Any Game of Thrones fan has their theories on who will die, who will survive, and who will end up on the Iron Throne at the end of the upcoming final season.
But I challenge anyone to sum it all up in a way that's more entertaining than Twitter user @SlaylerJ.
The only bitches left that can take the Iron Throne: A thread.
SlaylerJ put together a long Twitter thread summing up her predictions, and I'd put good money on her being right about everything. Let's break it down, shall we?
First off, let's agree that as terrible as she is, Cersei put in the WORK.
Cersei Lannister: so technically we all know this bitch gon die. But come ON SHE DESERVES the seven kingdoms. Can you imagine being married to that fucking hobgoblin for years? A service unto itself. https://t.co/BFOarYpCRP
Oh, and she's "a patron of the sciences." 😂😂😂
She did the walk of shame and came for EVERY ONE OF THOSE BITCHES WHO THREW CABBAGE AT HER. SHE MADE THAT ONE BITCH WATCH HER DAUGHTER DIE A PAINFUL DEATH. And she supports that weird little gremlin man. A patron of the sciences. https://t.co/jyKdx6l38k
But here's where SlaylerJ gets really controversial: She is definitely NOT Team Daenerys.
Danearys Tarpoon: ....Im not gon lie y’all she grew stale for me. We get it, you fancy colonizing desert kingdoms. How many time you gon set someone’s house on fire and stand amid the flame? What I’m supposed to do while you standing there? We don’t have all day. https://t.co/so3xtVb0iO
She makes a good point: Dany's rule in Meereen was a straight-up disaster.
Also, y’all, WE HAVE SEEN HER RULE. IT WAS WACK. IT WAS AWFUL. Damn lizards out here eating farmers children and shit. Whole kingdom formed a mini assassins league cause you so trash. And THEN you just gon fly away and leave it a mess? Ch. Keep it. https://t.co/MbDfwNm6uj
It's hard to argue with her views on Jon Snow, though.
Jon Snow: this the only bitch I trust on a throne. Wig always pressed. Curls always laid. You can’t kill him- why? He’s a bad bitch. ALSO why the fuck would George R R Martin introduce a second Targaryean if the first was meant to live? Oop. https://t.co/ldQb9VF3Nc
He's grown, ya know?
But since we’re here let’s talk about his GROWTH. Jon went from a lil crybaby ass hoe to the commander of the night’s watch to the next rightful heir. Does he always look like he’s about to cry? Yes. We’ll work on it. Homeboy better ride a dragon in the end or I will feel ROBBED.
And let's not forget the cave.
Let’s ALSO talk about how he’s the first man in the seven kingdoms to eat that good good. A humble man. A generous lover. We stan a tender heart. https://t.co/mPvKFb40qb
He should've stayed in that cave.
OK but what about Sansa? You wanna talk about growth?
Sansa Stark: .....ok hear me out. The queen of dummy bitches. Sansa has been THROUGH IT. BUT think of how long she spent in Westeros learning about the politics? She had good bitch Cersei as a mentor. And Tyrion hints often that she’ll survive them all. https://t.co/aFQ0T2QOej
If everybody else is dead, will our "Queen of Stabby Stab" take the throne?
UNLESS THAT STALE ASS WAIF BITES IT TOO WHICH LEAVES...Arya Stark: sis don’t even need a queensguard she’ll cut your wiener off herself. Queen of wearing other people’s faces. (We support kinks when our faves are involved). Queen of bloodshed. Queen of stabby stab. https://t.co/xRWW1gOHip
(Side note: best description of Tyrion I've ever heard.)
Unless ALL THOSE BITCHES BITE IT which could mean...Tyrion: King of boobies and wine. A tiny heartthrob. Smartest nigga in all of Westeros. Will fuck your wife and then tenderly tell her she deserves better than both of you. https://t.co/UXuJuXq6UN
(Same for Bran.)
Somebody also mentioned Bran Stark: the answer is no. That nigga weird.
So, here's SlaylerJ's breakdown of who lives and who dies:
Oh, and Bran: hopefully dead.
I hope Bran dies because homeboy is really, really fucking weird. The end.