40 Hysterical Parents Who Tweeted Through Another LooOOOoooOOong Month Of Parenthood
"It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening. Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, 'are we still on earth?'" —@fklein907
July was filled with some truly great tweets by parents, so I've collected the 40 funniest jokes to get all you tired parents out there through the rest of summer vacation.
me: It’s important to tell your parents everything.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) July 5, 2023
my 8yo: when mommy woke up this morning she looked 100 years old.
me: whatever you do don’t tell her that.
Make sure you follow all these hilarious parents on Twitter!
1.
my kid turned 15 seven minutes ago and the first thing he did was call his buddy, who is 4 days younger than him, and said "how does it feel to be 14, idiot?"
— Sen. Lemon Gogurt (I - Podcastia) (@Ugarles) July 19, 2023
2.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) July 31, 2023
3.
Another trip to the pet store with my two-year-old who has a hard time with the "k" sound, another loud public exclamation of glee about seeing his favorite animal, kitties
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) July 18, 2023
4.
Told my 3 year old we had to go grocery shopping and he said “don’t worry, I’ll make a list” pic.twitter.com/8LYUByRnZo
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) July 17, 2023
5.
At what point do children move from “wow mom makes me clean an unreasonable amount” to “maybe if I didn’t put so much toothpaste on the counter I would have less to clean up”
— StressieBessie (@EPrecipice) July 31, 2023
6.
I watched my son become a man this morning. He made his own lunch for camp, and then wailed, “why aren’t there lids to fit any of these containers?!”
— heather osterman-davis she/her (@HeatherOsterman) July 18, 2023
7.
I called a family meeting and my 8yo gone say, “is this a paid meeting”.
— Princess (@themultiplemom) July 17, 2023
I be positive parenting but children don’t be positive childrening.
8.
My 3-year-old was BEGGING me to buy her something at the store, and I usually don’t give in, but I did this time because it was only 99 cents and it was this bunch of scallions pic.twitter.com/KSZjAxN24i
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) July 25, 2023
9.
Potty training is so hard, omg. I mean not for my son, he picked it up right away. But for me bc now I have to pretend to have a celebration on the scale of the Wedding Crashers wedding hopping montage every time he pees. Which is apparently 47 times a day.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) July 10, 2023
10.
Guys I need to report a severe violence, the eight year old was deciding what all our powers would be if we were supervillains and when it came to me she said “you would read people your stories and make them way, way too sad and bored”
— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) July 16, 2023
11.
My son is named my Eli.
— Jerome Adams (@JeromeAdamsMD) July 14, 2023
My golf instructor is named Eli.
I texted my son to tell him to take the dogs and the trash out.
My golf instructor then texted me, “is 1030 tomorrow okay?”
I fired back a not so nice message… 🤦🏽♂️
12.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
— Frances Klein (@fklein907) July 14, 2023
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
13.
5 year old: Something happened in the kitchen.
— Laura (@laurawritesit) July 18, 2023
Husband: what was it?
5yo: A ghost was doing experiments.
Us: ................oh no
14.
For those wondering, he thought she meant Target’s toy section, but she said “imagine Target but with all the Toys ever made!”
— Tre (@trestewart_) July 16, 2023
The look on his face when he found out such a place existed… but he can’t go…
If you have a Time Machine, hit me up.
15.
Who brings a 2 year old to Ibiza 💀 pic.twitter.com/wL3Mlnf8h6
— Checno (@bryancheco_) July 16, 2023
16.
6 y/o niece walked into my bedroom last night.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 14, 2023
Her: is this your bedroom?
Me: yes
Her: where does uncle Skylar sleep?
Me: [prepared to explain gay people exist] he sleeps here, too.
Her: I meant what side of the bed.
Me: oh. That side.
Her: ...he has a LOT more pillows than you.
17.
I may have cracked the toddler parenting code. I think the key to stopping a small child from doing something they shouldn't (possibly forever??) is to ASK THEM TO DO IT AGAIN FOR THE CAMERA.
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) July 31, 2023
Big if true, stay tuned, more at 6, expensive online course taught by me coming soon
18.
I do not want to encourage my daughter to fixate on her appearance, but I do love when she dresses herself in the most chaotic outfit (strawberry dress, purple tutu, seagull leggings, bunny socks under rainbow sandals), then looks in the mirror and whispers “I look perfect.”
— Michelle Cyca (@michellecyca) July 14, 2023
19.
In the car, everyone silent for 5 mins:
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) July 16, 2023
My three year old: What if there was a sheep that worked at a doctors office?
20.
My finest parenting moment is when I sent my son to daycare in a jean jumpsuit and then at pickup, his shy teacher whispered “the jean jumpsuit was a sensation” and informed me that word had spread throughout the school and teachers were traveling from other classrooms to see it
— Kim Quindlen (@kimquindlen) July 28, 2023
21.
