1. The Neighbour
He'll live in Hyde Park, and you'll live next door. He'll help you carry five bulging Asda bags up the stairs on the day you move in, and you form a connection when you drop the bananas and he makes a hilarious innuendo. You'll probably end up at his house after your housemates and you fall out of your taxi at the same time as he falls out of his. Before you know it, you'll be using his toothbrush in the morning instead of your own.
It'll be a short fling, but it'll lead to a year's worth of awkwardness. And during exam period, when you're both cooped up in your respective houses with nothing to do but revise, you'll sleep with him again.
2. The Up All Night Cool Guy
This guy is so intimidatingly cool that you'll have to study his SoundCloud before your date just so you don't sound completely dud. His wardrobe alone deserves to have a Burlington Arcade boutique in its honour, and you feel like you should let HUH magazine know that he exists so they can profile him. You're not quite sure why he agreed to going on a date with you (OK, you begged), but you're rolling with it and you're excited until you realise you're heading to Mint. A wild night out at Mint. You're suddenly less excited.
You soon realise you live on different time zones, the amount of Red Bull you're having to drink is draining your bank account, and there's only so long you can pretend you ~get~ his music. You end it with him, catch up on sleep, and go back to Taylor Swift.
3. The Jack Wills Jock
You met him in Fresher's Week. You were young, naïve, and new to this whole dating thing — and he was reasonably good looking. You mashed his face off at Fruity, then again in Mission, and then you realised that in the harsh light of day, he's a total clone of every other A&F-model wannabe Basically, he's dead lame. He wears the Hollister fragrance and cares more about his precious Ralph Lauren rugby shirt than his mother.
This guy gets really into the Otley Run theme and orders the most expensive, overpriced outfit just so he still looks half decent doing it. He's also the guy who jumps at the chance to wear rave paint on a night out and photobombs every picture, which he'll then tag himself into prove to Facebook friends in other cities that he's having a dead good time.
He spends more on moisturiser than you do, and you can't handle his vanity, so you phase him out.
4. The Bartender
You met him at Neon Cactus, kissed him, and later found out he works at Jake's. It's since worked out very well and in exchange for occasional smooches, you jump on the Jager train for free. It's the most economical thing you ever did. Even mother would be proud.
5. The Club Promoter
You slept with this guy once, and you refuse to delete his number because he's become your backup for extra lonely, desperate nights. You've got him on Facebook too, so you can message him when you need to get free guest-list. But his profile makes you cringe, as it's full of, "I promise you guys, this night is going to be SICKKKK" statuses, and worse, albums full of him snuggling up to half-dressed girls.
He's "friends" with just about everybody on campus, knows everyone in your halls, and though you know they're very fake friendships, hanging round with him does nothing for your own self-esteem.
6. The Good Guy
You met this guy when he generously let you check out the library book you both needed. You flicked your eyelashes and he threw the book your way, along with an invitation to a cheesy date. Over dinner at La Tasca, he stumbled over his words, you found it endearing and he basically panted when you suggested staying out for another drink.
He spends half his time in Edward Boyle — in the clusters, of course. He's dedicated to his course, but has an air of cool about him. He wears Converse, he's got the shaggy sort of hair you fell in love with on Johnny Borrell, and his Urban Outfitters "Pugs Not Drugs" t-shirt is cringe but kind of cute. When he talks about science with his friends, it all goes over your head. And when they've had a few pints (okay, two), they get loose and start revealing all sorts of hilarious things. He's not got the coolest rep in the city, but he's down-to-earth, husband material. Or at least three-dinner-dates material. You're happy to invite this guy to dinner with your parents because they'll leave thinking you've got life under control.
7. The Medic
There were no computers left in Edward Boyle so you ventured over to the secret cubbyhole of Irene Manton where you met… him. Tall, dark, and 'cos he's in Irene Manton, unquestionably clever. You've said as much as your first name and you're already thinking mansion in the country and four kids at private school.
He spends his days shadowing other doctors in hospitals or cramming for crazy difficult exams in the library before coming home to have his shoulders rubbed. Dating a hardworking guy is romantic, see?
But the best thing about him is that he knows the human body inside out, so he's very good in bed.
8. The Non-Student
If we can thank Tinder for anything, it's for taking us out of the student bubble. Widen our filters slightly and we end up meeting guys who don't live on Brudenell Grove and aren't students.
You've been chatting to this guy, this professional has-an-actual-job guy, for a while and he suggests meeting up. You suggest Reds, he suggests Chapel Allerton. God, this guy is a grown up. You swap your Miss Selfridge mini dress for a Warehouse midi dress, and instantly feel on his level.
On your first date he has a glass of Chardonnay waiting for you. You're like, woah. There's no £1 sambucas here, it's all three courses and coffee. Later, he texts you to check you got home safe and you go to bed feeling like a princess. But then your friends ask questions about him that freak you out and you realise it's probably only three years until he goes bald. He's nearer 40 than 20. And when you meet his friends who are all non-student, sophisticated types, ones who don't order "the cheapest drink, please" or Instagram their plate, you realise you're probably a bit too different.
9. The Lecturer
Not just any lecturer. Your lecturer. This started very well, and ended very badly.