A new survey revealed that prenups are becoming more and more common. In 2010, about 3% of adults agreed on which assets would remain theirs if they were to split from their partner, but in 2022, that number has shot up to about 15%. However, as these discussions happen more often, one can expect that arguments over them do as well.
Recently, I was scrolling through the Relationship Advice subreddit — where people go to seek an unbiased opinion about a struggle they and their significant other are having — and found this story by u/throwRA_southparking, whose fiancé refuses to sign a prenup.
Here's the story, as told by u/throwRA_southparking, who we'll call SP for short: "I make around $250k a year, and my fiancé makes around $65k a year. We've both been divorced. I asked for a prenup to protect my existing assets, which includes two rental properties (worth around $400k together), my retirement account, my house which I live in, my existing savings account, and just sentimental things. I offered to pay for a lawyer for her, and make anything earned AFTER the wedding fair game in a divorce split."
"In my previous divorce, my ex took a lot that I had before we ever even met each other, and she took a lot of things with sentimental value just to hurt me, [so asking for a prenup this time was important to me]."
"I floated the idea of a prenup and my fiancé was not OK with it," SP said. "It hurt her feelings, and she said I was planning for a divorce if I want a prenup."
"She had this idea that when we marry everything becomes ours. We've been dating for four years, and had very few bumps so I don't see a super high risk of divorce but I do acknowledge it's there. Anyways, I love her, and I said sure."
"Fast-forward a couple months, and her grandmother abruptly died," SP continued. "Apparently her grandmother left her entire estate to her — worth roughly $800k. Now, the tables have turned and she wants a prenup protecting these assets from me, which I was fine with, but she doesn't want to sign my prenup in return for that."
"Her reasoning is that her grandmother wouldn't have wanted her wealth to 'leave her direct family' and that there's 'a reason it was left all to me and not my siblings or parents,'" SP explained. "She also said that the prenup must not have been important to me because I threw out the idea after minimal pushback."
"I'm at a loss here," SP said. "In one regard, I'm glad we had prenup discussions because it brought out these sides of us, but I'm really wondering if this four-year relationship that has been full of nothing but love and support for each other until now is even salvageable. She's not willing to budge on her OWN prenup like I was, and I'm finding this whole situation very frustrating."
WHEW. After hearing about SP's experience, over a thousand people weighed in with their opinions — which largely favored his side of the argument. First and foremost, most agreed that SP's fiancé would have to compromise in one way or another.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length/clarity.
"A compromise will definitely be needed from you fiancé," user u/Designer-Memory said. "Don't budge on your prenup. It's reasonable. She should understand where you're coming from, especially since she seems to feel the same about protecting important assets. If there's hostility because of the prenups, it's definitely worth waiting until it's resolved before moving ahead with the wedding."
Especially because many felt as though SP's wife was acting hypocritically by refusing to sign his prenup but asking for her own.
"This is blatant hypocrisy. I almost never say this, but it is line-in-the-sand time. Either you both sign, or no one does. That’s that," u/Herald_Of_Nothing said.
"It's a major red flag that she wants to protect her stuff from him but doesn't feel that he has a right to protect his stuff from her. You can't have it both ways," u/DJDrizzleDazzle agreed.
And some even felt as though it was a bit manipulative for her to guilt him out of initially wanting the prenup, despite her harboring the same feelings.
"Her saying 'you're planning for divorce' mentality is twisted," u/dazzling_penguin said. "Yes, you are preparing, because you can't see into the future and it's ridiculous to take a blind leap into potentially losing half, or more, of your shit. I wouldn't want someone I love and care for taking that risk, even if it's protecting themselves against future me. But yeah, her reasons are just as valid as your own."
A few commenters pointed out SP's offer to pay for his fiancé's lawyer, and they agreed that drawing up prenups would be beneficial for both, and that her refusal to sign may signal a necessary end to the relationship.
"Have an attorney draft a single document protecting the assets of both, then sign it. Leave the ball in her court. If she signs, then great. If not, then consider that she's not interested in an equitable partnership in business or life, and think about walking away," an anonymous user said.
Basically, they think his fiancé is a walking red flag.
"Honestly that’s really sketchy and maybe her reluctance to sign your prenup was with malice if she’s suddenly acting this way," u/sizzlingtofu said.
"I think your offer was more than reasonably fair. You keep yours, she keeps hers. Sign it and move on. You’ve both been divorced before so she should understand that anything can happen and it’s better to plan ahead."
Though there's no update on the post, SP did jump in to say that he's consulted a lawyer, and their advice was that he move on from the relationship.
"Yeah, my lawyer doesn't seem to think it's a good idea at all, to the point he actually thinks her prenup would be invalidated based on how much BS it is," SP said. "His advice was to not marry."