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We Know Why Your Cat Will Kill You

Because it's going to happen regardless.

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We Know Why Your Cat Will Kill You

You got: You were deigned a candidate for glorious cat sacrifice

You…you lucky bastard. What so many others would give to be selected as one of the chosen ones. When the sacrificial altar is finally erected, heralding a new age of cat domination, be humbled in knowing your life was not completely worthless. Your body may burn, but it will burn in the name of long-awaited cat domination.

You were deigned a candidate for glorious cat sacrifice
Munchkin CC / Via Flickr: richpix
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You got: You didn't pay your cat proper tidings as your Supreme Ruler

Despite their reputation, cats are very patient and forgiving creatures. That dead mouse they brought you? They were teaching you how to properly bestow boons upon your ruler (such gracious creatures). But you were too selfish and imbecilic to realize it, and now your death shall be slow and painful as a reflection of your failure.

You didn't pay your cat proper tidings as your Supreme Ruler
Kaitlin M / Via Flickr: ceruleandepths
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You got: You blatantly disrespected your cat in their domain

Oh, excuse me, did you think that was your home? Foolish human. For every time you told your cat to get off their counter, you shall be pierced fourscore times through the heart, and deservedly so.

You blatantly disrespected your cat in their domain
Skyler Jokiel CC / Via Flickr: sky_jokiel
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You got: You thought you could touch your cat without permission

You thought you could just reach your claws into a cat’s fur as if they were some base beast? YOU FOOL. You have ignored the laws governing this world, and now you shall be banished from it forever...in death.

You thought you could touch your cat without permission
Thomas CC / Via Flickr: caipirhona
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You got: You failed to give your cat the finest food on earth

Kibble? Fancy Feast? Are you fucking serious? Your cat isn’t some lesser being who deserves to eat gelatinous goop scooped into a cracked dish on the floor. Your cat is a god. YOU SHALL SUFFER.

You failed to give your cat the finest food on earth
Theophilos Papadopoulos CC / Via Flickr: theo_reth
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You got: You made direct eye contact with your cat so now you'll die

Did you honestly think you were worthy of meeting your cat’s eyes? Pathetic human. Whenever you feel a cat tilting their gaze in your direction, you must immediately press your face to the floor and grovel because you are their loyal subject and that's what humble servants do. You have failed, so you shall meet a terrible end for being a terrible person.

You made direct eye contact with your cat so now you'll die
Hamish Irvine / Via Flickr: topaz-mcnumpty
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