Apropos of nothing, did you know there's a Facebook page called BuzzFeed Sweaty? No, I will not elaborate. Now on to this week's roundup!
As always, make sure you follow these funny ladies on Twitter!
1.
me: exciting things are happening! my anxiety: and for my next trick I will turn exciting things into terrifying things
2.
about to go to a yale law party, can’t wait to pretend i’ve never heard of yale
3.
looking at my boyfriend stand in the shower behind the sliding glass door like i’m at the aquarium
4.
“Are you feeling rested after the long weekend??” Me:
5.
Every metaverse pitch I get on LinkedIn boils down to "we are building a new world where anything is possible and the only limit is your imagination. for example, in this new world you can buy and wear various clothes"
6.
boyfriend said I’m the most beautiful woman in the galaxy knowing full well there are countless other galaxies in the universe ?? crying and throwing up
7.
Me, standing in a pencil skirt: I am a sleek and sophisticated professional Me, doing anything else in a pencil skirt: Is it possible to drive this car sidesaddle
8.
You were not a teenage dirtbag you were a section leader in your high school marching band
9.
Me in animal crossing trying to figure out interior design
10.
My 4y/o slipped half a corn cob in a water bottle + called it “corn water” + screwed it tight + checks it daily + guards it scrupulously + tonight he took a stealthy sip + announced “it needs another day” + I just realized he’s making … moonshine?
11.
No one has ever committed harder to a bit than the men who dump women then compulsively watch their Instagram stories for the rest of time
12.
Being a baby gotta be traumatizing at times. Imagine going to sleep at your house & you wake up at Target
13.
saved a 25 year old (25)(twenty five) (20 5)(25 btw) man’s number in my phone, and he looked at it and said “damn no emojis”.
14.
You either die a hometown hero or live long enough to see yourself become the
15.
brat kink blows my mind lmao imagine being sexually excited by the idea that you're really annoying
16.
i love when my cat pushes open the bathroom door the same way a cowboy would bust open the doors to a saloon
17.
quebec is wario to france
18.
every midwestern person i meet loves telling me about an amazing food place they grew up w/ and it always has a name like “clurmpees”
19.
She’s gonna fucking hate movies in this one https://t.co/c6Oi8dvLND
20.
i'm in a birding group on facebook and sometimes when someone posts a nice pic i comment "beautiful bird" so no i dont want to do coke in the bathroom with you
21.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
22.
well well well if it isn’t me writing all the things from last week’s to-do list on this week’s to-do list
23.
oh your boyfriend’s a doctor? well my boyfriend is now the coach of an imaginary football team for the next 4 months
24.
I hate when my boobs ruin an outfit. Like we could have been serving cottagecore but thanks to you guys it’s milkmaid MILF
25.
dream blunt rotation
26.
Nahhhh why my wax lady reschedule my appointment cause she said somebody farted on her and she can’t stop throwing up 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 omfggg
27.
asked a friend to hang out and he said he was in the middle of getting revenge and would be busy with that for the next week
28.
paypal is like "you just received $100! what would you like to do with your $91? oh you want to transfer your $86? okay transferring $79 to your bank"
29.
In the age of cell phones, the area code has become the ancestral clan name or heraldry. It is a marker of old stories, loyalties, a statement that says "there was a land I came from but am there no longer"
30.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Don't miss last week's funniest tweets by women!
31 Hilarious Tweets By Women That Made Me Laugh So Hard I Needed My Inhaler (9/4/22)