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I left Islam sometime in January of 2015 after being Muslim for 4 years. I was not born into a Muslim family. I converted in 2010 and started a new life with my Muslim husband, who, for the sake of anonymity and this story, I'll call Abdullah. Abdullah was 11 years my senior, and had been Muslim for almost half his life. He was also a convert to the religion and was well versed in the Quran, the holy book that Muslims believe was revealed to the Prophet Muhammad by Allah. I was satisfied in the religion. I loved having a personal connection to my Creator, something I didn't feel like I had when I lived as a Christian. I prayed five times a day, stayed away from pork and alcohol, and even wore a scarf over my head for 3 of the 4 years that I lived as a Muslim. Living in a small town in the South, I received a lot of stares, but also a lot of questions about Islam and Muslims. I felt proud to be giving "dawah", the Arabic word for "invitation", to non-Muslims. In some ways I even felt superior to non-Muslims, because I dressed modestly as Allah in the Quran commands women to do, and I felt that I had the "true religion". Muslims like to preach that Islam is a peaceful religion, but ironically, during my 4 years as a Muslim, my life was anything but peaceful. My marriage to Abdullah had been quick, we had only known each other for 2 months before marrying Islamically (not legally). I did not know that Abdullah had a conviction for domestic violence, but I soon got to experience this violent side of him. He would physically abuse me for lying to him, looking at men, or talking about my non-Muslim friends. He justified his actions by referring to one particular verse in the Quran, which can be found in Surah (chapter) 4, verse 34. This verse reads, Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband's] absence what Allah would have them guard. But those [wives] from whom you fear arrogance - [first] advise them; [then if they persist], forsake them in bed; and [finally], strike them. But if they obey you [once more], seek no means against them. Indeed, Allah is ever Exalted and Grand. The abuse did not happen every day, or even every week. But it did happen. I lived in fear of Abdullah, but felt that I couldn't do much to stop the abuse. After all, he had been given authority by Allah to beat me if I disobeyed him. As he punched me in the face, struck me with his belt, choked me, and threatened me with knives, my mind kept going back to that single verse in the Quran. I began to believe that I was the one who had brought this upon myself. It was my fault for being beaten. I just needed to be a better wife, more understanding and obedient. Then Abdullah wouldn't need to discipline me. After 4 years of marriage, I left Abdullah. It was not easy, it was not simple, but it was something I needed to do for myself, my sanity, and our son. I didn't want him to grow up and think that abusing someone was okay, a way to express his manhood and authority. I wanted to learn more about exactly why Allah would condone domestic violence, because I had never been really comfortable with this. So I went back to that same verse in the Quran and read it over and over again, even reading different translations of the same verse, hoping that somehow it had been mistranslated. Some translations say beat, strike, or scourge. But they all mean the same thing. I decided to see what the Prophet Muhammad said. If he was truly sent by Allah to convey His message, surely he would have something to say about how Muslim men should treat their wives. However, the Hadiths (reported says of Muhammad) that I read were not supportive at all. In fact, it seems as though the Prophet Muhammad himself was guilty of abusing his own wife, Aisha, and that there weren't really any repercussions for domestic violence, seeing as Muslim men would not have to answer to Allah as to why they chose to beat their wives. This was all very disheartening. Here I was, a woman who considered herself a feminist and strong proponent of women's rights, and I was in a religion that condoned violence against women. Sure, some Muslim scholars like to say that a beating should only be used as a last resort, or that there are specific rules for beating your wife, like the fact that the beating must not cause bleeding, an abrasion, etc. But really, how is this type of "light" beating going to instill any sort of discipline in the wife? It's actually ludicrous to think that this is what Allah meant, because if he left nothing out of the book, then wouldn't he have included these "rules" or provisions in this verse? And if this verse is mistranslated, as many Muslim scholars claim, then why haven't new translations of the Quran been produced with the correctly translated verse? Of the numerous English translations of the Quran, I have personally come across only one translation of the Quran that softens verse 4:34, and translates the word "beat" into the words "to go away", or separate, and perhaps ironically or coincidentally, this version of the Quran was translated by a woman, Laleh Bakhtair. In the end, I left Islam. While there were many things that I loved about the religion, such as the devotion to one god, and the sense of community with my fellow Muslims, I could not look past this one verse in the Quran. This verse negates anything and everything that I found wonderful with Islam. I have not found another religion, nor do I know if I ever will any time soon. I do know that I will refuse to worship a god or be a part of a religion that allows abuse towards any individual for any reason.
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