For the first 25 and a half years of my life, I was
But for a long time
Because I wasn't like
I was more like
I wasn't about to lose my virginity at prom, because, uh...
And when it got to the point that I was “too old” to be a virgin without having some kind of weird “sex hangup,” I would try to cover it up by being like
As if that didn't make it more obvious.
Before going to some lame dorm party in college,
I'd put on a tight green American Apparel U-neck dress that I hoped would entice some guy to put it in me for a second. Which would be long enough for me to feel comfortable talking about it brunch, rather than feeling like
So I would walk into the party like
and then go up to some guy with a plaid flannel on and be all
but then he'd always turn out to be an Adderall dealer or an objectivist or something
and I'd be like
Of course, there were one or two guys who made me
and there was some
but they were ultimately like
As is often the case,
So eventually I was like, fuck this, and screamed into the ether:
My friends all responded differently:
And naturally, after I told people and stopped worrying too much about it,
