The anti-thesis to the Electra Complex
For some strange reason, the Electra complex never appeared in any stage of my psychological development. From as far back in memory lane as I can enter, I have been repelled by my father and his very presence. I didn't want to fight him, but I did want to take flight at the faintest hint of his voice.
Not once do I remember any incident of wanting to be loved or cajoled by him, or being held by him. Much against my will, I do however have many memories of him, in his drunken stupor, reeking of the stench of fine spirits mixed with his Brut aftershave, calling out to me after landing home at odd hours, asking me to come and give "papa" a hug. Fearful of engaging him in another expletive-fest for having disappointed him at the tender age of 3, 4 or maybe even 11, I would quietly go and let him hug me.
My father was not physically abusive, not a bit: that's in fact been his only saving grace. He has, however, left the most emotional scars on my psyche.
At the age of 4, I wore pink nail polish and was called a prostitute. How is that equivalent to selling my body to strangers? I didn't understand what I did wrong, to be able to ask him.
At the age of 7, he slapped my face so hard for scoring a 60/100 in a Grade 3 English test that my head bounced on the backseat of the car and hit the window; and he called me a bitch for it. I didn't know the meaning of the word to be able to ask him.
At the age of 11, he called me blind in front of his entire family because I had a power of -7 and had misplaced my spectacles. He humiliated me with sarcastic jokes on my vision till I cried my lungs out. I didn't have the courage to ask him how that made me blind.
At 15, he started calling me bald because of my sparse hair growth. He refused to acknowledge me as his daughter in a crowd of his office colleagues. How does that make me 'bald and ugly'? I didn't have the audacity to ask him.
At 21, he told me I should fend for myself since he'd paid my bills thus far. I went for an interview and got molested. I didn't have the faith to tell him, for he would blame me for going to 'such a company.'
At 25, I was nearly raped by my (now) ex boyfriend. I didn't have the trust to tell him, for he would blame me for 'going out to get fucked.'
At 26, he asked me if I have a steady boyfriend. I didn't have the heart to tell him because he would blame me for 'ruining my life with a poor man.'
At 27, he told me I should start looking for a match. I told him 'I'm blind, bald and ugly. I'm not rich enough to fend for myself, and I dress like I'm selling myself out there. Maybe I even come across as a prostitute in my demeanour to men.'
My father said, "Who says?"
I had better sense than to answer him.
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