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What To Expect When You're A Woman And You Go To The Bar Alone

Going to the bar alone, as a woman, can be the greatest or worst night, ever. Here's what to expect.

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Now order that first drink, girl!

The bartender will probably notice you sit down and want to know how many people are meeting you up there. You smile, confidently, and let her know it's just you. Then you get to tell her what you're drinking.

"What, no friends?"

You've been here for 3 minutes, hardly had a sip of your first drink, and some smart-ass that's noticed you're alone has an insatiable desire to know WHY you're here by yourself.

You'll tell him, "They all work in the morning", or "Just out with myself tonight".

He'll think you're a total weirdo, or he'll say something like, "Well, that's a shame, a perty-little-thang like you deserves to be taken out".

NOT the point dude... thanks for projecting your personal, patriarchal values onto my night though....

Someone will feel the need to comment on your food order

You're definitely going to get one of two responses. If you're lucky, you'll get hit with both,

"I like me a healthy-eater" : Umm, then get a cow. I'm not eating this to turn you on. I'm eating this because I'm hungry and it's fucking good. Now stop staring at me so I can wipe this cheese sauce off my face without you dropping your jaw, you cave-animal.

*blank stare and look away*: IDGAF if it grosses you out that I'm eating this right now. I'm hungry and I ordered what I wanted and who are you to scoff at my dietary choices. (This person is probably drinking a MicUltra - you didn't want to hang out with them anyway)

Someone will want to buy you a drink

You have one of two choices: "Yes" or "No".

If you want to say "No", you do and they're butt-hurt but you DGAF, you didn't come here to please strangers.

If you say "Yes", you get a free drink. This can be a good thing, or a very, very bad thing. You're already at the bar, you watch the bartender make the drink, you know you're not being drugged, but it seems silly that someone would just want to buy you a drink without anything in return, right?

Damn it, now they want to talk.

You took the free drink and now this person is demanding all sorts of answers:

"You live around here?"

"What was your major?"

"What do you do?"

"Where'd you grow up?"

Woah! Pump the breaks, buddy. Getting a little personal don't you think? You'll give a few short answers. They'll answer their own questions about themselves. Their name will be "Buzz", or something equally stupid. If you're lucky, you can just show them how uninterested you are, they'll get the hint, and wander away.

"Thanks for the drink, though!"

They aren't getting the hint...

If they don't get the hint right away, they won't get it at all. You'll have to tell them you're not interested and they are NOT going to be happy. Somehow that $2.50 Bud Light has turned into some kind of investment in you that they've made up in their head, and they feel you owe them something.

So what do you do? You tell them to "Fuck off". You don't owe them shit, and you tried to be polite. They're the one crossing a line here. If they doesn't leave you alone, switch seats to the other side of the bar. You won't give them a choice then, and if they follow you, the bartender will know something is not quite right.

Hint: Having the bartender on your side is the greatest, ever. They'll pour your drinks strong and they get to tell the bouncer who's "gotta go".

Potty Break.

You've had a few drinks, time to go. When you're out with your squad, this becomes a whole ordeal. Tonight, you get to walk straight in, pee, fix your face, give yourself the "You look good, girl!" pep-talk, and head back to the bar.

Your JAM comes on

On your way back from the ladies' room, your song comes on. You shake it a little whilst walking back to the bar, and give a little extra shimmy and wiggle for your favorite verse. Get it, Girl!

Then, it happens....

You feel someone grab your hips

They're behind you, so you have no clue who it is. They've grabbed onto you and they're obviously feeling the song (and you). You know you don't know them, because you came alone.

Guess what? NO. You didn't come to this bar to have some rando grabbing onto you. You spin around and spit, "Did I ask you to touch me!?" They'll give you the deer-in-the-headlights look and you'll be free to return to your seat at the bar, AS INTENDED.

Someone saw that whole thing, and is laughing with you about it.

They saw that weirdo grab you, they saw you throw mad-sass, and they're totally on your side. They probably high-fived you when you sat back down and the two of you will become bar-buddies over drinks and the common understanding of manners and personal space. Yay!

You'll sit and talk with this person for a while. Swapping awkward/ridiculous bar stories will be your entertainment, now.

Time to head out

You'll close your tab, make sure you have everything jammed back in your purse, and head for the door. "Buzz" and his buddies will probably try to stop you on your way out. They want to know where you're going and if they can get your number. Nope. You'll just wave good-bye and head on out the door.

You're a grown-ass-independent-woman and you're taking yourself home. BYE.

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