Flirting With Frightfully Incorrect French

William Alexander has always wanted to be French. One petite problem: He can’t actually speak French. But he has picked up on some French phrases gone wrong during his endeavors as a Francophile. As it turns out, you might not be saying what you think you're saying...

“Je suis fini!”

Memphis CVB / Via Flickr: ilovememphis

You might think you’ve said, “I’m finished,” because, well, that’s the literal translation of Je suis finis. But...

What you really said is, “I’m dead.”

David Masters / Via Flickr: davidmasters

The correct French for I’ve finished is J’ai finis — literally, “I have finished.”

“Avez-vous des préservatifs?”

Pete / Via Flickr: comedynose

You might think you've said, "Do you have any jam?" But...

What you really said is, “Do you have any condoms?”

Rorro Navia / Via Flickr: rorrororro

Not to worry. In France, both are often available at breakfast. JK.

“Il est sale?”

Kevin Dooley / Via Flickr: pagedooley

You might think you’ve said, “Is it on sale?” But...

What you really said is, “Is it dirty?”

Steven Depolo / Via Flickr: stevendepolo

"J'aime voler"

Aero Icarus / Via Flickr: aero_icarus

You might think you've said, "I like to fly." But...

What you really said is, “I like to steal.”

VBC17 / Via Flickr: vbcgraffiti

Or "I like to fly." (Since French uses the same verb for “to fly” and “to steal” the intended meaning is left to the listener.)

“Avez-vous un basket?”

Matt MacGillivray / Via Flickr: qmnonic

You might think you’ve said, “Do you have a basket?” to put your groceries in. But...

What you really asked is to put your groceries in a sneaker.

Joe Hastings / Via Flickr: joehastings

Hope you get a clean one!

“Garçon!”

Tommy Ga-Ken Wan / Via Flickr: tgkw

You might think you’ve said, “Waiter!” But...

What you really said is, “Boy!”

Graham Crumb / Via Flickr: imagicity

Thus signaling that you are a typically witless, obnoxious American who learned French from Lucille Ball reruns, and who should have no expectations of ever seeing said waiter again — until he brings the inflated check.

William Alexander chronicles his whole-hearted attempts to learn French in his new book Flirting with French. Oh mon dieu!