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We Know Which Vintage Sex Toy Might Accidentally Maim You
The ad speaks for itself — you'll find a thousand uses for her, including at the office. Because why not. And for someone who maaaay be in the need of a little companionship, sounds like it’d be $69.95 well spent!
Between you and me, this ~massager~ was marketed for oral hygiene. But you’re a leader, not a follower — so you’re going to use this HIGHLY SUGGESTIVE VIBRATING DEVICE however you damn well please.
This early model of the MVP of the sex toy drawer is from late ’60s or early ’70s — AKA, perfect for someone as classic and ~classy~ as you.
You’re pretty traditional, but don’t mind putting in the extra work to ~romance~ yourself. Go ahead and get cranking and enjoy the super-sexy “strong vibrations” and “sound like a ratchet,” according to the Antique Vibrator Museum.
You’re someone who likes to get down, so say hello to your new best friend. This terrifying hairdryer-dildo combo — made by General Electric! — comes with multiple attachments and will never leave you bored.
Cleverly marketed as a beauty aid, this vibrating contraption comes with multiple textured heads. You know, for your face. Or wherever else you decide to stick it. Given that you’re a pretty ~chill~ person, you probably don’t mind the ambiguity.
Some might find this strap-to-your-hand model with “forceful vibrations” and a “large, strong motor” intimidating, but NOT YOU. You’re hardcore. You can handle it.
Sounds like you like a little danger — and what’s more dangerous than a questionable contraption operated via compressed air and gas? What’s hotter than running the risk of blowing up your bits if something malfunctions during a masturbation session? Ooh baby.
This cute little dude was marketed with the claim that it helped users lose weight, but let’s be real. There are better uses for that vibrating suction cup than weight loss. So tuck away with your romantic self (and a time machine) and enjoy.