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We Sat Through The Entire New Justin Bieber Album And Here's What It Sounds Like

Two recent Bieber converts break down the 19-track deluxe version of Purpose.

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"Mark My Words"

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Angelo: A little whinier than I’d like the start of the album to be. Like, you need to earn those peak-whine moments.

Julie: So we all know this is gonna be the Selena Gomez breakup record. Like, OK, 70% SG breakup and 30% Bible study.

Angelo: And 6% bangers, though.

"I'll Show You"

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Julie: TURNS TO ANGELO AND MOUTHS THE WORDS "SO GOOD." This is an instant gonna-be-in-yr-head-forever song.

Angelo: OK so we’re on to "I’ll Show You," which we’ve already listened to 100 times this week. But I wish I was watching the video of Justin running around jumping over rocks.

Julie: What was your theory of the vid again? Let’s psychoanalyze Bieb.

Angelo: Well, it’s that he didn’t have an adolescence, because of Usher, basically, so now he’s living his adolescence at 21. He’s just a regular kid, skateboarding and wearing $400 tights.

Julie: Please get at us with $400 tights.

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"What Do You Mean?"

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Angelo: OK, "What Do You Mean," which is the song that brought me back fully into the Biebersphere. But TBH most of the value here is in the production, because like these lyrics are pretty lame 21-year-old boy shit.

Julie: I mean, yeah, abstractly, these lyrics are kind of date rapey. But the production is great. Esp. when you pair it with the vid of Skrillex and Biebs wearing T-shirt dresses and listening to their track on hoverboards.

Angelo: But, him saying “Be more straightforward” in the background is too much. Don’t tell Selena what to do!

Julie: Also, this song was my Biebs entry point. It is perfect Trop Pop. Also, it marks the emergence of new Bieber Hair 2K15. SO ICONIC.

"Sorry"

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Angelo: On to "Sorry." Again the argument is framed from Justin's POV, not really giving Selena any like...agency.

Julie: OK, Angelo, we get it you love Selena and want to have babies with her. But this is JB’s record.

Angelo: “Missing more than just your body” = “I miss banging but want to sound sensitive.”

Julie: I feel like a lot of people who would have legit hated both Skrillex and J. Biebs like three years ago [raises hand] are so here for this now. When a douche meets a douche a comin' through the rye.

Angelo: Two douches makes a not-douche.

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"Love Yourself"

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Angelo: This is song is petty as fuck but the chorus sounds so good.

Julie: I feel like this is Biebs at his most Hootie and the Blowfish. Also, a 21-year-old fuckboy talking about how his mom doesn’t like you.

Angelo: Yeah, well, Biebs has major mommy issues WE ALL KNOW THAT. But also, I’m sure he’s dated some trash girls and he has the right to vent.

Julie: But what girl has ever been like, "J. Biebs I don’t like your friends"? That’s not a real relationship dynamic in Bieberworld.

Angelo: IDK, if you were trying to make out with Biebs and Skrillex kept scootin' around the living room you might be like, “Dawg, your friends…”

Julie: This song should have been axed, but this is what happens when you have a megalomaniacal teen in charge of things.

"Company"

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Julie: THIS IS GOOD. I think in general I want like 10 times more bass on everything, but this works.

Angelo: I’m pretty meh on this. It’s too dancey. In the bad way. But wait, is this song about banging chicks but not caring about them? 'Cause that’s great.

Julie: Shut your facehole. This song is so good.

Angelo: It’s a little bland.

Julie: You’re a little bland.

"No Pressure"

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Angelo: OK, first of the features, with Big Sean, who sucks.

Julie: This kind of bores me, but I feel like I’ll love it so soon. It’ll earworm me.

Angelo: It’s that the bangers are such bangers it’s hard to listen to the B-level tracks. Here’s the rap verse when the DJ fades to the next song.

Julie: Visibly shuddered at the phrase “put my key in the ignition.”

Angelo: That’s a metaphor for penis in vagina.

"No Sense"

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Angelo: This song features Travis Scott and is confusing, but the beat is chill. Oh shit, now it’s getting wild. Still whining about Selena though?

Julie: Yeah, for sure. Still about Selena. BLEH. I mean, fine. If you give me jams, IDC.

Angelo: Lots of slidey pop cadence on this record. Here for it. Now here’s the relevant hip-hop segment of the record. Auto-Tune dudes. This is what the hip kids are listening to. I wish it was Future instead though. That was a weak feature TBH.

This is weak. This song was a missed-opportunity banger.

Julie: When you listen to a dude like Biebs who can actually sing... and then you have to actually Auto-Tune the rapper? WTF.

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"The Feeling"

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Angelo: This feels more like a standard 2015 pop song, and what was making the first Bieber singles from this record so great was that they didn’t sound like that.

Julie: This sounds like "Never Say Never"–era Biebs.

Angelo: I feel like whoever wrote this was not really on the Biebs 2015 tip, which is all about banging all the time. I'm not mad at it and he had one trill in there that sounded like Craig David.

Julie: You love Craig David.

Angelo: This song is also too long.

