If you've been living on earth for the past approximately 11 years, you know Jessica Simpson is as pregnant as the day is long. She's so importantly pregnant, in fact, that the tabloids have started covering the fact that she's still pregnant.
People.com ran this story:
And Us Weekly ran a story today about how Snooki is mortified by the size of Simpson's bump.
The world's most important commenters are even tweeting their concern:
But despite all the haters and worriers, Simpson is making the most of this joyous time in her life. Yesterday, she unleashed onto Vimeo the official video montage from her baby shower. It was apparently Charlotte's Web-themed, but I didn't pick up on that at all watching it. However, if you are one of those women in a position where you have to throw another woman a baby shower, you might pick up some valuable tips from J-Simps's, which was just about as perfect as baby showers get. I broke down the steps so that anyone can have as equally idyllic and joyous a baby shower as She of the Never-ending Pregnancy.
Step 1: Put "BABY" in big saloon-style lit-up letters on a wall made of bushes.
Step 2: Incorporate shabby chic furniture into the decorating scheme.
Step 3: Contrast the spendiness of the party and guests with mismatched paper lanterns.
Step 4: Prop presents decoratively on bales of hay.
Step 5: Wear a sheer snakeskin-printed long-sleeve dress.
Step 6: Make guests wear pink plastic safety pins around their necks so that everyone is constantly reminded they are at a baby shower, and you are having a girl.
Step 7: Do not wear embarrassing pink plastic safety pin ribbon necklace yourself.
Step 8: Place cartoonish cardboard animal cutouts around for ambience.
Step 9: Invite only the most fah-bulous babies, who wear tutus:
And hair accessories, even though they have no hair.
And are willing to take one for the team by wearing all the safety-pin necklaces other guests didn't want to wear.
Step 10: Only serve pie and fruit.
And some guacamole to dip the pies in.
Step 11: Act excited when people give you gifts that clearly came from the cash wrap at Urban Outfitters.
And totally insane-looking pink baby cowboy boots.
Along with the stuff that is actually necessary.
Step 12: Force no men to attend, except for the guy who impregnated you:
And the guy serving drinks:
Step 13: Set up a knitting station for the elderly.
Step 14: DEFINITELY HAVE THIS.
And here's video footage of just what you'll get if you do all of that perfectly. Happy showering!