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The North American Basic White Guy

You know that guy? What was his name again? James? John? Jack? You know, that one you kept thinking you saw downtown but it was just some other guy? Here, I'll describe him to you:

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1. Hair (the Caesar. It's always a Caesar)

haircutsformen.org

You'll hear the North American Basic White Guy in his local barbershop or unisex salon, requesting a "3 or 4 on the sides, finger length on the top. A bit longer in the front, I like it messy" whilst swiping through his tinder matches or work emails and asking if they serve beer there.

haircutsformen.org

Here we see a NABWG with its signature "messy" look. Keep note, you should not touch the top of their hair when they are presenting it the following way. If the NABWG has used gel, you may prick yourself on one of the spikes. If they have opted for a styling wax, you will notice a thick residue will transfer onto your hands. Wash with soap and water immediately.

2. Attire

The NABWG is a simple creature with simple tastes. They tend to blend in with the crowd unless it's the game night for their favourite sports team, and try to limit their beauty regime to under 5 minutes (a fact they will inform you of on many occasions).

Their "dress up" attire does not stray from this rule. The signature NABWG shirt seen at weddings, work functions, and Sunday dinner with the in-laws is the powder blue button down/up. They also favor brown leather so as to match their wallet, belt, and shoes together.

The North American Basic White Guy takes casual wear very seriously. They have a collection of novelty t-shirts, basic white and black Fruit of the Loom shirts, an array of sneakers, and every scent that Axe Body Spray has ever released. CAUTION: Do not mention any denim brand to a NABWG outside of Levi's or the brand of their local work wear store (in Canada it's Denver Hayes). The NABWG is so invested in the Levi's brand that they do not call them "jeans", they are only referred to as "Levi's"

On game day, the NABWG has one shirt and one shirt only. They will wear the jersey of their team and any items of clothing they wore the last time that team won. This jersey is never washed. Do not ever try to wash this jersey, or even suggest that it be washed. You've been warned.

5. Hobbies

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Barbecuing. The Basic White Guy likes to get down with his primal roots and throw meat on a flame. Preferably whilst wearing roomy shorts and sipping a "cold one". Be wary of NABWGs who have been talking about watching the food network a lot lately. This may result in some questionable side dishes.

6. Beer

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The last descriptor on the list is Beer. Basic White Girls have Fraps in the summer, Pumpkin Spice lattes in the fall, and Candy Cane Mochas in the winter. The Basic White Guy has Watermelon beer in the summer, Pumpkin Beer in the fall, and Winter Ale in, well, the winter. They can spend hours talking to you about beer and will gladly take you down to sample their local brews. Just don't let them have too many, the NABWG is famous for its 2am post-bar-fight-sidewalk-puke

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