1. Mobile phones:
I can't see this going wrong at all. Nope. Not even one little bit.
2. Cheese:
SCIENCE HAS A LOT TO ANSWER FOR.
3. Bowel movements:
FIVE DOLLARS for a single poo?!!! FIVE DOLLARS FOR A PISS!!!
4. Clothes:
Dressing in regular clothing is just SO un-American.
5. Alphabetical order:
"Fuck the rest of the world, we're the most important and we're going first." – America.
6. Ice cream:
Made with real bald eagle!
7. Nipples:
Why name them this?
8. Faces:
HOW CAN ONE MAN HAVE ALL THE EXPRESSIONS ALL AT ONCE?
9. Christmas:
What's Santa doing when he's not delivering presents? Dressing up as G.I. Joe and shooting a shit-ton of ducks, apparently.
10. Butter:
Why? No. No. Why?
11. Irony:
Too much.
12. Both doughnuts AND burgers:
They're even GLAZED ffs.
13. Memes:
Daaaamn America, back at it again with the taking a great joke and turning it into rampant capitalism.
14. Diamonds:
This just doesn't make any sense.
15. Politics:
This one isn't actually funny.
16. Soda:
"Gosh, I'm parched. I could really do with a lovely, refreshing glass of artificial bacon soda," said literally no one ever.
17. Housing:
This person wasn't allowed to fly the flag in their front garden, so they did...this.
18. Dates:
America, getting stuff wrong since 1776!
19. Bacon:
Because cooking in a pan just isn't macho enough.
20. Pizza:
This isn't how food is supposed to work.
21. Money:
God damnit.
22. Health:
Each colour counts as one of your five-a-day!
23. Cars:
24. The concept of size:
No one needs this.
25. Beer:
"How should we arrange all this beer, Dave?"
"Leave it with me, I've got a fucking awesome plan..."
26. Tea:
For when your afternoon drink just isn't shooty enough.
27. Just EVERYTHING.
You guys gotta chill.
