40 Questions We Have About Hogwarts Sex Ed

The Harry Potter series comes with one of the most thoroughly written worlds out there. But we still have some questions.

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1. At what age in their Hogwarts career do students go through sex ed?

2. Which professors are responsible for these lessons? Just the students' heads of house? Madam Pomfrey? Or do they bring in specialists?

3. What's the curriculum like? Do they still use the banana-and-condom presentation so well-known to so many teens?

4. Who's in charge of establishing said curriculum? Dumbledore? The school's board of governors? The Wizengamot? Or is it up to parents? Did Harry have to learn everything from Ron and Hermione because the Dursleys didn't know shit?

5. What's the wizarding stance on abstinence-only education? And how much do wizard parents yell about it?

6. How much of the curriculum is carried over from the days of the original Hogwarts founders? And what kind of MAJOR FUCKUPS has that caused?

7. Why did the girls get the speech about boys not being allowed up in their dormitories but not the boys? Can't horny girls or genderqueer students just sneak into the boys dormitories anytime they want?

8. What's menstruating in the wizarding world like?

9. Is there a spell to stop bleeding? Potions for cramps? A wizarding DivaCup-type thing that magics the blood away?

10. Is menstruation the most common use for Mrs. Scowers All-Purpose Magical Mess Remover? After all, the slogan is "No pain, no stain."

11. Do Muggle-borns sneak tampons into the castle?

12. Are there potions and spells to make the messy bits of puberty easier? Boner-cancelers? No-leak robes?

13. How does Hogwarts deal with trans or genderqueer students in regard to dorm placement? Is it like the Sorting Hat ceremony, where there's an element of choice?

14. Are there gender-neutral bathrooms? And on that note, where do the non-prefects bathe?

15. What's the process like for wizards seeking to transition? Is it simpler with spells and potions?

16. The books heavily imply that the wizarding world has a similar gender binary to the Muggle U.K., but are they more fluid about it because of their acknowledged existence of things like Metamorphmagi, Polyjuice potion, and a whole slew of other creatures/beings/ways to be?

17. Is mpreg a thing in the wizarding world?

18. What is wizarding birth control like? Spells? Potions? Barrier methods? Can you just cast a spell to sterilize yourself and then cast a reversal if you ever do want to conceive?

19. Are there special wizard condoms? What kind of tricks can they pull off? Can they vibrate? Are they made of things like fairy wing gossamer and dragon eyelid? Does Bertie Botts have a line of actually convincingly flavored condoms?

20. Do wizards have particularly nasty STIs? What's the treatment like for those?

21. And what's the protocol if a wizard gives one of those to a Muggle? How does the Statute of Secrecy play into getting them treatment for dragon dick or vaginal Spattergroit?

22. What was the wizarding world's relationship to the AIDS crisis? Were they seperatist or did they try and help?

23. If someone ingests Veritaserum before sex, can they still fake an orgasm?

24. Is there a wizard version of Viagra? And what's wizard lube like? Does it just shoot out of the end of wands?

25. What are abortions like in the wizarding world? Potion or a spell?

26. If a wizard is an Animagus and in their non-human form, can they consent?

27. If a wizard is an Animagus and in their non-human form, can other animals consent to sex with them? Could Peter Pettigrew have had a rat wife? If Sirius Black had made puppies while in his dog form, would those puppies then be half-wizard? IS THAT HOW CENTAURS HAPPENED?

28. Similarly, if a wizard is a werewolf and in their wereform, can they consent?

29. Can human-like creatures said to be of different intelligence levels than wizards (giants, for example) consent to sexual relationships with human wizards?

30. How the hell did Hagrid's parents even have sex?

31. What's the legality of love potions in the wizarding world? Can a person consent while under the influence of a love potion? And what are the ramifications for people who abuse said potions?

32. What are the laws around wizards using other spells (like the memory-wiping spell) or potions (like Polyjuice) in the coercion of other people/beings?

33. What is the culture like around sex in the wizarding world? How much of Hogwarts' attitude is carried over from Britain/the surrounding area's relationship with sex and how much is the wizarding world's own?

34. Are wizarding sex toys just, like, super cray? And how often are wands themselves used in sex acts? A lot, right?

35. Are spells to adjust penis size common? And are there stretching spells for anal sex?

36. How many of these spells/potions are taught in school and how many do students/wizards have to find extracurricularly?

37. What on earth is wizard porn like? How is it distributed?

38. Where in the castle and on the grounds are the most common hookup areas for Hogwarts students?

39. How thrilled are gay students that they can skip the whole enchanted stairwell blockage and just go at it in their own dorm rooms? How much do they tease the students who aren't in same-sex relationships/hookup situations about this?

40. There's some weird sex stuff going on in Knockturn Alley, isn't there?