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"B*tch Better Have My Money" As Told By Someone Who Clearly Hasn't Seen It

Starring the Ultimate Girl Squad in the ultimate heist.

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The phone rings. "We've got Money, and if you ever want to see him again, you're going to have to come get him," a mysterious voice says on the other line. "FUCK YOU, YOU KNOW I'M RETIRED!" Rihanna snarls.

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Rihanna lights a cigarette and ponders how she'll get her old gang back together. This might be the biggest heist of my life, and I'll need people I can trust, she thinks as the smoke curls around her face, evaporating into darkness.

First she finds Kiki, who has been working as a booze tester for an underground cruise line. After some resistance, Rihanna manages to yank her away from her directionless life and pull her back into the game.

Giselle has been RiRi's main bitch since the fifth grade. Rihanna finds her operating a pretzel ring in Kentucky. She doesn't hesitate to leave the salty stuff behind and join her girl on her latest adventure.

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Then there's Clara. Clara's been doing some freaky shit. She hates wearing clothes and apparently she thinks it's still 2005 because she has grills. No one knows why she's still part of the squad.

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Rihanna delicately picks up a dagger by the hilt and turns it around in her hands. The light catches it as it hums with untapped power. The rest of the crew arm themselves to the teeth in preparation for getting Money back.

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