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QUICK! Come Laugh At The 50 Most Hilarious Tweets Of All Time Before Twitter Becomes A Barren Wasteland

"Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog 'NO!' and then more quietly, 'We talked about this!'" —@NicCageMatch

It happened — Elon Musk is officially the CEO of Twitter. And in a completely unrelated coincidence, people are deactivating their Twitter accounts left and right, advertisers are threatening to leave the platform, and quite literally everyone is mad at Elon.

Twitter: @elonmusk

Twitter may be a mess, but it's also been home to some of this millennium's greatest comedians and shitposters. In their honor, I've compiled 50 of the funniest tweets of all time for you to enjoy — while you still can.

Twitter speaks to the inner masochist in all of us

Twitter: @elonmusk

Tell me your absolute favorite in the comments once you get through this Hall of Fame!

1.

Food $200 Data $150 Rent $800 Candles $3,600 Utility $150 someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

Twitter: @dril

2.

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don't Create The Torment Nexus

Twitter: @AlexBlechman

3.

If you're cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

Twitter: @mariana057

4.

You want me to get a husband???The thing that killed everyone on Dateline???

Twitter: @omgskr

5.

"Anybody here named Jeff?" Jeff: "Yes" Geoff: "Yeos"

Twitter: @mtobey

6.

what if you added the letters S and E to the X files hahha. it would be the X-ES Files. haha excess files. way too many files lmao

Twitter: @rad_milk

7.

adulthood is emailing "sorry for the delayed response!" back and forth until one of you dies

Twitter: @Marissa__Miller

8.

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

Twitter: @HeIsMaxBarth

9.

So today I was lookin at a girl bcuz she had a piece of lettuce in her hair & she looks at me and said "I have a boyfriend" ok lettuce head

Twitter: @Bentono10

10.

issuing correction on a previous post of mine, regarding the terror group ISIL. you do not, under any circumstances, "gotta hand it to them"

Twitter: @dril

11.

The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.

Twitter: @decentbirthday

12.

I am feel uncomfortable when we are not about me?

Twitter: @ProBirdRights

13.

me: *opens mouth to scream into the void* the void: sorry man we're full up me: what? the void: there's no more room. we're teeming with screams me: but— the void: we👏are👏at👏capacity👏sir. try a pillow.

Twitter: @tinyarmoredone

14.

There are TOO MANY KINDS OF SPIDERS. I'm sick of this shit.

Twitter: @PFTompkins

15.

Why, anxiety? I'm just sitting here.

Twitter: @marcmaron

16.

Every morning my 2 year old sits up in her bed and yells “HELP, I WOKE UP” and I think we can all relate

Twitter: @missmulrooney

17.

Inspiring! This CEO Saw One of His Employees Digging Through the Dumpster for Food, So He Bought Her a Headlamp to Make It Easier to Sift through the Garbage

Twitter: @gilbertjasono

18.

need new crush to distract me from old crush who replaced old old crush who i only crushed on to get over old old old crush

Twitter: @sosadtoday

19.

most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

Twitter: @skullmandible

20.

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

Twitter: @ch000ch

21.

at the gym i said subscription instead of membership and the girl replied with 'lol this isnt a pharmacy'. bitch thats a prescription were both stupid

Twitter: @ahahamina

22.

wow, my band "coldplay secret show" played a sold out gig tonight for four hundred very angry people

Twitter: @electrolemon

23.

me: can I get a bloody mary bartender: a what me: bloody mary bartender: a what me: bloody mary bartender: 😈 me: oh no

Twitter: @_elvishpresley_

24.

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

Twitter: @colingotjokes

25.

📍artists | _ _ _ _ _ _ | 📍useful | filenames | _ _ _ _ _ __| | 📍fdgsjddkjddhs.psd | 📍adafsadafas.sai | 📍hhhhh.psd | 📍lol.sai | 📍aaaaaaaa.clip | 📍im_going_to_die.psd | 📍finalfinalfinalversion copy 5.psd

Twitter: @oikvw

26.

me: goodnight moon :) moon: night<3 me: goodnight stars :) moon: wtf me: sry wrongnumber moon: whos stars moon: who is stars moon: answer me

Twitter: @jonnysun

27.

