I live for mess and if you clicked on this post, that means we're two souls of the same nature 'cause you're messy, too. So, speaking of mess, I recently came across quite the story on Reddit's "Am I the Asshole?" subreddit page, where one mom asked whether or not she'd be an asshole for attending her youngest daughter's wedding.
Here's the story, as told by the mom, aka, u/mommyinthemud: "My younger daughter (Hayleigh, 28F) is marrying my older daughter (Jennifer, 30F)'s ex-fiancé (Sam). Jennifer is mad at me because I'm going to Hayleigh's wedding. She says that 'I'm condoning her bad sister's behavior as always,' but that's simply not true."
"When the wedding was called off and we found that it was because Sam and Hayleigh were dating, I called Hayleigh immediately and I asked her to rethink the relationship," she continued. "Not only for her sister's sake, but also because 'if he could do it once, he could do it twice' and I didn't want her to get hurt. She reassured me that this wasn't the case – that they were meant for each other and had known this for a long time, so I left it at that."
"I spoke to Sam, too. He apologized for any hurt he may have caused, but said that it wouldn't be fair to marry Jennifer when deep in his heart he knew that he was in love with Hayleigh. They've officially been together for a little over a year now and they truly seem happy and in love."
"My husband is supporting Jennifer. He's disgusted with the whole situation and doesn't want anything to do with it. At one point he announced that he wouldn't be giving Sam his blessing or walking Hayleigh down the aisle."
"I don't like what this household has become. This is the first Christmas we haven't spent together as a whole family. I don't like the situation anymore than my husband or Jennifer do, but they don't understand that ignoring the reality of it doesn't make it go away."
"When he said that he wasn't walking Hayleigh down the aisle, she was devastated. I asked my husband if he was willing to risk his relationship with Hayleigh by not walking her down the aisle. Jennifer accused me of trying to twist him to my side."
"I told Jennifer that it's not about sides, it's about learning how to forgive. I've told her that it's been over a year now since her and Sam broke up, and she's been bitterly jumping from relationship to relationship because she's so focused on Hayleigh and Sam, and that if she never learns to forgive them, she'll never be at peace."
OOP.
"She says that I don't understand that Hayleigh purposely stole Sam from her, and that she's been doing this since they were kids and I never noticed. I told her that she should have told me then. She said that I should've been paying closer attention and noticed it. I told her that she had to learn to let go of certain things in the past in order to move forward and that if Hayleigh did steal Sam, as she claimed, then Hayleigh did her a favor. She didn't want to hear that, but it needed to be said."
"Finally, she said if I go to the wedding, it means Hayleigh was my favorite child all along and that she'll never speak to me again.
I told her that I'm going to the wedding, just as I would've gone to hers if she was in that situation. She said okay and hung up. Later, my husband calls me from work telling me she called him crying...Would I be an asshole if I go to my younger daughter's wedding?"
Bruh.
Though the responses were wide-ranging, the overall consensus is that the mom is, indeed, an asshole, and for a plethora of reasons. First, for acting as though loving Hayleigh means that she must also support her actions:
"You're the asshole," one user responded. "Let me preface by saying that I sort of understand your perspective. You love both your daughters, you want them to be happy, you want to support them. It's hard to navigate things when there's a rift in a family like this. But, what it comes down to is that Jennifer was betrayed by her fiancé and sister. That is a pain that one cannot just 'learn to forgive,' through. You need to support Jennifer and make it clear that, while you support and love Hayleigh, you do not love and support the pain she caused Jennifer."
"As a mom you can (and should) love and support Hayley as your daughter, but that doesn't mean condoning a relationship. She needs to learn there are consequences to such incredibly cruel behavior, one of which should be she doesn't get her dream wedding with universal acceptance."
Other users feel as though the mom is too focussed on getting her family back together, and is putting the blame on her eldest daughter for not forgiving the youngest, instead of blaming the youngest daughter for blowing things up in the first place:
"You're the asshole. You are so desperate to have your picture perfect family back together, that you’re sweeping Hayleigh and Sam’s betrayal under the rug.
You don’t actually care about your older daughter, at all. You don’t want her to be at peace. You just want her to take all of this lying down so you can play happy family again as soon as possible.
Jennifer is not the one who blew up the family. It was Hayleigh who did that. But I don’t see you assigning any blame to her. You’re still blaming Jennifer even though she did nothing."
"Honestly? You said, 'They don’t understand that ignoring the reality of it doesn’t make it go away.' Ma’am, it sounds like YOU don’t understand that. That’s exactly what you’re telling Jennifer to do, ignore the whole thing.
She doesn’t owe anyone forgiveness. It’s her pain and you don’t get to tell her how to feel about it and what will bring her peace, that’s not how it works and you’re more than old enough to know that. Do what you want lady, but stop denying that Hayleigh is your favorite. You’re putting more pressure on Jennifer to be the 'bigger person' when Hayleigh was the one in the wrong. You said, 'Nothing I say will convince her otherwise' but why doesn’t Jennifer get the same energy? Notice how you’re not making loopholes for her? You're the asshole."
And others are concerned that by not acknowledging her eldest daughter's pain, she may have severed their relationship forever.
"You're the asshole. Your daughter breaks up your older daughter's relationship by cheating and you support her over your betrayed daughter? She is the victim here and you're telling her they did her a favor and get over it and be nice? Don't be surprised if you lose her relationship for good. Sounds like you've already lost her respect and love. So glad at least her father is there for her."
What do you think? Would the mom be an asshole for attending the wedding? Are only the youngest sister and fiancé in the wrong? Let me know your thoughts in the comments, plus vote below!
Share This Article