Julie: We are at the three-minute mark. It’s fine. You have ADD.

"Life Is Worth Living"

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Julie: This is where Biebs takes us to vacation Bible school.

Angelo: I am here for piano jams always.

Julie: Life is worth living…again? That’s dark.

Angelo: Mom yelled at me for not doing my homework, life was not worth living; went to Young Life and now life is worth living, AGAIN!

"Where Are Ü Now"

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Angelo: OK so, I’m a little sick of this song, even though I recognize it as a certified banger.

Julie: This song is genius. I love it. This magical Diplo/Bieb/Skrillex union is scary good.

Angelo: This really is the powerhouse production team of our time, until a hoverboard becomes sentient and starts replicating their beats.

Julie: “Hoverboard is the hottest producer ever.” —Everyone in 2016

Angelo: The hoverboard we have at the office is called a Swag-way. DJ Swag-way.

"Children"

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Julie: OK, that should have been where the record ended. But we have, like, 16 more songs to go. Now we’re back at church with “Children,” where he raises a band of child soldiers.

Angelo: I was hoping this would be Biebs’ version of Michael Jackson's “They Don’t Care About Us.” But I guess you can’t do that as a white suburban kid, so this is just tepid and faux uplifting. But the production vibes with my recent interest in glo-fi/neon music.

Julie: Don’t lie. We’re both couch dancing to this.

Julie: He just rhymed "change" with "change."

Julie: This is definitely the track that will go on Now That’s What I Call Music, Vol. 4,573.

Angelo: This is defniitely the track that will be played at some VERY HIP high school graduation.

Julie: This is definitely the track that will get the party started at really cool bar mitzvahs in Miami.

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"Purpose"

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Angelo: OK, so the title track "Purpose" is produced by some 17-year-old?

Julie: Yeah, maybe this is the aforementioned “children.”

Angelo: This was produced by The Weeknd’s girlfriend.

Julie: This was produced by the valedictorian at Clearview Regional High School.

Angelo: Is this song about Jesus?

Julie: They’re all about Jesus. Even when they’re about fucking.

Angelo: OK, so wait, Justin is talking... it feels like the audio of a video but without visuals there is no context and it is really weird. He’s asking for God’s permission to fuck without a condom.

Julie: Not over this spoken word Bieber part. Whoa, Bieber just Coach Taylored us with a lot of platitudes that did not make any sense. He is a modern-day Dr. Phil, y'all.

"Been You"

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Julie: The thing is, any of these songs could be radio hits. They’re all super palatable and nonoffensive.

Angelo: Yeah but I feel a bit like he blew his load before releasing the album, like he didn’t save any of the best tracks for today.

Julie: I think we got inundated with some real bangers. Some of these could be bangers on repeated listen. Maybe not “Been You.”

Angelo: I mean, I am nodding my head. But I think I prefer Biebs with more vocal, less production, rather than these really full, dancy backing tracks.

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Angelo: I feel like this could be a secret banger, based on the name and 10 seconds of listening.

Julie: Into this song, even though I’m mad about Bieber singing about the calendar. Get a planner, dude.

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"We Are"

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Julie: Oh no, it’s the Nas track.

Angelo: I don’t like more talky Bieber though, his voice doesn’t flourish in short bursts as well as it does in longer phrases. This sounds more like a Timberlake track.

Angelo: Nas talking about texting, but he’s like 49. “Who get you wetter?” Nas says because Bieber won’t say wet. Oh Nas is 42, he tells us. Just to clarify, I would still hit it.

Julie: Sex with Bieber is probably so terrible and short and violent.

Angelo: OK that song was not impactful in any way. I hope Nas got a fat check though... keep getting them checks, Nas.

"Trust"

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Angelo: OK, though TRUST is kind of a banger.

Julie: This is a girl’s weekend track. Girls driving in a car going to the Cheesecake Factory jam.

Angelo: He is just saying so much though, like he really wants to get a lot of thoughts out on this album, when really he should just let Skrillex do that do do do dooo thing for every chorus.

Julie: What grade education do you think he has? Sixth? Ninth?

Angelo: It’s called year 9 in Canada.

Julie: He missed so many good times in the cafetorium.

"All in It"

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Angelo: Another inspo jam. I don’t need any inspo, though; I’m an adult. I just want to live vicariously through Biebs’ incredible babe-filled life.

Julie: I need inspo. I’ve just listened to this record. I need inspo to get through. There was just a vocal thing happening that sounded v. Frank Ocean.

Angelo: Frank :(

Julie: Where is the Frank Ocean record?

"What Do You Mean (Acoustic)"

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Angelo: Overall this album is just too prescriptive. Don’t tell me what to do. Unless you’re telling me to party and smang lots then I’m OK with it. Oh more talking. He’s talking about not feeling good enough. Fuck. I just want Bieber to be like 26 and over all this young adult grand realization shit.

Julie: I think the most vital thing to come out of this listen is wondering where Frank Ocean is. WHERE ARE YOU FRANK OCEAN. But this record is pretty good, too.

Here's the whole Biebtastic thing.

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