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-Oh, crap. I have my gyno appointment today.
-I HATE the gyno.
-Once a year is one time too many to be violated, poked and prodded with cold metal objects.
-Guess I should probably shower, huh?
-Ugh, I need to shave. This poor doctor doesn't need to be subjected to my winter stubble.
-I'm shaving and now I'm putting lotion on. I feel like I'm getting ready for a date.
-Well this kind of IS a date. I mean, I'm going to end up naked during it.
-OK, I've arrived. Time to fill out some forms. I don't like filling out forms.
-Now I'll just wait until they call my name. What's that? An HPV brochure? Cool, cool.
-Ah! It's go-time.
-The assistant is going to take my blood pressure and ask me a few standard questions. This is the easy part.
-Ugh, you want to weigh me? Please, God, no. I like to live in my ignorant bliss where I haven't stepped on a scale in months and just believe I weigh 100 lbs.
-OK, so the weighing thing is happening. Thanks for saying the number out loud… even though I can see it.
-I can *never* figure out how this gown goes on. Does the opening go in the front or back?
-And what's this random oversized paper towel thing for? Where does that go?
-Do I keep my socks on or take them off? On is awkward, right? But I need a pedicure and I don't want to be judged for that.
-I'll just wait here for the doctor. No clothes on, weird hospital gown on, unflattering fluorescent lights and models of fake vaginas everywhere. This must be what Hell is like.
-Alright, gyno is in the house. Let's get this ish over with.
-Thanks for making small talk with me during the process, doc. Discussing the current weather almost makes me forget we're getting to second base.
-Ah, the stirrups. Gotta love them stirrups. What's the most uncomfortable, mortifying and/or horrible position you can think of? Laying with your legs in stirrups is worse than that.
-Oooo-kay, THAT is not comfortable. REALLY wish you weren't doing that.
-Again, thanks for the small talk while the clamp is being used. I'm super glad your son is enjoying his first semester back at college.
-And we're done? EXCELLENT.
-See ya in a year, folks.
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