It happened — Elon Musk is officially the CEO of Twitter. And in a completely unrelated coincidence, people are deactivating their Twitter accounts left and right, advertisers are threatening to leave the platform, and quite literally everyone is mad at Elon.
Comedy is now legal on Twitter
Twitter may be a mess, but it's also been home to some of this millennium's greatest comedians and shitposters. In their honor, I've compiled 50 of the funniest tweets of all time for you to enjoy — while you still can.
Twitter speaks to the inner masochist in all of us
Tell me your absolute favorite in the comments once you get through this Hall of Fame!
1.
Food $200 Data $150 Rent $800 Candles $3,600 Utility $150 someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
2.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don't Create The Torment Nexus
3.
If you're cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
4.
You want me to get a husband???The thing that killed everyone on Dateline???
5.
"Anybody here named Jeff?" Jeff: "Yes" Geoff: "Yeos"
6.
what if you added the letters S and E to the X files hahha. it would be the X-ES Files. haha excess files. way too many files lmao
7.
adulthood is emailing "sorry for the delayed response!" back and forth until one of you dies
8.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
9.
So today I was lookin at a girl bcuz she had a piece of lettuce in her hair & she looks at me and said "I have a boyfriend" ok lettuce head
10.
issuing correction on a previous post of mine, regarding the terror group ISIL. you do not, under any circumstances, "gotta hand it to them"
11.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
12.
I am feel uncomfortable when we are not about me?
13.
me: *opens mouth to scream into the void* the void: sorry man we're full up me: what? the void: there's no more room. we're teeming with screams me: but— the void: we👏are👏at👏capacity👏sir. try a pillow.
14.
There are TOO MANY KINDS OF SPIDERS. I'm sick of this shit.
15.
Why, anxiety? I'm just sitting here.
16.
Every morning my 2 year old sits up in her bed and yells “HELP, I WOKE UP” and I think we can all relate
17.
Inspiring! This CEO Saw One of His Employees Digging Through the Dumpster for Food, So He Bought Her a Headlamp to Make It Easier to Sift through the Garbage
18.
need new crush to distract me from old crush who replaced old old crush who i only crushed on to get over old old old crush
19.
most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
20.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
21.
at the gym i said subscription instead of membership and the girl replied with 'lol this isnt a pharmacy'. bitch thats a prescription were both stupid
22.
wow, my band "coldplay secret show" played a sold out gig tonight for four hundred very angry people
23.
me: can I get a bloody mary bartender: a what me: bloody mary bartender: a what me: bloody mary bartender: 😈 me: oh no
24.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
25.
📍artists | _ _ _ _ _ _ | 📍useful | filenames | _ _ _ _ _ __| | 📍fdgsjddkjddhs.psd | 📍adafsadafas.sai | 📍hhhhh.psd | 📍lol.sai | 📍aaaaaaaa.clip | 📍im_going_to_die.psd | 📍finalfinalfinalversion copy 5.psd
26.
me: goodnight moon :) moon: night<3 me: goodnight stars :) moon: wtf me: sry wrongnumber moon: whos stars moon: who is stars moon: answer me
27.
Men writing women characters: She was beautiful but didn’t know it. She was 5’7 and 101 pounds. Her feet were size 3. Her hat size was Infant. She’d never thrown up, even once. Her periods lasted 45 minutes. Her top was see-through.
28.
IF U UNPLUG THE WIFI BOX FOR 1 SEC THE WHOLE HOUSE ACT LIKE THEY BOUT 2 DIE YOU'LL SEE PPL COME OUT ROOMS YOU ANIT NVR SEEN BEFORE
29.
So pissed at whoever smoked pot in my mom’s garage. She just smelled it and flipped out. Not funny!!!! Told her if I catch them around here again I’ll beat their ass. Who would do this on Christmas Eve of all days??? Don’t worry, mom, I’m on the case.
30.
Imma start telling guys “I know a spot” and then drop them off at a therapist
31.
liberal arts major: stem major: ugh im so JEALOUS of u like i WISH i could just read clifford the big red dog and make flower crowns but instead i gotta create the new ai algorithm for the robot amazon uses to beat workers when they faint lol but good luck finding a job lol jk ;)
32.
Remember. Kevin McCallister could have phoned the police at any time. He was a child who had accidentally been left alone. One call and he would have been safe. But it was never about safety. He was hunting those men. He wanted them to die. It was fun for him. He enjoyed it.
33.
[At a bar] Guy: Did it hurt? Me: What? G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
34.
PETER PAN: we meet again, Captain Hook CAPTAIN HOOK: well well well-- wait u guys call me Hook? PETER PAN: yeah CAPTAIN HOOK: because of the hand? PETER PAN: ...i'm sorr- CAPTAIN HOOK: wow ok hey my dads dead too why not call me captain dead dad
35.
I hate when my Touch ID doesn’t work on my phone like c’mon you already know it’s me with a little chicken tenders grease
36.
my therapist: you’re a good person me: oh no I’ve tricked you too
37.
waiter, there's a reflection of a sad and lonely man in my soup
38.
10pm at your parents’ house as an adult feels like 3am at your own apartment.
39.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
40.
nobody: Apple photos: look at this picture of you + a person that gave you trauma
41.
This is a terrible time to be named Brett Kavanagh
42.
my 10 year old niece just said ‘my guess is if horseradish were alive, it would be non-binary’ and she is going to absolutely slay on twitter as soon as she’s old enough
43.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
44.
My flight was delayed a few times, the pilot just got on and apologized and said “Don’t worry about the time folks we’re gonna fly this thing like we stole it.” 💀
45.
united states mcflurry machine 🤝 not working for the people
46.
You know those Sex Houses, the little wooden houses with the hole for your dick that people hang in trees? Apparently those are for birds.
47.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
48.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
49.
me: [raises hand] my date: again, that's not necessary
50.
THE GREAT BRITISH BAKING SHOW SHOULD NOT START WITH 12 BAKERS IT SHOULD START WITH 13. A BAKERS DOZEN. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK.