15 Things That Diet Coke Addicts Don't Want To Hear About Anymore

    You monsters can pry my aspartame-filled life elixir from my cold, dead, and brittle-boned hands.

    Alana Massey
    by Alana Massey

    BuzzFeed Staff

    1. "Drinking Diet Coke is basically like ingesting poison."

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    You're so right, I'll be dead in minutes. Feed my cat, don't bury me wearing white.

    2. "All the caffeine in Diet Coke dehydrates you."

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    The only thing that doesn't dehydrate you is water and water-dense plants but I'm not casting judgment on your Triscuits, lady.

    3. "Diet Coke depletes your calcium, you know."

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    I've always felt my bones were too big anyway.

    4. "Babe, I feel like too much of our budget goes to Diet Coke."

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    Fine, I give up vegetables.

    5. "Diet Coke has been linked to cancer in rats, you know."

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    Do I look like a goddamn rat to you?

    6. "Everyone's going to think you're neurotic since you're always drinking Diet Coke."

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    Then may they get the weak-willed ginger ale–drinking little mouse that they DESERVE.

    7. "Diet Coke can actually make you gain weight in the long run."

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    Know what else can? Absolutely everything else that we eat and drink. Stop scapegoating my silver cylinder of joy.

    8. "Using Diet Coke as a cocktail mixer gets you drunker faster so your hangover will be worse."

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    I already bid farewell to my best years, thank you, now grab me a can of that sweet nectar and leave me to die.

    9. "Diet Coke is very acidic and can rot your teeth!"

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    I'm prepared for such risks.

    10. "Diet Coke can also stain your teeth pretty badly."

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    No darker than the stain of judgment in your heart, my so-called friend.

    11. "Some studies link excessive Diet Coke drinking with kidney decline."

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    Some studies link impersonating an endocrinologist with arrest and incarceration at Azkaban.

    12. "You know, red wine really goes better with this steak than Diet Coke."

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    You know, if I wanted to pair this well I would have gone some place with a prix fixe and a waitstaff that actually knows French.

    13. "Maybe you can replace one or two cans of Diet Coke a day with some seltzer water."

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    Maybe I can replace you in this department, underling!

    14. "Have you thought about switching to a nice herbal tea?"

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    Have you thought about switching to a new FAMILY?

    15. "Oh, we don't have Diet Coke. Is Diet Pepsi OK?"

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    Sure! Fine! Why don't you just fill my glass with mud and serpent's blood if you're already going to be disgusting about it.