Ah, neighbors — the foundation of Mr. Rogers' little utopia.
In reality, some of the worst human interactions of the modern era take place in neighborhood social media groups.
No conflict or gripe is too small to inspire incandescent rage, but one topic in particular stokes the flames of unrest: fireworks.
1. "Gunshot or fireworks? I'm calling the cops either way."
All the neighborhood Karens running to complain on the neighborhood Facebook group after hearing fireworks
Absolutely fuck fireworks, but the issue certainly isn't getting solved on Facebook.
2. "The Star-Spangled Banner" would sound veeeeery different if this person wrote it.
Me @ my brain when I get The Song That Never Ends stuck in my head despite not hearing it in over two decades.
3. As far as TED Talks go...we've seen worse.
My very angry Ted Talk to my Facebook neighborhood group.
4. Bonus points if the fireworks post is intricately entangled with a commenter's concepts of patriotism and freedom.
5. Of course, some people live for the drama like they're watching the latest episode of The Real Housewives of Bumblefuck, USA.
Heading right over to my neighborhood’s Facebook group the second the sun goes down tonight so I can watch people duke it out over fireworks
It's me. I'm "some people."
Frankly, few things are more entertaining than watching your neighbors duke it out over petty quibbles — especially if they have a flair for the dramatic.
6. Who among us has not hated every single other person among us?
"When neighbors start talking, good things happen." 🏡
7. The anti-choicer was murdered by the Chalk Slayer, on the driveway, with the uterine art.
chalk slay 🤞 hoping to piss off some of the idiots in my neighborhood facebook group
8. There are two kinds of people: the First-Line Comment War Soldiers and the Reserve Comment-Liking Reinforcements.
I need the people in the Altadena neighborhood facebook group I’m in to wake up, get online and start liking my comments so I win this comment war I’m in under a post shaming another neighbor. Guys I DO NOT LIVE IN ALTADENA I HAVEN’T EVEN HAD COFFEE PLEASE HELP.
9. Economic trends 🤝 David's ego → overly inflated
I think I just murdered someone in the neighborhood Facebook group.
10. And on the seventh day, this hero rested.
I got blocked from my neighborhood’s facebook group for this comment. 😂😂 #CancelCulture
11. *Kim Kardashian GIF* It's what she deserves.
ok literally i think the senior citizens in my neighborhood bullied this girl off of nextdoor, her account seems to no longer exist
12. Finally, we can throw those pesky Slow Children At Play signs away!!!
neighborhood facebook group wants to get a summer camp cancelled because it's going to shut down one block of parking spots 🚗 👍
13. More like homeowners ASSociation, amirite?????
me watching the neighborhood Facebook group very gradually but decisively turn against the HOA
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Fuck HOAs.
14. Don't you just hate it when the millennial/Gen Z a-hole living in your mirror accurately reflects your Karen status back at you?
Babe you putting this on Nextdoor proves their point.
15. Yes, I'm MAGA: Make America Get rid of dingdong ditch Again.
I was curious if Nextdoor was talking about the kids who dingdong ditched the neighborhood last night and Nextdoor Boomers are losing their utter shit that some kids *checks notes* rang the doorbell and ran away. A real normal response.
16. URGENT. HELP! HOW DO WE WRITE THIS HERO SON BACK INTO THE WILL?
17. Someone has made QUITE the enemy out of the local Proud Potato-Hating Lexus Owners community.
18. If you're not sure if you're in the Racist Facebook Group, you probably are.
Every majority-white city neighborhood or close ring suburb has The Normal Facebook Group and The Racist Facebook Group
19. If you leave home heading west with your dog and only pass 13 American flags in two and a half miles, how much will you embarrass yourself in the subsequent Nextdoor post?
"When neighbors start talking, good things happen." 🏡
20. Please consider the following options: a. not posting, or b. pulling your entire head out of your ass.
Nextdoor an unappreciated darkhorse against twitter and reddit for deranged shit like this https://t.co/keazf0T3b2
21. One thief if by foot, two thieves if by car.
22. I want to meet the unhinged weirdos who look at Nextdoor posts and think, "I wonder if that person's single???"
THIS 👏 IS 👏 NOT 👏 A 👏 DATING 👏 SITE 👏
23. TBH, this is just a normal day in Boston.
i log into nextdoor just for posts like these
"How does one even approach this situation???" You don't. You absolutely do not go near the man wearing the pigeon-stuffed backpack.
24. QUICK, someone call BuzzFeed Unsolved!
25. The Lord giveth a shirt, and the Lord taketh that shirt away.
26. A woman goes to the doctor with too many emails. The doctor says treatment is simple, just ask your neighbors to change their email notifications. "But doctor," she says, "I am their email notifications."
And sure, there's occasionally some redeeming wholesome content in these groups. Case in point: animal-spotting.
27. Somewhere in an alternate universe, coyotes are posting in their neighborhood groups about human sightings.
My favorite neighborhood Facebook posts are when someone complains about poop on the hiking trails and posts pics as evidence, and someone replies “So that’s coyote poop. Many animals live in the woods.”
28. The animal identification fights are brutal, but the stakes could not possibly be lower because fledglings don't know that's what we call them.
Just a normal Sunday afternoon getting into fights in my neighborhood Facebook group
29. If you hear a wild drum solo nearby, you may have spotted an Animal.
shoutout to the guy on nextdoor who posted this image captioned only "Animal?"
Easily one of the top five Muppets, without a doubt.
But if we're being honest, there's only one way to truly end the madness.
30. Escape while you still can!
I deleted @Nextdoor and it really was one of the greatest things I ever did.
Never change, neighbors. Your chaos keeps the rest of us sane. <3
