1. Ned Stark says, "On second thought, let's not go to King's Landing. 'Tis a silly place." The Stark family then lives on forever.
2. Drogo learns about the wonders of Neosporin and maybe lives instead of dying from being too macho.
3. Jon Snow and Ygritte actually do stay in that cave and eventually die of too much sex.
4. Varys puts out a "Seriously, Don't Trust Littlefinger" PSA, saving countless lives.
5. Cersei drunkenly binge-watches Pretty Little Liars and starts sending threatening texts to Margaery signed "A."
6. Ned Stark starts using dad jokes on his daughters, including "Arya coming with me or not?" and "You're not making any Sansa!"
7. Littlefinger is magically transported to Baltimore, Maryland, where he runs for mayor.
8. Syrio Forel continues to train Arya and the two become masked vigilantes in King's Landing.
9. Joffrey goes hunting and, like his "father," is also killed by a boar.
10. The boar is actually Tyrion in disguise.
11. Stannis tells Melisandre to shove it and actually listens to the advice of his most trusted fucking lieutenant for once.
12. Stannis does basically none of the things that he actually did thus far.
13. Except for his grammatical corrections, which lead him to start a Twitter account in which he just shames people for confusing "less" and "fewer."
14. Dany's blood magic works and Drogo comes fully back to life and together they conquer Westeros, which then becomes Besteros.
15. Olly is locked up in the Castle Black dungeon on charges of "being a little bitch."
16. Oberyn wins his duel with the Mountain. He and Jaime become the top male models in King's Landing. Tyrion is their agent.
17. Tyrion hosts a hit game show and has his own signature sign-off: "A Lannister always spays his pets."
18. Joffrey throws a big 19th birthday party. Nobody comes.
19. Eventually the Hound shows up and just eats the whole cake.
20. Missandei teaches Grey Worm the meaning of "Bye Felicia." Grey Worm uses it so much that Daario threatens to stab him.
21. Bran wargs into Robb and makes him sing "I Feel Pretty" while wearing one of Sansa's dresses.
22. Bran wargs into Joffrey and makes him jump off a cliff.
23. Ramsay Snow is swallowed whole by a dragon and slowly digested as the stomach acid burns him alive.
24. Brienne, Podrick, and the Hound move into an apartment together, and thus a hit sitcom is born.
25. Tyrion makes his 1,000th "give him a hand" joke to Jaime, who gets so annoyed that he just takes the hand off and throws it at Tyrion.
26. The Red Wedding actually just turns out to be a nice wedding that heavily features the music of Taylor Swift's fourth studio album.
27. Jorah makes a Tinder profile and moves the fuck on with his life.
28. Arya still trains with the Faceless Man, but only uses her powers to prank Gendry and Hot Pie.
29. Beric Dondarrion does his resurrection trick. The TARDIS appears, the Doctor steps out and says, "That's cute."
30. Jon starts a Thanksgiving-themed comfort food restaurant named "You Know Stuffing, Jon Snow."
31. The White Walkers and their army set the world record for most people doing the "Thriller" dance at the same time.
32. Sansa finds Joffrey's diary and reads it aloud to the entirety of King's Landing.
33. ALL THE DIREWOLVES LIVE HAPPY DIREWOLF LIVES AND NEVER DIE EVER.