There is a genre of Facebookers who wallpaper their status updates with gems to coax the acclaim or codependent concern of their 987 BFFs. The ultimate dream is to ignite a buzz so viral that network news can't help but cover the story of the poster's ponderings or conundrums. It may be as specific and crucial as reaching out for help in deciding between two or triple ply TP, or as vague a crisis of "to agree, or to stand my ground?" But the effect is the same: friends drop working on their astrophysics dissertations, abandon their air-traffic control posts, forget to grab the infant out of the car seat, or suffer insanely dangerous spikes in cortisol levels every time they check their News Feeds. No life event is too small to inflate into something worthy of a reality TV show, and Facebook is a 24/7 channel where anyone can be a star!
I'm not too concerned with people wanting interaction, even if the bait is a little confusing to me. Hey, if a mommy posts how "little Sawyer just said he saw the Virgin Mother in his cream of wheat…is anything more precious?" that's fine. I don't have the heart to comment that her 4-year-old sounds schizophrenic. But what does gnaw at me are the studies rolling in about Facebook depression, and having my nice, smart friends feel like undervalued losers after glancing at their News Feeds. Seeing the great successes and joys of everyone else in one tidy, auto-refreshing column makes them feel crappy about their own lives. But before posting that you "need a good psychiatrist to prescribe you some #Wellbutrin," (no weight gain, yo)" to handle the despair, sometimes you have to consider how true these glowing posts are…especially from those with status update histories of bloated perfection. The message is "#I'msohappy#Lifeisperfect!" Oh really? All the time?
1. Let's start with posts of enviable vacations that you could never afford. That person who seems to have it all has now posted three albums of the ultimate tropical beach getaway! One album, titled, "working nonstop, finally playing HARD!" features her in a two-piece and floppy hat, blissfully riding a vintage bicycle down a gravel road dotted with fallen coconuts and papayas, amidst pastel, seaside bungalows. Or him, wearing a native headpiece and giving the "Hang 10" hand sign while standing next to a smiling native at an outdoor souvenir stall. Then, the oh-so-in-touch-with-nature-shot standing solo at the end of a natural jetty at sunset…looking longingly out to sea, hair gently blown back, body perfectly posed to enhance/mask the best/worst body parts, simultaneously. It's just amazing that someone happened to snap that photo at the moment when the golden orange and purple rays of the setting sun danced on our hero's supple skin. Muy candid!
Let's dissect. This could indeed be the trip of the century, with magical kundalini-enhancing powers emanating from every soggy wicker lounge chair at the resort. But if this person is the type to rattle off their every kudo and plaudit in their status updates (and in life), this poster could be leaving out a few key facts: their travel companion is disappearing for nights at a time, only to return to the room to shower, steal money from the poster's wallet, and frantically Google the symptoms of pubic lice; the kids, who were left home with some poor sitter, are taking out their resentment by using the house as a satellite campus for Burning Man; the only reason the person looks so damn lean in that swimsuit is because they forgot that "don't drink the water" also applied to the ice cubes in those three mai tais last night. Get that body shot before you have to run back into the suite for a long sit!
2. Next are tales of career success and recognition. Just got yet another promotion? A raise, even though the rest of your department is being slashed due to the recession? Hey, I am envious - you've got a company parking spot, and you have medical coverage. I have to pay out of pocket for mine and fight with my carrier over why a zit in 2009 is considered a "pre-existing condition." But the good news is nine times out of ten, I know the difference between "your," "you're," and "ur," and I feel for your boss who just promoted you when you announced it like this: "They're r no wordz!! So syched to be in charge of West Coast offise!!!"
3. Many may be scrolling Facebook after coming home from another crappy online date, only to see young and old shouting out to their "Boo" for his/her b-day, an anniversary, or a decision to adopt a high-fiber diet. And really, the message for intended Boo is something between poster and Boo, like, "you've brought endless joy to my life all these years, babe!" with said Boo tagged. So…why is this announced publicly, when Boo is in the next room? Love is grand, but a lot of us know that you and Boo can't go six minutes without throwing passive aggressive javelins at each other, that Boo's bath salt phase in 2012 had noting to do with relaxing soaks in the tub, or that you have to put absinthe in your morning smoothie to cope with why Boo never posts gooey stuff like that about you.
I'd like to think everyone is genuinely confident and happy with life. But if they are, why are they posting about it…a LOT?
Just like with "reality" TV, much of Facebook reality is, well, scripted. Perhaps based loosely on actual events, but sometimes as real as when The Bachelor sets up the day's date in an episode by saying, "I planned a really exciting day for me and Vajoojala." What? You mean the contestant looking for love in a house of 25 women didn't really arrange to be picked up by helicopter, to picnic at a private vineyard, and then to parasail over the merlot grapes with one of his potential future wives? No, he didn't plan this. A team of overworked producers and their underpaid underlings did, and it cost a lot in product placement. It's. Not. Real.
So as you ration your last block of government cheese, scour the job boards for employment, delete creepy emails from your Match.com inbox, and go through your News Feed, giggle when you see how the guy who could never commit to even a hair gel is now constantly posting that "family life = #DaBest!!!" Dude, you married your stalker. I know this because you used to complain about her on your News Feed about four years ago, back when you were normal. And the gal posting endless mobile uploads of her latest lofty purchases – price tags still attached and prominent – might be making all her expendable income by working the truck stops after her 9-5 gig (even if she does have medical/dental).
You, on the other hand, might get a lot less "likes" on your posts, but ultimately, more real-time love.
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