FACT: Women are hilarious. Need proof? Presenting exhibits 1-40, the funniest tweets by women this week.
Make sure you follow these funny ladies on Twitter!
1.
“so i did a thing…” - millennial admitting to a majorly violent crime
2.
Just paid a bill. I really can’t keep doing this shіt
3.
cut my jeans into pieces they're now a pair of jorts
4.
Damn Attenborough looks busted as hell
5.
Whispering “yes chef” to myself as I lovingly place my Amy’s 3 Cheese & Kale bake into the microwave for four minutes
6.
Me: “my acid reflux is killing me!” Also me: *eats horizontally*
7.
Parents act like they’re members of civilized society, when in reality we’re squirreling away our kids’ baby teeth like a bunch of serial killers
8.
Conspiracy theorists are so useless. They’re always like “a tiny group of powerful elites is ruling the world and acting only upon their own interests,” and it’s like yeah, we see that. We can all see that.
9.
Live the life you deserve. Throw out your fucking nightmare of a duvet cover and buy a washable quilt. Peace is within reach.
10.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
11.
“you’re not my type” bro i’m trynna fuck not donate blood
12.
My 5-year old daughter: Can I have some matches? Me: Sweetie, matches are dangerous. Kids can’t play with matches. My 5-year old daughter: Mom, I’m not going to PLAY with them, I’m going to light fires.
13.
Guys on dating apps thinking they crushed the opener https://t.co/z0edyXy7H4
14.
Me, watching pornography: “ugh, ANOTHER unnecessary sex scene?!?!”
15.
One of my most firmly held beliefs is that I should not have to work or pay bills
16.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
17.
the pox is spreading, everyone is criticizing notable Catholics, antisemitism is on the rise ... big 1300s energy rn
18.
By 30 you should have friends you can FaceTime on the toilet.
19.
we need to return to the office cause NONE of my coworkers have any idea that i sigh dramatically 10-20 times per hour for no reason
20.
seinfeld is great cause you just watched one of the best episodes you’ve ever seen and then it goes to the bass line theme with jerry doing standup in front of the curtain going “what’s up with having all these boxes when you move”
21.
2-year-old, handing me some Play-Doh on a plate: Here Mama. Me, pretending to eat it: Yum yum so tasty, what is it? 2-year-old: It's a hamster.
22.
I trained my body to push my morning poop back two hours so I can do it at work on COMPANY TIME. Follow me for more tips on work/life balance.
23.
my 4 year old was smiling so sweetly at my 1 year old this morning and I was like “aw what are you thinking about honey?” and she was like “how I want to chop off the baby’s head. and then play bouncy ball with it.” ??????????????????????????????
24.
Sometimes you can just look at a person and tell they’re good at sex. I am of course talking about amy klobuchar
25.
As an adult I expected more buying whatever I wanted and less of my feet hurting.
26.
*needs to clean entire apt* *spends 45 mins obsessing over cleaning the bottom of a cheap plastic tub*
27.
I like lying down,it is free and it is comfortable, thank u
28.
Michael Scott absolutely would have made Return to Office mandatory
29.
and she never wore lipstick again https://t.co/YhH9VWNytf
30.
I know I have an issue with needing approval because I am legitimately into when I order and the waiter says “Great choice.”
31.
nooooo Rep Jayapal I thought we were friends
32.
just gave my boyfriend an incorrect direction in the car and he sighed and muttered to himself “never assign to malice what can be attributed to incompetence”
33.
Hypothetically, if a person were to purchase a second seat for her stroller, could she put her baby in one seat and her chiweenie in the other? So it would ✨hypothetically✨ look like this:
34.
went up to a hot girl to be like “where did you get your yoga pants they look so good” and she was like “amazon, i wouldn’t recommend them, they’re pretty bad quality, i just have a nice body” thank you for your transparency queen
35.
Cut my hair today. Now I gotta cut a major artery so all my loved ones visit the hospital and see this blowout at its freshest.
36.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
37.
i can't spend the rest of my life convincing an automatic faucet i exist, i just can't
38.
mmm nice try bosses
39.
wait Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson were dating?? I didn’t even know. I was too busy reading books and getting laid
40.
at this point the earth could split clean in half and my only response would be to sigh and open twitter