10 Things On Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop Holiday Gift List That You 1000% Should Buy

Ever wanted a $25k musical plant installation? Of course you have!

Salutations, fellow obscenely rich people. Do you ever lounge in your Lounging Salon, look out over your $100 million estate, and lament that you have no idea what kind of holiday presents to buy?

United Artists

I know I do! Well, fear not, because Our Lady Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop holiday gift guide 2019 is here, and it's full of excellent things to buy for yourself.

Neilson Barnard / Getty Images

Perhaps you could *shudder* give these things to other people as well, but please do not gift any of them to one of the Poors, they'll spontaneously combust if they come in contact with this kind of luxury.

Here are some of the most recommended items:

1. A custom plant music installation from DataGarden ($25,000)

datagarden.org

Plants. They just sit there and do nothing. But what if you could put your plants to work and have them make music for you? With this custom plant music installation, you can! I think. Maybe it's actually just randomly generated ambient music that we're meant to ~think~ is coming from the plants. But at a measly $25k, why not give it a go?

2. Norman Mailer's Moonfire, Lunar Rock Edition ($400,000)

taschen.com

Nobody likes a book for a gift, unless it's a $400,000 book! This limited edition of Norman Mailer's Moonfire — about the Apollo 11 mission — comes in a case designed by Marc Newson, inspired by the Apollo 11 Lunar Excursion Module. It also comes with an actual meteorite from the Macovich Collection of Meteorites. It certainly beats buying a regular hardcover copy of the book on Amazon for $30, like some kind of peasant.

3. A dehydrated caviar bar ($99)

calvisiususa.com

Have you ever wished you could eat caviar on the go, but lamented the fact that you don't have a mother-of-pearl caviar spoon handy? LAMENT NO MORE! This bar of dehydrated caviar is an easy, luxurious snack. You could have breakfast all taken care of for just $99 a day (for a 1.2 ounce bar).

4. A Louis Vuitton solar lamp ($5,150)

barberosgerby.com

This stylish bell lamp is cordless, solar-powered, and would look perfect sitting in your 4th library. "It's handmade from glass makers in Venice," you'll say, as guests ooh and ahh at the four different brightness settings.

5. A flight to space on Virgin Galactic ($250,000)

Virgin Galactic / Trumbull Studios

Sadly, all of the currently scheduled space flights are all booked up, but you can put your name on the list so that the next time a $250k ticket opens up, you can get one for yourself. Then, when Theodore Davenport brags about his latest trip to the Maldives, you can turn to him and say, "But have you been to SPACE, Theodore?"

6. Restraining Arts Kit ($1,350)

shop.goop.com

To be clear, this is NOT a BDSM kit. This is a "restraining arts" kit. Includes wrist cuffs, ankle cuffs, a paddle, and restraining straps. You can have your partner spank you while you admit to naughty deeds like securities fraud! It's unclear as to whether the leather is vegan or not.

7. A brass or copper fire extinguisher ($250)

shop.goop.com

I ask you, what is the POINT of a fire extinguisher if it doesn't match the luxury finishes you've chosen for your kitchen faucets? Hm? What's that? Oh, putting out fires? Yes, I suppose that is the point.

8. The Otto Automatic Joint Roller ($130)

shop.goop.com

I suppose a machine would do in a pinch when and if your hired personal joint roller is off on holiday leave.

9. Premiere Edition Electric Bike ($2,995)

shop.goop.com

Do you love biking but despise all of that laborious pedaling? For the low price of $2,995, you can ride to your next hot yoga session on this sleek electric bicycle. It's available in multiple colors, including rose gold if you want an approximate match to your fire extinguisher.

10. Rumpl Beer Blanket ($8)

rumpl.com

It's not a koozie, dammit.

If you didn't find what you want here, peruse the entire Goop Holiday Gift Guide 2019 and see if you can find your heart's desire.