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"B*tch Better Have My Money" As Told By Someone Who Clearly Hasn't Seen It

Starring the Ultimate Girl Squad in the ultimate heist.

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Somewhere off the coast of Sanibel Island...


The phone rings. "We've got Money, and if you ever want to see him again, you're going to have to come get him," a mysterious voice says on the other line. "FUCK YOU, YOU KNOW I'M RETIRED!" Rihanna snarls.

But the call drops because of limited reception. She angrily tosses her phone to the sea and shoots it before it hits the water. "I guess I'm coming out of retirement," she mutters.

Rihanna lights a cigarette and ponders how she'll get her old gang back together. This might be the biggest heist of my life, and I'll need people I can trust, she thinks as the smoke curls around her face, evaporating into darkness.

First she finds Kiki, who has been working as a booze tester for an underground cruise line. After some resistance, Rihanna manages to yank her away from her directionless life and pull her back into the game.


Giselle has been RiRi's main bitch since the fifth grade. Rihanna finds her operating a pretzel ring in Kentucky. She doesn't hesitate to leave the salty stuff behind and join her girl on her latest adventure.

Then there's Clara. Clara's been doing some freaky shit. She hates wearing clothes and apparently she thinks it's still 2005 because she has grills. No one knows why she's still part of the squad.

With the ultimate girl squad reunited, they embark on the most important road trip of all time. The wind is in their hair, the sun is at their back, and they are questing to GET MONEY.


They're back on the road again, driving fearlessly into the sunset, when Rihanna's car breaks down. "WHERE THE FUCK IS MONEY?!" Rihanna screams furiously into the distance.

Rihanna calmly walks away from her car as it succumbs to the flaming inferno. Child's play, she thinks as she flicks her hair out of her eyes. Is this the best my nemesis can do?


Rihanna delicately picks up a dagger by the hilt and turns it around in her hands. The light catches it as it hums with untapped power. The rest of the crew arm themselves to the teeth in preparation for getting Money back.

Ultimate Girl Squad uses the pretzel trunk as a battering ram to break into the nemesis' fortress. "Jesus, Giselle, how many pretzels do you have in here?!" Kiki grunts.

"No! Please!" Nemesis turns away futily. But it is too late. RiRi's mind is made up, and she decides to lay waste to the pathetic shell of the evil nemesis he once was.

She emerges from the blood bath glistening with the remains of her enemy, invigorated by her conquest and the knowledge that now, nothing stands between her and Money.

And with Money back in her loving arms and the suitcase full of snacks at her side, she turns to him and says, "Let's go home, Money. I think I'm ready to retire again."


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