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Welches schreckliche Vintage-Sexspielzeug ist das richtige für Dich?

Faites ce quiz et guérissez votre hystérie.

Quel horrible sex toy rétro est fait pour vous?

We Know Which Vintage Sex Toy Might Accidentally Maim You

Which Terrifying Vintage Sex Toy Is Right For You?

The ad speaks for itself — you'll find a _thousand_ uses for her, including at the office. Because why not. And for someone who maaaay be in the need of a little companionship, sounds like it’d be $69.95 well spent!

Instant Party Doll

Between you and me, this ~massager~ was marketed for oral hygiene. But you’re a leader, not a follower — so you’re going to use this HIGHLY SUGGESTIVE VIBRATING DEVICE however you damn well please.

Vibra-Finger Gum Massager

This early model of the MVP of the sex toy drawer is from late ’60s or early ’70s — AKA, perfect for someone as classic and ~classy~ as you.

Hitatchi Magic Wand

You’re pretty traditional, but don’t mind putting in the extra work to ~romance~ yourself. Go ahead and get cranking and enjoy the super-sexy “strong vibrations” and “sound like a ratchet,” according to the Antique Vibrator Museum.

Dr. Macaura’s Pulsocon Blood Circulator

You’re someone who likes to _get down_, so say hello to your new best friend. This terrifying hairdryer-dildo combo — made by General Electric! — comes with multiple attachments and will never leave you bored.

The Shelton Vibrator

Cleverly marketed as a beauty aid, this vibrating contraption comes with multiple textured heads. You know, for your face. Or wherever else you decide to stick it. Given that you’re a pretty ~chill~ person, you probably don’t mind the ambiguity.

The Polar Club Electric Vibrator

Some might find this strap-to-your-hand model with “forceful vibrations” and a “large, strong motor” intimidating, but NOT YOU. You’re hardcore. You can _hand_le it.

The Oster Stim-U-Lax for Barbers

Sounds like you like a little danger — and what’s more dangerous than a questionable contraption operated via compressed air and gas? What’s hotter than running the risk of blowing up your bits if something malfunctions during a masturbation session? Ooh baby.

The Detwiller Pneumatic Vibrator

This cute little dude was marketed with the claim that it helped users lose weight, but let’s be real. There are better uses for that _vibrating suction cup_ than weight loss. So tuck away with your romantic self (and a time machine) and enjoy.

The Spot Reducer

Welches schreckliche Vintage-Sexspielzeug ist genau das richtige für dich?

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We Know Which Vintage Sex Toy Might Accidentally Maim You

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