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17 "Star Wars" Characters Explained By People Who've Never Seen The Movies

May the strength be with you. Is that the correct term?

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Alejandro Alba: I don't understand this character. Is he the one who inspired the Wookie language?

Tazz Uppin: I thought Chewbacca got his name because he chewed really loudly. His face is so silky. I wonder what shampoo he uses.

AA: I had a substitute teacher who claimed he knew how to speak Wookie. My co-worker occasionally will do it too. They sound like pigeons.

TU: He looks like an old-timey, kinder, sweeter King Kong. I hear good things about Wookies.

AA: I'm sure she's the princess everyone talks about.

TU: She seems like a low-key princess. How does she make her hair stay up like that, though?

AA: She looks like a badass, but wait, doesn't she engage in incest???

TU: Princess badass? Do those buns also double as headphones?

AA: Yeah, she totes hooked up with Luke who I think is her brother. People made a big deal out of it.

AA: OK, this guy looks fucking evil. But, like, I think I know he's the hero, but turns evil?

TU: Is Han Luke's father? I don't know. Maybe I should watch this.

AA: This universe is so confusing. He's Darth, isn't he? I mean, just look at all the shade he's throwing at Han.

TU: Skywalker is a cool last name.

AA: Yeah, like, did he get it from walking on the sky?

TU: If he's one of the good guys, I'll happily be Mrs. Tazz Skywalker.

AA: Oh, now I understand why I've been called Han Solo every time I wear my black vest over a white shirt.

TU: I know him as Indiana Jones.

AA: He looks like the cool uncle. You know, carefree, funny, and loves alcohol.

TU: Damn, he does look cool. Space President Indiana Jones to the rescue.

TU: Is he the Voldermort of Star Wars? It looks like he's saying "Avada Kedavra."

AA: Awwww, no! Everyone knows who Yoda is. He's the cute old green man. He's obviously good and wise.

TU: He's so not cute. He looks like ET's cousin. I guess he can be cool.

AA: Duh, he's good. The incredible Ewan McGregor is playing him.

TU: He looks like the kind of guy you'd take home to mom. But then again it is Ewan McGregor.

AA: He's the kinda guy who needs a name change.

TU: Also, does he sing in this movie? Because if so, I definitely want to watch it.

AA: OMG! Star Wars the Musical! Let's start writing the script.

AA: My cousin's dog is named Anakin.

TU: His name reminds me of Nagini from Harry Potter, and she was evil so Anakin must be too.

AA: You're making too many HP references, but yes, he's evil. He played Stephen Glass in Shattered Glass so he has to be the bad guy.

TU: He looks like the god of hell.

AA: WAIT! I think he's Darth Vader?!

AA: Duh, he's bad. He says, "Luke, I am your father." And he dresses in black.

TU: Hmmm, glow stick weaponry. Nice choice, Vader.

AA: What are those glow sticks called?

TU: Light sticks. It's like a rave party.

AA: Fair.

AA: She looks like some goddess. Do they have goddesses?

TU: Her outfit and hair make her look like a human satellite.

AA: I feel like she would have super powers as well.

TU: Yeah, she picks up signals from evil people and aliens.

AA: Oh, and fun fact, Keira Knightly played her double. See, I know some stuff about this franchise.

TU: Definitely a band name.

AA: This one is the popular robot. Not the gold one.

AA: I feel like he's useless. All robots are.

TU: No, he reminds me of Wall-E. "Wall-E, I am your father!"

AA: This one is the unpopular robot, who is also useless.

TU: I kinda like him.

AA: It's sad how he has no expression. Like, not even a resting bitch face.

TU: Maybe he's not that useless and he can turn things into gold.

AA: Is he possessed by a demon? I fear that his head might start turning and he'll projectile vomit.


AA: Another HP reference, but I kinda see this one.

TU: He supports Vader like Death Eaters support Voldermort!

AA: He's the demon who possessed Palpatine.

TU: WTF is this? He's Anakin's minion.

AA: Probably. Hold on, are those horns on the side of his head? What the actual fuck?

TU: He's badass; he's creating lightning from a light stick.

AA: I think he's fighting it. I have no idea who this is. Is he good? Bad? IDK!

AA: I honestly had no idea Samuel L. Jackson was in the Star Wars franchise.

TU: I didn't know Harrison Ford, Natalie Portman, Keira Knightley, Ewan McGregor, AND Liam Neeson were a part of this!

AA: OK, I know he's a badass because he rescues kidnapped girls.

TU: Liam Neeson? More like Liam Awesome! AMIRITE?!

AA: He's probably the one who saved the princess.

TU: He rescues either Leia or Natalie's character.

AA: He should be a good guy — he has a green light. Green generally means good.

AA: I know this because I've heard rude people use it as an insult.

TU: He looks like an evil monster, but is he? Is he bad or good?

AA: Does it matter? He's disgusting! I can't stare at it for long — it makes me feel weird.

TU: Does he live in a hut?

AA: Good question...

TU: I'd hang with Jar Jar Binks.

AA: Yeah, he looks like the dorky, funny yet loving best friend everyone should have.

TU: Ummhmm. Totally like a cool space dog.

AA: But better!