Top 10 Reasons Why I Would Never Survive A Zombie Apocalypse

A lot of people think they'd be just fine; some even have a plan. I, on the other hand, know myself better.

1. Blood grosses me out.

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I can't even watch my own blood being drawn at the doctor's office without getting dizzy and queasy.

I'd spend 70% of my life trying (and probably failing miserably) to hold back barf.

2. Speaking of barf, what would I even eat?!

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All zombie apocalypse movies have that one scene (or entire movie) where someone is desperate for their favorite food that used to be easily available.

I'd never make it without crunchy Cheetos, caprese salad, or the convenience of fast food. Who has time to cook delicious, hot meals when there's an apocalypse happening, anyway?! No one. That's who. And that is not a world I want to be a part of.

3. I imagine it requires quite a bit of cardio.

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And I AM NOT equipped for that. They say, "You just have to be faster than the slowest person you're running with". I'm that person. My endurance is shit and I'm not about to start the cardio game now, just in case there might be zombies chasing me in the future. No man, alive or dead, is going to make me run.

4. Showers are waaaaaaay too important to me.

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For whatever reason, I'm sure there would be a lack of running water and that is NOT going to fly for me.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe houses would still have running water?

That would not matter to me. I am not going to be able to relax and take a bath or even a long, hot shower if there is ANY chance that some gnarly zombie is going to sneak up on me, creepy-dead style, and eat me when I'm feeling most vulnerable.

And if I can't shower, I basically can't function. I'd be a goner.

5. What I wear (kinda) matters to me.

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I'm not your typical, trendy 20-something. I've been known to wear the same jeans for too many days in a row and my favorite outfit consists of a hunter-orange sweatshirt and fish-printed chef pants. But, wearing (and sweating in) the same clothes for GOD KNOWS HOW LONG because I'm in the middle of nowhere hiding from dead people that want to eat me - not cool.

Even less cool: wearing/sweating in a hazmat suit forever waiting on some kind of cure? Not going to happen. Those things are NOT flattering. IDGAF what you say, orange is NOT the new black.

6. It's a lot of time spent with the same few people.

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If I'm lucky, I'll have a few people who would be way better at the whole zombie-killing/avoiding thing than I am. Unfortunately, if I spend too much time with ANY person (including my best friends), I'm likely to turn into a psycho-bitch/kill them.

It wouldn't be anything personal; I just need alone time and alone time is not an option for surviving a zombie apocalypse. So, my group would probably just kill me or use me for zombie-bait because my bellyaching, bitching, and passive-aggression would drive them INSANE.

And I realize that it would be silly to tie me to train tracks; I know there's no trains running. That doesn't matter. Zombies would find me. They'd smell me, they'd track me down, and they'd eat me.

7. Accurate/proper weapon use is not a skill of mine.

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Let's just say my group does allow me to live and roam with them. They're probably going to want me to pull my own weight: totally understandable. One problem: I've never even held a gun. I can't aim for shit. I'm weaker than the average. I would go so far as to say that I'm "athletically challenged".

Guns would be out. Knives? Out. Sword?! Out. Crossbow? Out.

My only saving grace would be finding hand grenades. Every time I try to toss something into the garbage, I miss, but I usually get kinda close. Kinda close is close enough with hand grenades. No hand grenades available? I'm SOL, and you are too if you let me tag along with you.

8. I'm terrible with directions.

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Directions have never been my strong suit; I get lost everywhere I go. I lost my own car in a convenience store parking lot. I would be left behind in a second.

My group would be meet back up at "the northeast corner of the 4th floor", wait on me for too long, assume I'd been eaten, and leave without me.

Meanwhile, I'd be wandering around the 2nd floor (which I would mistake for the 4th floor because I'd lose count on the stairs) trying to figure out which effing corner was supposed to be "northeast" and swearing at myself for never learning how to use a compass.

I'd be on my own from there and we know how well that would go...

9. I hate clutter.

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Stockpiling would get super annoying.

"I don't care that we may not ever see tuna again. I am not finding more space for all of those cans. THAT'S TOO MUCH TUNA, DANIEL!"

Obviously, having an obscene amount of food and stuff would be the best way to survive for the long-haul. This is especially true if I'm hiding in some mountain cabin way far away from other people. This would probably NOT change my opinion on clutter though, and I'd be super annoyed with people bringing back cases of MORE stuff.

10. I'm too naive.

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I know it would be terrible if a zombie apocalypse were to happen.

I could start running to up my cardio, just to be safe. I could get a gun and take it to a shooting range for target practice, just to be safe. I could learn to use a compass, just to be safe. I could stockpile my groceries and learn to go weeks without showers or changing my clothes, just to be safe.

But I won't. I won't do any of those things. I'm just going to keep on keepin' on and hope to all things holy that I don't have to deal with an ACTUAL zombie apocalypse.

So here's to that!