A great joy of parenthood is how kids constantly surprise you in new and exciting ways.
So when you find a parenting philosophy that works, it's best to just go with it.
1.
you think it’ll be different when you’re a parent but I just heard myself say “how many times do i have to tell you?!?” and had a full-on ego death
2.
Once again thinking about how deeply fucked up the custody agreement in The Parent Trap is. They were just like “we each get one baby, then we’ll never see our other child for LIFE. But it’s ok bc they look the same”
3.
My husband’s parenting style is he just said to the kids “Ok let’s all try to be a little more manageable.”
4.
i've got a paperclip but i can't find the 'restart' pinhole on my kids wtf
5.
60% of being a father is keeping the family updated on the weather.
6.
I’d jump in front of a moving train to protect my kids but yeah they’re on their own if seagulls show up…it turns out.
Set healthy boundaries!
Don't forget to impart life's many food-related lessons upon your kids!
7.
Establish dominance by eating your kids' breakfast while you're making it for them.
8.
I’m not sure where exactly I went wrong with my parenting but my kids all bite holes in their ice cream cones and eat them from the bottom.
9.
My kid asked me to hold her ice cream without eating any and I was like, I love you kid but some lessons you have to learn the hard way
Honesty is the best policy...except when it's not.
10.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
11.
my kid: what was college like? me: ummm… lots of studying
12.
does knocking the chocolate smudges off of my 4yo with a water gun count as a bath?
Speaking of dishonesty, that includes all the little white lies we tell ourselves!
Robert Frost once wrote, "Two roads diverged in a wood, and my kid took the one less traveled by, and now I'm chasing him, but he's weirdly fast for a 2-year-old, and I'm just so! damn! overwhelmed!"
13.
My kids are living their best life at the expense of my best life.
14.
Friend: What's it like having 3 kids? Me: You know when the Dementors attacked Harry? A lot like that.
15.
doctor: symptoms of the vaccine in young children may include extreme fatigue… me: *leaning forward* tell me more
16.
If I was struck by lightning my child would be very upset, because I would be unable to look through every drawer and the entire refrigerator offering every possible snack until my child turns them all down and demands something completely new and nonexistent to eat
17.
Have kids so you can get asked questions like "How does Iron Man pee?" at 3 a.m.
18.
I swear I'd like parenting so much more if kids didn't constantly interru--
19.
My kids interrupted me to ask me what my catchphrase is and I said to my husband “shit what was I about to do” and they were like oh ya that’s totally your catchphrase
20.
Me when my child is explaining the rules of the game she just made up for us to play
Choose your battles wisely — because everything is a battle.
21.
My kid being mad that he got a $5 bill instead of a quarter from the tooth fairy is exactly why we won’t ever win the war against children
22.
Laying on my bed and my 4yo asks to play in my hair. She starts combing it gently; it feels lovely. 8yo comes in the room after her bath and asks me why the 4yo has scissors in my hair?! Dear reader: my 4yo was "combing" my hair w/scissors b/c she "couldn't find a comb" 🙃
23.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
24.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
25.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
26.
When I was just outside the room, someone shouted, "DAD'S COMING," and all my kids scattered. Definitely nothing suspicious going on here. I'm going to bed.
27.
My toddler just said “Oh Shit” after he messed something up so that’s how parenting is going so far
28.
My toddler just ‘well, actually’d me. He’s three going on middle aged white man
29.
Two portraits of me by my son. Orange in the morning and green in the evening. Wtf did I do to him yesterday?
30.
Family game night in a nutshell Me: don’t be a sore loser 6yo: too late I already am
31.
My favorite part of bathing my daughter is she hates to get her face wet while also refuses to sit still when I rinse the shampoo
32.
I gave my teen what I thought was a pretty inspirational speech this morning, to which she replied “Stop with the mushy stuff.”
33.
My toddler insisted that I hold her and is now crying because I’m touching her and suddenly I’m questioning this whole motherhood thing
The chaos of traveling with kids is a whole other beast.
34.
my kid is packing for vacation and so far she has a naked baby doll, four rocks, a pair of binoculars, a pillow, and a popsicle stick
35.
My 10-year-old carefully packed everything she'd need for a week-long trip to Grandma's house. Then she forgot her entire bag in her room. Guess who got a shopping spree for all new clothes. I'm pretty sure she planned this.
36.
So my kid just called me from camp and told me that tonight they are "doing a fun activity where the counselors try to chase down the campers in a black van." I never went to camp but I am hoping he got that wrong. 😐
37.
Day 1 of vs. morning of day 2 family vacation
Through it all, the small victories and joys of parenthood are worth all the struggles.
38.
Today my son said, "What's ten times ten times two?...two hundred?" and I literally ran away from him like he had cast an evil incantation. THEY JUST KEEP LEARNING THINGS.
Hank Green, famous for helping people learn a lot of things: "Literally no one could have seen this coming!"
39.
played hide and seek with my kid tonight and honestly? game still slaps
40.
My kids forgot who was counting in hide and seek, so they've both been hiding quietly for 5 minutes. I'm not even playing but I'm clearly the winner here
But a nap would still be great.
You know what else is great? Following all these hilarious parents on Twitter!!!
After all, it takes a village to raise a tweet about raising a child.