1. What is this feeling?
2. Oh, it's pain.
3. Namely, the pain of cramps.
4. What the hell? I just took some pills four hours ago!
5. Okay maybe six hours ago.
6. No, no, I woke up in the middle of the night to waddle over to the bathroom and take another pill so the pain wouldn't keep me awake, it was eight hours ago.
7. Well, that explains it.
8. I gotta start setting alarms or something so I can time this shit out better because fuck this nonsense is why.
9. For once in my life, I have a few ibuprofen in my purse!
10. Thank you, Period Jesus.
11. Now I just have to wait for them to take effect. Mid-cramp. This should be fun.
12. I have to poop.
13. I just pooped and I still have to poop.
14. What is it about cramps that makes you have to poop so much?
15. OK, I just googled it and apparently there's a real science reason for that.
16. Huh. Weird.
17. How much time has there been since I took those pills? It's got to be at least 20 minutes.
18. Five. It's been five minutes.
19. This shit's supposed to be "fast acting," how fast can it possibly act if I've been sitting here with a knife in my guts for FIVE WHOLE MINUTES?
20. What will happen if I do a yoga pose right now. Will anyone notice?
21. Everyone will notice.
22. What about just curling into the fetal position and letting silent tears drip artfully down my cheek?
23. Everyone. Will. Notice.
24. You know who I fucking hate?
25. People who are like "I exercise to get rid of my cramps."
26. Literally what is wrong with you, that's humanly impossible.
27. I could no more get on a treadmill right now than could I climb Mount Fucking Kilimanjaro.
28. That said, I would run a goddamn marathon if it meant these CRAMPS WOULD GO AWAY AGHHH.
29. HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN?
30. OH PILLS, YOU "FAST-ACTING" LIAR.
31. THEY SHOULD CALL YOU SLOW-ACTING BECAUSE YOU ACT REAL SLOW.
32. Seven minutes. It's been seven minutes.
33. This is getting desperate.
34. I'm just going to change my seating position every thirteen seconds until I find one that doesn't make me want to excise my uterus from my body.
37. And....this isn't working.
38. Is it weird if I cry? What if I just cry until the pills kick in, is that juvenile?
39. It might happen regardless.
40. Why did I wait so long to take a pill?
41. Why didn't I just grind these pills up into all of my beverages and meals so it was impossible for me to really skip one?
42. How much longer is this going to take?
43. I can't work! I can't talk! I can't do anything except squirm and make angry faces at everyone who tries to make eye contact with me.
44. THIRTY MINUTES. IT'S BEEN THIRTY MINUTES.
45. I'm never, ever forgetting to overlap my pills ever again.
47. This is just too much.
48. I have no pain tolerance.
49. Actually, I think I have a pretty good pain tolerance.
50. Am I becoming more tolerant to this pain?
51. Nope, that's just the pills kicking in.
52. Welp, back to business as usual.
53. Time to be a person again.
54. No one will ever know the private war that just occurred inside of me.
55. Ibuprofen is the nectar of the gods.