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If The World Of "Game Of Thrones" Were A Matriarchy

Season 1 would be very, very different.

First of all, if Game of Thrones took place in a matriarchal society, then none of the show's events would ever have happened.

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Mainly because Lyanna Stark's sexual agency in choosing Rhaegar Targaryen over Robert Baratheon would have been respected and Robert wouldn't have the backing to go to war over his hurt fee-fees. But we digress.

Our show opens on Catelyn Stark, Lady of Winterfell, teaching her eldest daughter and heir Sansa the noble and respected art of needlework.

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"Where is Arya?" asks Sansa.

"Probably with the weapon master, sullying her god-given femininity with swordfights and other brainless work," replies Catelyn.


Hark! Catelyn's husband, Eddard, returns from the hunt with gifts for his daughters. They are to receive direwolf puppies, the care of which will prepare them for divine motherhood.

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There are some puppies left over for Catelyn's boy-children, but they have to pick last.

A page brings Lady Catelyn news that her old friend Queen Cersei is coming to Winterfell with her husband, Bob the Royal Consort.

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Catelyn wonders silently why Cersei has not yet divorced Bob, seeing as the right of a wife to dispute and terminate a marriage as long as she gives notice and reason is written in the creed of the Seven Kingdoms.

Queen Cersei arrives and offers Catelyn a job in Queen's Landing. As Hand of the Queen, Catelyn will receive a full salary, starting bonus, dental care, and paid maternity leave for as long as she maintains the position.

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The former hand, Lysa Arryn, decided to move away from the city to care for her sick son, a career sacrifice that everyone understands and respects.

One night, Bran catches Queen Cersei in bed with Ser Jaimie. Bran understands exactly what is going on, as sex education is mandatory for everyone in the Seven Kingdoms.

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He recognizes the value of maintaining the queen's privacy and apologizes.

Nobody pushes him out of any windows, ever, for the rest of his life.

Meanwhile, across the Narrow Sea, Daenerys Targaryen and her brother, Viserys, are preparing for Dany's wedding to Khal Drogo, a man she has met many times and with whom she enjoys obvious romantic and sexual compatibility.

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While Khal Drogo hails from a nation that has different cultural standards than Daenerys, they resolve to love and understand each other as well as they can.

Back in Queen's Landing, Cersei and Catelyn gently encourage their heirs to spend time together, in the hope that an organic partnership may arise between their two houses.

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Fortunately, Sansa is institutionally empowered to recognize the signs of violent sociopathy and rejects any notion of a union with Joffrey.

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She stages an intervention with Joffrey's family and lays out a solid case for having him remanded to a mental health care facility; empathy and cooperation are woven into the behavioral and social standards of the kingdom.

Arya convinces Catelyn that her unconventional interest in swordfighting isn't a rejection of femininity, and Catelyn hires none other than Brienne of Tarth, lady commander of the Queensguard, to teach her how to fight.

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Back at Winterfell, Ned receives a disturbing letter and travels to Queen's Landing in secret. While on the Queensroad, he makes sure to be at an inn by sundown, because traveling at night is unsafe for a man of any rank.

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He has been taught this by his father, whose father taught him, and so on and so forth.

Ned and Catelyn discover that Queen Cersei's children are all products of her incest with her brother Jaimie, which in the context of more than 300 years of sibling incest in the royal tradition is not that weird.

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Because it is Cersei's blood that matters and not Bob's, the children remain in line for the throne. Myrcella is named Crown Princess following Joffrey's medical abdication of duty.

While returning to Winterfell, Ned Stark runs into Tyrion Lannister. They catch up over a glass of wine and talk about their swords or their boots or whatever it is men talk about. Nobody captures anybody.

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"Ned, I'm going to the bathroom. Can you watch my bag?"

"Oh, let me come with you — I have to pee too."

Bran is fine, Sansa isn't a hostage, Queen Cersei remains in power, Bob gets to do Bob stuff, Ned Stark lives, and there is relative peace in the Seven Kingdoms. Go figure.

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