1. Hey whatcha looking at?
2. Oh, a video. Cool.
3. Videos are cool.
4. But who's that weirdo —
5. Is that ME?
6. That can't be me.
7. I don't look anything like that.
8. Why didn't anyone tell me my hair was sticking up?
9. Or that I had something in my teeth?
10. I swear I'm much better looking in person.
11. Oh god, I'm a monster.
12. If this is what I really look like, my mirror has been lying to me my whole life.
13. I'm going to leave my entire world behind and crawl into a Himalayan cave to live out my life in hermitage.
14. Because I look ridiculous and always have.
15. Look how I MOVE.
16. I look so goofy.
17. I'm Goofy. That's it. That's the problem. I am Goofy.
18. My son is Max and we don't know who my wife is.
19. The movie about our father-son relationship is an underrated Disney classic.
20. Literally my entire face is wrong in this video.
21. I part my hair on the wrong side.
22. Well it could be worse.
23. At least I'm not talking, that would be the wo-
24. OH MY GOD IS THAT WHAT I SOUND LIKE.
25. No it's not.
26. The audio quality of your phone is AWFUL.
27. You should get a Samsung because fuck your speakers is why.
28. I sound so squeaky!
29. What happened to my voice?
30. My cool, normal voice that I hear every time I talk is nowhere to be found.
31. This mystery video person has the voice of a thirteen year old.
32. The fact that Morgan Freeman exists and I sound like a tween is unfair.
33. We live in an unjust and unequal world and wow, this is a really long video.
34. Seriously can you turn it off?
35. I'm not going to ask you to do that out loud because that would be rude but if you turned out to be a mind-reader I wouldn't be mad.
36. Even if it means you've been reading my mind this whole time.
37. Turn it offffffff.
38. It's not working. Worst secret mind-reader ever.
39. I'm going to have to smile and fake-laugh my way through another forty-seven seconds of me cutting my cousin's birthday cake because you don't have the wherewithal to realize when enough is enough.
40. Why am I even friends with you?
41. Why are you even friends with me?
42. What with my backwards mirror-face and my baby voice.
43. I better start planning my trip to the Himalayas.
44. I hear airfare is cheaper on Wednesdays.
45. Maybe I could take the plane to the middle of the country and take a train to-
46. Wait a minute.
47. Go back to that part.
48. Check me out when the light hits my face just right!
49. I look good!
50. I'm so cute I can't even stand it!
51. Hold on a sec, let me tag myself...