In The World Of Horror Movies, These Are The Occupations That Are Basically Death Wishes

Yeah, there's a very fine line between becoming a scientist and becoming a mad scientist.

🚨🚨 Warning: major spoilers are ahead!🚨🚨

1. Scientist – The Fly (1986)

20th Century Fox

A hallmark of science-gone-awry in the horror genre is that of the scientist at the center of the story. It will inevitably end in blood and tears, and for Jeff Goldblum in David Cronenberg’s The Fly, monstrous transmutation and decapitation at the business end of a shotgun from a hysterical Gina Davis.

2. Babysitter — The House of the Devil (2009)

MPI Media Group

Nothing good can ever come from accepting a “babysitting” gig from a trio of eccentric Satanists who reside in an Addams Family-style mansion in the middle of nowhere. So it’ll come as no surprise that things don’t end well for cash-strapped college student Samantha (Jocelin Donahue) in Ti West’s 2009 '80s-based Satanic-themed cautionary tale House of the Devil.

3. Security guard — The Cabin in the Woods (2011)

Lions Gate

When you’re offered a well-paid position with a top-secret ancient-god-appeasing organization, the kind that slaughters teenagers in a macabre annual ritual to prevent the end of the world, the chances of you not meeting a violently unpleasant end are very slim. Especially if you happen to be the morally-conflicted security guard tasked with protecting teen death maneuvring snarky technicians.

4. Camp counselor — Sleepaway Camp (1983)

United Film Distribution Company

In this Friday the 13th knock off, the boisterous Ricky and his monosyllabic cousin Angela — both still recovering from the trauma of a boating accident years earlier —  are spending the summer months at Camp Arawak. No sooner have they arrived, when the almost mute Angela becomes a magnet for every douchebag, pervert, and petty bully at the camp. Even when the bodies start piling up, the reckless camp owner decides to brush the spate of murders under the carpet, in the vain hope of saving Camp Arawak’s reputation. Bad idea.

5. Documentarian – Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

Grindhouse Releasing

In Ruggero Deodato’s infamous, formerly banned Mondo cannibal flick Cannibal Holocaust, a crew of exploitative filmmakers ventured into the depths of the Amazon jungle, on the pretext of documenting a secretive, bad-tempered tribe and disappeared. When the local tribe’s definition of “culinary delights” extends to the butchery and consumption of human beings, it’s probably wise to pull out of the expedition and demand a kill fee before you end up on the chopping block. When a search and rescue team follow, it transpires that said production team caused a bit of a stir amongst the local population and were slaughtered and eaten for their nosiness.

6. AI developer — M3gan (2022)

Universal Pictures

The road to Hell is paved with good intentions, as AI developer Gemma (Allison Williams) discovers when her state-of-the-art robot Megan goes murderously rogue. Megan takes the killer doll trope into the 21st century and gives it a terrifying (and not entirely implausible) tech twist.

7. Artist — Maniac (2012)

IFC Midnight

There are a few things that should make you reconsider a career in the arts — artists are routinely mocked and never really taken seriously by friends or family, it takes years to make a mark in the art industry, and you’re expected to work for a pittance, not to mention the vicious criticism, empty stomach, and in some cases, even attracting the attention of a sociopath. So, if you’re a promising artist with buckets of potential, it’s probably wise to steer clear of soft-spoken, boyishly good-looking mannequin hoarders. 

In Frank Calhoun’s effectively brutal reboot, the story unfolds like a modern-day peeping Tom with Elijah Wood’s tormented sadist Frank agreeing to hire out vintage mannequins from his personal collection (which isn’t creepy at all) to Anna, a budding artist, for a space she has at a reputable LA gallery. But a besotted Frank can’t fight his base instincts and when a slip of the tongue makes Anna come to the realization that he scalped and butchered her friend, it’s too late.

8. Film industry — Barbarian (2022)

20th Century Fox

We're not saying that working in the film industry always culminates in a violent chase sequence, but...er...occasionally, it does. The sleeper hit of 2022, Barbarian revolves around the immensely likable Tess (Georgina Campbell), who finds herself sharing an Airbnb with the creepily good-looking Keith (Bill Skarsgård) in a less-than-savory Detroit suburb. Following a successful interview, Tess's joy at her career-defining moment is short-lived when things take a markedly more sinister, and subterranean, turn. Justin Long's suitably abhorrent soap star and a legitimately sympathetic "monster" add a fascinating dimension to the unpredictable terror that unfolds.

9. Colonists — Alien: Covenant (2017)

20th Century Fox

Arguably, Alien: Covenant isn't as subpar a sci-fi expedition as other entries (AvP) in the Alien franchise, and yet it still feels way TOO familiar. The premise had some potential, until the midway point when it becomes another retread of the franchise's greatest hits, and introduces a frankly dull AI subplot. Katherine Waterson's portrayal of a Ripley-like character didn't help. Whenever a character is required to travel to a distant region of space, where nobody will hear you scream, they should become familiar with the planet (and its wildlife) before colonizing.

10. And undertaker, medic, warehouse operator, or military member — The Return of the Living Dead (1985)

Orion Pictures

if you’re a character in a horror film, regardless of the career path you’ve chosen, it’s that the chances of you being still around – or at least still in one piece – when the credits roll is a statistical impossibility. The peripheral concerns faced by the gainfully employed on a daily basis such as facing the axe, a delay in payment, rushing against the clock to meet time-sensitive deadlines, and the suspicion that your boss may or may not be entirely human pale when compared to the horrors faced by the characters in The Return of the Living Dead. A mishap at a storage facility unleashes an army of near-indestructible, sentient zombies — including the gruesome Tarman and Linnea Quigley's very scary (and very naked) punk zombie queen trash.