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"B*tch Better Have My Money" As Told By Someone Who Clearly Hasn't Seen It

Starring the Ultimate Girl Squad in the ultimate heist.

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Somewhere off the coast of Sanibel Island...

Our hero, Rihanna, enjoys her newfound life of retirement after her latest heist. She thinks of her past adventures as she wistfully fires her gun into the distance.

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The phone rings. "We've got Money, and if you ever want to see him again, you're going to have to come get him," a mysterious voice says on the other line. "FUCK YOU, YOU KNOW I'M RETIRED!" Rihanna snarls.

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But the call drops because of limited reception. She angrily tosses her phone to the sea and shoots it before it hits the water. "I guess I'm coming out of retirement," she mutters.

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Somewhere in Cupertino...

Rihanna lights a cigarette and ponders how she'll get her old gang back together. This might be the biggest heist of my life, and I'll need people I can trust, she thinks as the smoke curls around her face, evaporating into darkness.

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First she finds Kiki, who has been working as a booze tester for an underground cruise line. After some resistance, Rihanna manages to yank her away from her directionless life and pull her back into the game.

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Giselle has been RiRi's main bitch since the fifth grade. Rihanna finds her operating a pretzel ring in Kentucky. She doesn't hesitate to leave the salty stuff behind and join her girl on her latest adventure.

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Then there's Clara. Clara's been doing some freaky shit. She hates wearing clothes and apparently she thinks it's still 2005 because she has grills. No one knows why she's still part of the squad.

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With the ultimate girl squad reunited, they embark on the most important road trip of all time. The wind is in their hair, the sun is at their back, and they are questing to GET MONEY.

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And of course Clara sleeps through the whole journey. FUCKING CLARA.

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Eventually they make a pit stop for snacks.

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And luckily they have a safe place to store them. Also, Clara's still sleeping. Probably. Fucking Clara.

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They're back on the road again, driving fearlessly into the sunset, when Rihanna's car breaks down. "WHERE THE FUCK IS MONEY?!" Rihanna screams furiously into the distance.

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AND THEN THE CAR EXPLODES, ILLUMINATING THE DIRT ROAD AS FLAMES LICK THE NIGHT SKY.

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Rihanna calmly walks away from her car as it succumbs to the flaming inferno. Child's play, she thinks as she flicks her hair out of her eyes. Is this the best my nemesis can do?

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But at least the snacks were spared. "You're welcome, Giselle," Kiki snarls under her breath.

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Rihanna calls her nemesis on the phone to warn him that his attempt at assassination failed miserably.

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"If you think that's all I've got, then you are gravely mistaken," he says as he lightly strokes his dry, chapped lips. Or at least that's what he would've said...

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...if it were 1997 and pay phones still worked. GOOD JOB RIHANNA.

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"Let's go, ladies," she tells her squad. "We're going to need some reinforcements." She punches her code into a secret machine that reveals...

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...a conveniently located secret armory.

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Rihanna delicately picks up a dagger by the hilt and turns it around in her hands. The light catches it as it hums with untapped power. The rest of the crew arm themselves to the teeth in preparation for getting Money back.

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Ultimate Girl Squad uses the pretzel trunk as a battering ram to break into the nemesis' fortress. "Jesus, Giselle, how many pretzels do you have in here?!" Kiki grunts.

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Then they open the trunk. "Fucking Clara," they say as they shake their heads affectionately.

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The squad quickly realizes that they will never make it through the evil nemesis' thick line of defenses without a plan, so they decide to dress Clara up as a decoy.

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Don't worry, Clara doesn't mind. She's probably still sleeping.

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Obviously their plan worked because they're the MOST BADASS GIRL SQUAD to walk the Earth. "I'm going in," Rihanna tells the crew on their secret walkie-talkie line.

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Nemesis is still playing with his dry, chapped lips when he hears the door creak open behind him. Before he has the chance to look up, everything goes black.

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He wakes up, strapped to a chair with what appears to be clear party streamers. "What do you want from me?" he gargles in his half-conscious state.

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Rihanna chuckles to herself, lightly stroking the shining blade of her dagger. "You know what I want," she says calmly.

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"You're never going to get him," Nemesis says. "You're never going to get Money back."

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"THEN I SHALL CARVE ANOTHER MOUTH INTO YOUR THROAT!" Rihanna cries out as she turns to him.

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"No! Please!" Nemesis turns away futily. But it is too late. RiRi's mind is made up, and she decides to lay waste to the pathetic shell of the evil nemesis he once was.

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She emerges from the blood bath glistening with the remains of her enemy, invigorated by her conquest and the knowledge that now, nothing stands between her and Money.

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And with Money back in her loving arms and the suitcase full of snacks at her side, she turns to him and says, "Let's go home, Money. I think I'm ready to retire again."

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THE END.

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