Nice lady: I love your hair
— Serena Williams (@serenawilliams) July 16, 2023
Me: Awww Thanks!
Olympia : It’s a WIG!!!
22.
When You Don’t Want to Cook Because it’s Too Hot But Your Child Hates Salad
— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) July 20, 2023
23.
i’m teaching a 6th grade summer school comic class. today we were making 4-panel comics; the assignment was “tell me a joke in only 4 panels.” i was walking around and saw one of them was in the process of drawing this (pictured: my sloppy recreation) pic.twitter.com/D6bYqDgBZN
— Tucker Wooley⚡️ (@tucker13x) July 13, 2023
24.
Me: *eyelid twitching, trying to remain calm by reminding myself that it's a class for literal toddlers and nobody else notices*
— Robert Komaniecki (@Komaniecki_R) July 20, 2023
My wife, who is the only other person in the room that notices: pic.twitter.com/JcvicGBwJS
25.
Today at pick-up, the childcare teacher informed me that my darling son was caught red-handed trying to eat another child's banana. She showed me the confiscated banana as proof. I looked over at him sternly, and caught him trying to eat yet another child's banana.
— sarah radz (@sarahradz_) July 21, 2023
26.
I’m really stressed about moving not so much for the moving part but bc everything my toddler has said about us moving implies he thinks we are renting him a truck to personally pack and drive our stuff by himself to our new house.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) July 21, 2023
27.
My daughter sent this text during the break of Day 2 of the bar exam. I’m going to go ahead and tell you, this guy not only is going to pass but he is going to make the most money in the room. pic.twitter.com/Aq2ADlBs0Z
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) July 27, 2023
28.
6 yo cousin: do you know my little pony game on the phone?
— Roy (@CaeDios) July 24, 2023
me: yeah, i used to play that game before you were born
cousin: i used to watch my little pony back in the day
me: ..... what days?? you're 6
cousin: no, back when i was a tiny tiny baby not a adult
me: !?!?!?
29.
So uh... My 7 year old and her therapist came out of their session. Her therapist says "[7] has something to tell you." She hemmed and hawed, tried to change the subject, and then confessed: she smuggled two tiny live frogs into therapy in a toy doctor kit.
— Katy Rex the Lizard Lady ❤️🦃 (@thekatyrex) July 25, 2023
30.
i told my son this once when he was like 5 and years later i told him about a sad thing that happened to me when i was a kid and he said “i was there” and i was like what and he said “i was there as an egg” 😩😩 https://t.co/QHL1V1f3Xp
— youngmi mayer (@ymmayer) July 26, 2023
31.
NO PEPPA PIG! THEYVE IGNORED IMPORTANT SAFETY REGULATIONS! pic.twitter.com/a1jTDiTmBi
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) July 6, 2023
32.
We are moving to an apartment where we won't have our own yard. 5 year old was upset, we felt terrible. Finally after lots of coaxing and questioning, she admitted she's sad we won't have...a rake.
— Laura (@laurawritesit) July 30, 2023
Me: But why would we need a rake if we don't have a yard?
Her: Um, for AUTUMN.
33.
[Looking at a video of a mom cat and a baby kitten]
— EmilyPaigeComedy (@EmPaigeComedy) July 28, 2023
Toddler: The mommy has a bigger tail!
Me: That’s right!
Toddler: Just like you have a bigger butt!
Me: 😐
34.
was saying ‘i’ve had a lot going on lately’ and my seven year old niece said ‘no you haven’t’…..fucking savage
— lana schwartz (@_lanabelle) July 29, 2023
35.
My son asked me for a younger sibling. I said whats the point even if I started today you'll be 7 years older than the child, you can't even do anything together. Why this boy got in my face talmbout "BUT I DO THINGS WITH YOU ALL THE TIME AND YOU ARE SO MUCH OLDER THAN ME" pic.twitter.com/FGHAUIXgTw
— Ozzy (@ozzyetomi) July 11, 2023
36.
most often it's cute when kids have alternative names for things. however my 8 yo calling taco bell's cinnabon delights "creamy balls" confirms that we are out of the cute-renaming-of-things stage.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 12, 2023
37.
The baby's favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, "the babies." We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
— Trey (@treydayway) July 10, 2023
38.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
— That Mom Tho 🐦 (@mom_tho) July 8, 2023
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
39.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I've never felt so seen.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) July 8, 2023
40.
I was annoyed because I know I told my husband something that he swears I never said, and then my son jumped in and said, "Yeah, Daddy, Mommy did say that." And just like that, I now have a favorite child.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) July 12, 2023
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