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We Know Which Vintage Sex Toy Might Accidentally Maim You

Step right up and cure your hysteria.

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We Know Which Vintage Sex Toy Might Accidentally Maim You

You got: Instant Party Doll

The ad speaks for itself — you'll find a thousand uses for her, including at the office. Because why not. And for someone who maaaay be in the need of a little companionship, sounds like it’d be $69.95 well spent!

Instant Party Doll
christianmontone / Creative CommonsFlickr: christianmontone
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You got: Vibra-Finger Gum Massager

Between you and me, this ~massager~ was marketed for oral hygiene. But you’re a leader, not a follower — so you’re going to use this HIGHLY SUGGESTIVE VIBRATING DEVICE however you damn well please.

Vibra-Finger Gum Massager
mangasverdes.es
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You got: Hitatchi Magic Wand

This early model of the MVP of the sex toy drawer is from late ’60s or early ’70s — AKA, perfect for someone as classic and ~classy~ as you.

Hitatchi Magic Wand
antiquevibratormuseum.com
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You got: Dr. Macaura’s Pulsocon Blood Circulator

You’re pretty traditional, but don’t mind putting in the extra work to ~romance~ yourself. Go ahead and get cranking and enjoy the super-sexy “strong vibrations” and “sound like a ratchet,” according to the Antique Vibrator Museum.

Dr. Macaura’s Pulsocon Blood Circulator
antiquevibratormuseum.com
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You got: The Shelton Vibrator

You’re someone who likes to get down, so say hello to your new best friend. This terrifying hairdryer-dildo combo — made by General Electric! — comes with multiple attachments and will never leave you bored.

The Shelton Vibrator
Science & Society Picture Library / Getty Images
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You got: The Polar Club Electric Vibrator

Cleverly marketed as a beauty aid, this vibrating contraption comes with multiple textured heads. You know, for your face. Or wherever else you decide to stick it. Given that you’re a pretty ~chill~ person, you probably don’t mind the ambiguity.

The Polar Club Electric Vibrator
antiquevibratormuseum.com
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You got: The Oster Stim-U-Lax for Barbers

Some might find this strap-to-your-hand model with “forceful vibrations” and a “large, strong motor” intimidating, but NOT YOU. You’re hardcore. You can handle it.

The Oster Stim-U-Lax for Barbers
Vintage Vibrator Museum image courtesy of Babeland, LLC. © Constance&Eric, All Rights Reserved / Via constanceanderic.com
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You got: The Detwiller Pneumatic Vibrator

Sounds like you like a little danger — and what’s more dangerous than a questionable contraption operated via compressed air and gas? What’s hotter than running the risk of blowing up your bits if something malfunctions during a masturbation session? Ooh baby.

The Detwiller Pneumatic Vibrator
antiquevibratormuseum.com
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You got: The Spot Reducer

This cute little dude was marketed with the claim that it helped users lose weight, but let’s be real. There are better uses for that vibrating suction cup than weight loss. So tuck away with your romantic self (and a time machine) and enjoy.

The Spot Reducer
antiquevibratormuseum.com
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