Two nights ago I was dropped off across the street from my downtown Toronto apartment. It was late, around 4am, and I was coming home from a fun girls night out. As I walked towards my apartment there was a man standing outside having a cigarette. I didn't think much of him. Living in the downtown core there are always people out at every hour and I am not by nature a suspicious person. As I walked closer he said to me, "how much?", temporarily stunned I paused. He repeated again, "how much?", this time I told him to f*@! off. He then pulled out his wallet and opened it saying, "I have cash". At this point I was equal parts scared and disgusted and went quickly up the stairs towards my apartment door. I punched in the code and slipped in the door as I realized he was coming up behind me. I had to literally slam the door in his face to prevent him from following me inside. I ran up the stairs to my apartment, but could see him through the window of the front door trying to figure out the unlock code I had just punched in. He was still trying to follow me through a locked door! Horrified that he was still pursuing me I struggled for my keys. As I walked into my apartment I saw him walk off dejectedly. Shaken, I locked both the locks on our front door and stood there staring at it for a few minutes begging the handle to stay still and praying that I wouldn't hear the main door downstairs open. It didn't.
Everyone has heard a story just like this, and there are many much worse. What if he had been a little faster? What if he had seen the code I punched in? These questions kept me awake for hours. He violated the safety of my home and in doing so, he has stolen a piece of my freedom. Other thoughts were keeping me up as well and they are equally as disturbing and have been bothering me ever since.
While I lay awake, curled up in a ball in my bed I kept saying to myself, "but I was wearing jeans and a zipped up jacket", as if there is any excuse for this predator to be attacking someone if they had been wearing any less. My first thought was to blame myself, to find some reason that this man would come after me, something that I could have done differently. The reality of this situation and many others just like it is that these types of people exist and their reasons for doing these volatile acts are not under our control. Nor are they something that the victim should be feeling responsible for. This victim blaming mentality that immediately jumped into my mind made me realize how much of an prejudice it is in our society. Even in these days of women empowerment and equality, it remains a powerful and deeply embedded behaviour in the collective unconscious.
Earlier that same night one of my girlfriends had met a cute guy at the bar we were at. We went back with a few friends to an apartment nearby for a few late night drinks. Some time later our friend came to get us and told us, "we have to leave." The guy she had met was pressuring her to have sex with him. She refused and he got angry. He was upset because he felt he had been led on, as if a bit of kissing is consent for sex. Again, in this situation the victim is blamed. If she hadn't been dancing with him and kissing him he wouldn't have been so, 'turned on'. Then as if it is her responsibility to deal with his reaction he expects sex. If his intents had been explicit or his reaction hadn't been to jump to anger it might have been a different situation. As it stands, however, his reaction to become angry and to hold my friend responsible is a common example of victim blaming.
Though this situation isn't quite as severe as what I experienced, it still fosters the same issues and can lead to the same end. Many women get trapped in these situations with men where they are made to feel guilty, where the man puts ownership on the woman to 'deal' with his state and the woman gets trapped into having sex. Saying, 'no', in these situations when you are made to feel that you have done something wrong is much harder than it sounds. A lot of the time the woman will really feel as if it was her fault all along. This ingrained unconscious victim blaming must be stopped. When someone gets aggressively hit on or pursued, the first questions should never be, "well what were you wearing," or, "how far did you go?"
Equally as important as the societal whole embracing that victims are, by nature, not at fault, is for the victims themselves to feel this way. We've all heard the tragic statistics on how few rapes are reported because the victim feels somehow responsible. This is why it is so important for everyone to live their lives with confidence and self assurance. Repeat the mantra, "it was not my fault. I am strong, and I will stand up to my attacker."
I will end on this note; this thought piece is not meant to be specifically woman sympathetic, nor male-hating. I am also not limiting this victim blaming problem to just sexual assault cases, there are many different times where this mentality is present. What I am trying to convey is the importance of individuals to make an effort to recognize and change the unconscious beliefs that have been deeply rooted within our perception of reality.
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