50 Genuinely Hilarious Jokes By Parents Who REALLY Need A Break
"My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize." —@KatieDeal99
Summer 2023 is officially over, but the laughs keep coming! Here are the funniest 50 tweets by parents from the past three months!
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
— sarah radz (@sarahradz_) September 7, 2023
Make sure you follow all these hilarious parents on Twitter!
1.
my daughter said she really wants to get baptized. I was surprised & asked her why & she said “I just love water mom.” LMFAO ??
— B 🦋 (@DontWorryBoutB) August 6, 2023
2.
Today at pick-up, the childcare teacher informed me that my darling son was caught red-handed trying to eat another child's banana. She showed me the confiscated banana as proof. I looked over at him sternly, and caught him trying to eat yet another child's banana.
— sarah radz (@sarahradz_) July 21, 2023
3.
Told my 3 year old we had to go grocery shopping and he said “don’t worry, I’ll make a list” pic.twitter.com/8LYUByRnZo
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) July 17, 2023
4.
A lady in a mom group I’m in posted that she’s pregnant and wants to name her daughter Eieoie and the moms in the comments are ruthless and posting the lyrics to Old MacDonald Had a Farm 😭😭
— e 🕯✨ (@nienna121) August 6, 2023
5.
love a 3 year old having the self-awareness to be like “yes i am being a prick but it’s NOT because of cartoons”
— chuck 🍂 (@charlubby) September 13, 2023
6.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
— MumOfTwo (@MumOfTw0) August 19, 2023
7.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) July 31, 2023
8.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
— sarah radz (@sarahradz_) August 3, 2023
9.
My daughter sent this text during the break of Day 2 of the bar exam. I’m going to go ahead and tell you, this guy not only is going to pass but he is going to make the most money in the room. pic.twitter.com/Aq2ADlBs0Z
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) July 27, 2023
10.
Nice lady: I love your hair
— Serena Williams (@serenawilliams) July 16, 2023
Me: Awww Thanks!
Olympia : It’s a WIG!!!
11.
My 2yo screamed in Costco, cause he’s 2. This crusty old man came up to us and said, “I’m one of Santa’s helpers. That means I’ll tell Santa about who’s being a naughty boy” to which my 6yo replied, “Mommy why isn’t that old guy minding his business?”
— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) August 2, 2023
The kid gets it.
12.
The 5-year-old has been limping around with a leg injury all morning and I would feel bad for her except the injury is “a fox bit her in her dream”
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) August 5, 2023
13.
14: hey dad...Why should you never fight a dinosaur??
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) August 16, 2023
me: why
14: You'll get jurasskicked.
he's a dad. they grow up so fast.
14.
it was splash day at preschool and they sent the wrong towel home with my son
— Bill Hanstock (@sundownmotel) August 10, 2023
this was someone’s towel at preschool today pic.twitter.com/gxiLxhVkYE
15.
Knock at the door. I open it.
— abs af (@absflora) August 13, 2023
Neighbor kid: “I… I was trying to do a… a ding-dong… thing..”
Me: “A ding dong ditch?”
NK: “Yeah!”
Me: “But you forgot to leave?”
NK: “Yeah!”
Me: “Do you want to try again?”
NK: “Yeah!”
16.
11-year-old: I'm bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 23, 2023
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven't learned those yet.
Lucky us.
17.
6 y/o niece walked into my bedroom last night.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) July 14, 2023
Her: is this your bedroom?
Me: yes
Her: where does uncle Skylar sleep?
Me: [prepared to explain gay people exist] he sleeps here, too.
Her: I meant what side of the bed.
Me: oh. That side.
Her: ...he has a LOT more pillows than you.
18.
I called a family meeting and my 8yo gone say, “is this a paid meeting”.
— Princess (@themultiplemom) July 17, 2023
I be positive parenting but children don’t be positive childrening.
19.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) August 20, 2023
20.
6 yo cousin: do you know my little pony game on the phone?
— Roy (@CaeDios) July 24, 2023
me: yeah, i used to play that game before you were born
cousin: i used to watch my little pony back in the day
me: ..... what days?? you're 6
cousin: no, back when i was a tiny tiny baby not a adult
me: !?!?!?
21.
it takes a village to protect the children pic.twitter.com/kLBhmhLTeI
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 23, 2023
22.
Also unrelated but related, I have been banned from using delulu and rizz. This is good because I didn’t want to.
— Jo Luehmann (@JoLuehmann) September 9, 2023
23.
Me to my husband: "Don't worry, he's only 2, he'll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don't bring it up."
— Amy Colleen (@sewistwrites) August 24, 2023
My 2yo: "Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt"
24.
My finest parenting moment is when I sent my son to daycare in a jean jumpsuit and then at pickup, his shy teacher whispered “the jean jumpsuit was a sensation” and informed me that word had spread throughout the school and teachers were traveling from other classrooms to see it
— Kim Quindlen (@kimquindlen) July 28, 2023
25.
