We Sat Through The Entire New Justin Bieber Album And Here's What It Sounds Like
Two recent Bieber converts break down the 19-track deluxe version of Purpose.
BuzzFeed Staff
BuzzFeed Staff
"Mark My Words"
"I'll Show You"
"What Do You Mean?"
"Sorry"
"Love Yourself"
"Company"
"No Pressure"
"No Sense"
"The Feeling"
"Life Is Worth Living"
"Where Are Ü Now"
Angelo: OK so, I’m a little sick of this song, even though I recognize it as a certified banger.
Julie: This song is genius. I love it. This magical Diplo/Bieb/Skrillex union is scary good.
Angelo: This really is the powerhouse production team of our time, until a hoverboard becomes sentient and starts replicating their beats.
Julie: “Hoverboard is the hottest producer ever.” —Everyone in 2016
Angelo: The hoverboard we have at the office is called a Swag-way. DJ Swag-way.
"Children"
Julie: OK, that should have been where the record ended. But we have, like, 16 more songs to go. Now we’re back at church with “Children,” where he raises a band of child soldiers.
Angelo: I was hoping this would be Biebs’ version of Michael Jackson's “They Don’t Care About Us.” But I guess you can’t do that as a white suburban kid, so this is just tepid and faux uplifting. But the production vibes with my recent interest in glo-fi/neon music.
Julie: Don’t lie. We’re both couch dancing to this.
Julie: He just rhymed "change" with "change."
Julie: This is definitely the track that will go on Now That’s What I Call Music, Vol. 4,573.
Angelo: This is defniitely the track that will be played at some VERY HIP high school graduation.
Julie: This is definitely the track that will get the party started at really cool bar mitzvahs in Miami.
The aforementioned children:
"Purpose"
Angelo: OK, so the title track "Purpose" is produced by some 17-year-old?
Julie: Yeah, maybe this is the aforementioned “children.”
Angelo: This was produced by The Weeknd’s girlfriend.
Julie: This was produced by the valedictorian at Clearview Regional High School.
Angelo: Is this song about Jesus?
Julie: They’re all about Jesus. Even when they’re about fucking.
Angelo: OK, so wait, Justin is talking... it feels like the audio of a video but without visuals there is no context and it is really weird. He’s asking for God’s permission to fuck without a condom.
Julie: Not over this spoken word Bieber part. Whoa, Bieber just Coach Taylored us with a lot of platitudes that did not make any sense. He is a modern-day Dr. Phil, y'all.
"Been You"
Julie: The thing is, any of these songs could be radio hits. They’re all super palatable and nonoffensive.
Angelo: Yeah but I feel a bit like he blew his load before releasing the album, like he didn’t save any of the best tracks for today.
Julie: I think we got inundated with some real bangers. Some of these could be bangers on repeated listen. Maybe not “Been You.”
Angelo: I mean, I am nodding my head. But I think I prefer Biebs with more vocal, less production, rather than these really full, dancy backing tracks.
Angelo: I feel like this could be a secret banger, based on the name and 10 seconds of listening.
Julie: Into this song, even though I’m mad about Bieber singing about the calendar. Get a planner, dude.
"We Are"
Julie: Oh no, it’s the Nas track.
Angelo: I don’t like more talky Bieber though, his voice doesn’t flourish in short bursts as well as it does in longer phrases. This sounds more like a Timberlake track.
Angelo: Nas talking about texting, but he’s like 49. “Who get you wetter?” Nas says because Bieber won’t say wet. Oh Nas is 42, he tells us. Just to clarify, I would still hit it.
Julie: Sex with Bieber is probably so terrible and short and violent.
Angelo: OK that song was not impactful in any way. I hope Nas got a fat check though... keep getting them checks, Nas.
"Trust"
Angelo: OK, though TRUST is kind of a banger.
Julie: This is a girl’s weekend track. Girls driving in a car going to the Cheesecake Factory jam.
Angelo: He is just saying so much though, like he really wants to get a lot of thoughts out on this album, when really he should just let Skrillex do that do do do dooo thing for every chorus.
Julie: What grade education do you think he has? Sixth? Ninth?
Angelo: It’s called year 9 in Canada.
Julie: He missed so many good times in the cafetorium.
"All in It"
Angelo: Another inspo jam. I don’t need any inspo, though; I’m an adult. I just want to live vicariously through Biebs’ incredible babe-filled life.
Julie: I need inspo. I’ve just listened to this record. I need inspo to get through. There was just a vocal thing happening that sounded v. Frank Ocean.
Angelo: Frank :(
Julie: Where is the Frank Ocean record?
"What Do You Mean (Acoustic)"
Angelo: Overall this album is just too prescriptive. Don’t tell me what to do. Unless you’re telling me to party and smang lots then I’m OK with it. Oh more talking. He’s talking about not feeling good enough. Fuck. I just want Bieber to be like 26 and over all this young adult grand realization shit.
Julie: I think the most vital thing to come out of this listen is wondering where Frank Ocean is. WHERE ARE YOU FRANK OCEAN. But this record is pretty good, too.