6 F'd Up Historical Deaths

From a post that I wrote for StreetCarnage.com.

• 1. IRON IN THE HOLE

  

  You’d think having your Queen wife cheat on you, have you locked away, and deposed is bad enough, right? So wrong. Rumor has it that after being imprisoned, Edward II of England was murdered by having a sizzling scarlet iron inserted into his anus. I wonder if 14th century hemorrhoids were treated in the same manner?

• 2. DRUNK DONKEY FIG

  

  After getting his pet donkey drunk on wine, only to watch it pathetically attempt to munch on figs, Greek stoic philosopher Chrysippus laughed his ass to death.

• 3. ROBOT ATTACK

  

  Kenji Urada, a 37-year old maintenance engineer at a Japanese Kawasaki plant, is often said to be the first person killed by a robot. While working on a broken robotic arm, he failed to turn it off completely, only to have it push him “accidentally” into a grinding machine, killing him as his insides minced into sushi.

• 4. SWEET MALVASIA

  

  George Plantagenet, Duke of Clarence, must have experienced the ultimate of inebriated sensations upon drowning in a barrel of Malmsey wine at his own request. A winos dream, no doubt, although I’d rather have my lungs give out in a tub of Captain Morgan.

• 5. CABLE FIX

  

  As far as fetishes go, Sharon Lopatka’s (haha, her last name means shovel in Russian) undoubtedly wins best in show: With the internet at her fingertips, she solicited a man to torture and kill her for the purpose of sexual delight. A ready participant was not that easy to find, but after contacting several people a serious contender by the name of Robert Glass was fit for the request. After torturing Lopatka with a nylon cord for several days, strangling her most orgasmically as per request, her killer was convicted of voluntary manslaughter for homicide.

• 6. FOR THE HORNDOGS

  

  For all of you horny monkeys with quirky gambling habits, bow down to Sergey Tuganov’s departure into the grand beyond: This 28-year-old Russian made a $4,300 bargain with two women claiming that he could please them continuously for 12 hours. Fatality occurred in heart attack form after he swigged back an entire bottle of Viagra to keep lively during his wily task. Rest in peace, dearest Tuganov. Your efforts shall always be laughed upon.