Men writing women characters: She was beautiful but didn’t know it. She was 5’7 and 101 pounds. Her feet were size 3. Her hat size was Infant. She’d never thrown up, even once. Her periods lasted 45 minutes. Her top was see-through.

Twitter: @clhubes

28.

IF U UNPLUG THE WIFI BOX FOR 1 SEC THE WHOLE HOUSE ACT LIKE THEY BOUT 2 DIE YOU'LL SEE PPL COME OUT ROOMS YOU ANIT NVR SEEN BEFORE

Twitter: @PluckDaGreat

29.

So pissed at whoever smoked pot in my mom’s garage. She just smelled it and flipped out. Not funny!!!! Told her if I catch them around here again I’ll beat their ass. Who would do this on Christmas Eve of all days??? Don’t worry, mom, I’m on the case.

Twitter: @samlymatters

30.

Imma start telling guys “I know a spot” and then drop them off at a therapist

Twitter: @Noorthevirgo

31.

liberal arts major: stem major: ugh im so JEALOUS of u like i WISH i could just read clifford the big red dog and make flower crowns but instead i gotta create the new ai algorithm for the robot amazon uses to beat workers when they faint lol but good luck finding a job lol jk ;)

Twitter: @jaboukie

32.

Remember. Kevin McCallister could have phoned the police at any time. He was a child who had accidentally been left alone. One call and he would have been safe. But it was never about safety. He was hunting those men. He wanted them to die. It was fun for him. He enjoyed it.

Twitter: @itrevormoore

33.

[At a bar] Guy: Did it hurt? Me: What? G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

Twitter: @elle91

34.

PETER PAN: we meet again, Captain Hook CAPTAIN HOOK: well well well-- wait u guys call me Hook? PETER PAN: yeah CAPTAIN HOOK: because of the hand? PETER PAN: ...i'm sorr- CAPTAIN HOOK: wow ok hey my dads dead too why not call me captain dead dad

Twitter: @jazz_inmypants

35.

I hate when my Touch ID doesn’t work on my phone like c’mon you already know it’s me with a little chicken tenders grease

Twitter: @TheDaltonHill

36.

my therapist: you’re a good person me: oh no I’ve tricked you too

Twitter: @ElyKreimendahl

37.

waiter, there's a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup

Twitter: @davedittell

38.

10pm at your parents’ house as an adult feels like 3am at your own apartment.

Twitter: @joshgondelman

39.

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

Twitter: @FattMernandez

40.

nobody: Apple photos: look at this picture of you + a person that gave you trauma

Twitter: @JalenAndFriends

41.

This is a terrible time to be named Brett Kavanagh

Twitter: @Brett_Kavanagh

42.

my 10 year old niece just said ‘my guess is if horseradish were alive, it would be non-binary’ and she is going to absolutely slay on twitter as soon as she’s old enough

Twitter: @_lanabelle

43.

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."

Twitter: @david8hughes

44.

My flight was delayed a few times, the pilot just got on and apologized and said “Don’t worry about the time folks we’re gonna fly this thing like we stole it.” 💀

Twitter: @DivaLaci

45.

united states mcflurry machine 🤝 not working for the people

Twitter: @adamgreattweet

46.

You know those Sex Houses, the little wooden houses with the hole for your dick that people hang in trees? Apparently those are for birds.

Twitter: @AndyRichter

47.

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"

Twitter: @NicCageMatch

48.

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

Twitter: @PeachCoffin

49.

me: [raises hand] my date: again, that's not necessary

Twitter: @ch000ch

50.

THE GREAT BRITISH BAKING SHOW SHOULD NOT START WITH 12 BAKERS IT SHOULD START WITH 13. A BAKERS DOZEN. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.

Twitter: @lizzzzzielogan

Make sure you follow everyone from this list on Twitter before Elon burns it to the ground!

What are your all-time favorite tweets? Drop them in the comments below! 🤳👇