Halfway through my kid’s crazy complicated Subway order, the guy asked “Where you going with this sandwich, man?”
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) August 20, 2023
26.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 26, 2023
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
27.
postcard from child from camp pic.twitter.com/yOXRlIECfO
— flglmn (@flglmn) August 17, 2023
28.
Me: *eyelid twitching, trying to remain calm by reminding myself that it's a class for literal toddlers and nobody else notices*
— Robert Komaniecki (@Komaniecki_R) July 20, 2023
My wife, who is the only other person in the room that notices: pic.twitter.com/JcvicGBwJS
29.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) August 24, 2023
30.
So uh... My 7 year old and her therapist came out of their session. Her therapist says "[7] has something to tell you." She hemmed and hawed, tried to change the subject, and then confessed: she smuggled two tiny live frogs into therapy in a toy doctor kit.
— Katy Rex the Lizard Lady ❤️🦃 (@thekatyrex) July 25, 2023
31.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
— RandomSprint (@RandomSprint) June 24, 2023
In my 30s: That's called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
32.
For those wondering, he thought she meant Target’s toy section, but she said “imagine Target but with all the Toys ever made!”
— Tre (@trestewart_) July 16, 2023
The look on his face when he found out such a place existed… but he can’t go…
If you have a Time Machine, hit me up.
33.
My son asked me tonight before bed if “back rooms” were real and, if you are not currently a parent of a child who watches youtube you have no idea the mistake I made in saying yes.
— Hank Green (@hankgreen) August 6, 2023
34.
NO PEPPA PIG! THEYVE IGNORED IMPORTANT SAFETY REGULATIONS! pic.twitter.com/a1jTDiTmBi
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) July 6, 2023
35.
5 year old: Something happened in the kitchen.
— Laura (@laurawritesit) July 18, 2023
Husband: what was it?
5yo: A ghost was doing experiments.
Us: ................oh no
36.
As an end-of-summer treat, I told my 5yo he can stay up as late as he wants tonight. His regular bedtime is 7:30. It’s 7:50 and he’s outside swinging on his swing set telling me this is the best day ever. Will keep you posted on how long he makes it.
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) August 27, 2023
37.
I do not want to encourage my daughter to fixate on her appearance, but I do love when she dresses herself in the most chaotic outfit (strawberry dress, purple tutu, seagull leggings, bunny socks under rainbow sandals), then looks in the mirror and whispers “I look perfect.”
— Michelle Cyca (@michellecyca) July 14, 2023
38.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 8, 2023
39.
i hear the blender going in the kitchen. Only my 10 and 8 yo are awake. my wife is not home. i'm stuck on a conference call. oh no.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) August 9, 2023
40.
My 3-year-old was BEGGING me to buy her something at the store, and I usually don’t give in, but I did this time because it was only 99 cents and it was this bunch of scallions pic.twitter.com/KSZjAxN24i
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) July 25, 2023
41.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
— Frances Klein (@fklein907) July 14, 2023
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
42.
Honestly insane that you can be a kid but then grow up and live alone and have no one to be like “I threw up” to
— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) June 25, 2023
43.
Asked my 5-yo to clean her room multiple times today. She assured me she did. I went in: literally nothing had changed. “In what world,” I asked, “is this a clean room?”
— Katie Gutierrez (@katie_gutz) August 2, 2023
She looked me dead in the eye. “In a TRASH world.”
44.
My son is named my Eli.
— Jerome Adams (@JeromeAdamsMD) July 14, 2023
My golf instructor is named Eli.
I texted my son to tell him to take the dogs and the trash out.
My golf instructor then texted me, “is 1030 tomorrow okay?”
I fired back a not so nice message… 🤦🏽♂️
45.
my kid turned 15 seven minutes ago and the first thing he did was call his buddy, who is 4 days younger than him, and said "how does it feel to be 14, idiot?"
— Sen. Lemon Gogurt (I - Podcastia) (@Ugarles) July 19, 2023
46.
I just walked in my room to find my 8yr watching my tv. Before I could say anything, she holds her hand up and says “I just need to relax ok. You called my name SO many times today.”
— Tana Tana Chopper 🏴☠️ (@TanaIsBananas) August 10, 2023
Me: pic.twitter.com/8GWopo323d
47.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
— emily (@emilykmay) August 10, 2023
48.
My child is crying because her Pokémon are too weak and one thing nobody ever told me about parenting is how hard it is not to laugh at your children
— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) September 7, 2023
49.
In the car, everyone silent for 5 mins:
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) July 16, 2023
My three year old: What if there was a sheep that worked at a doctors office?
50.
PARENT PROTIP: Don't read that email from the school; save your energy for the follow-up with corrections they'll send in a few minutes.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) September 6, 2023
Don't miss the funniest tweets by parents last week...
32 Hilarious Parents Who Pulled Absolutely No Punches On Twitter
...or the funniest tweets by parents in 2023 (so far)!
50 Delightfully Hilarious Jokes By Parents Who REALLY Need A Break