1. Luke Perry, A Gunfighter’s Pledge, 2008
The plot summary from IMDB (I can’t even begin to break this one down): “A escaped prisoner kills the wife and son of a former sheriff, Matt Austin, who sent him to jail long ago. Austin rides in pursuit and locates his quarry in a small town saloon. During the ensuing gunfight, an innocent bystander is shot and the murderer escapes. As a penance, the ex-lawman agrees to help the dead rancher’s wife fend off a land baron’s attempt to steal her property for its valuable water rights.”
2. Patrick Stewart, Mysterious Island, 2005
An adaptation of the Jules Verne novel, also starring Kyle MacLachlan.
3. Sigourney Weaver, Prayers For Bobby, 2009
A TRUE STORY about a 70s Jesusfreak housewife and her gay son.
4. James Earl Jones, The Reading Room, 2005
From IMDB: “Making good on a promise he made to his dying wife, a widower (Jones) opens a reading room, a place where people can learn to read.”
5. Julie Andrews, One Special Night, 1999
Grossest tagline ever.
6. Neil Patrick Harris, The Wedding Dress, 2001
The wedding dress in question jinxes every bride who plans to wear it, so that everyone ends up a spinster just like the audience.
7. Taraji P. Henson, Taken From Me, TBD
Deadline reports that Taraji will star in Taken From Me: The Tiffany Rubin Story, which will incorporate elements of a spy thriller.
8. Ryan Reynolds, School Of Life, 2005
Ryan plays Mr. D, the hip young art teacher with lung cancer. I urge you to read the rest of the plot here. It involves (SPOILER) the math teacher inheriting a dead Mr. D’s car.
9. Thora Birch, Pregnancy Pact, 2010
(Based on the true story.) I can’t even tell which girl is Thora. Teeny, what happened to you?!
10. Jason Priestly & Bradley Cooper, I Want To Marry Ryan Banks, 2004
This is pre-Wedding Crashers, so we probably shouldn’t hold it against Bradley Cooper. He was just trying to make it big. Brandon, on the other hand…
11. Joan Allen And Jeremy Irons, Georgia O’Keeffe, 2009
Fine, they were nominated for SAG Awards, it’s not that embarrassing.
12. Andrew McCarthy, Straight From The Heart, 2003
This is what Teri Polo was up to between breaking Josh Charles’ heart on Sports Night and being First Lady II on West Wing. In case you’d been wondering.
13. Patrick Swayze (RIP), King Solomon’s Mines, 2004
Patrick is hired to find Allison Doody’s dad, who has been kidnapped by the Kukuanas. A Russian tzar is also involved.
14. Ally Sheedy, Citizen Jane, 2009
With a special appearance by Meat Loaf!
15. Jennie Garth, Girl, Positive, 2007
Kelly Taylor, I remember when you were having pregnancy scares of your own. (She had one, right? I remember Brenda’s, but then they all went to not-UCLA and I’m just assuming it happened at some point to Kel. Dylan had some strong swimmers, if I recall.)
16. Paul Dano, Too Young To Be A Dad, 2002
This is really unfair, given how young Paul was at the time, but he was so cute!
17. Shirley MacClane, Coco Chanel, 2008
18. Brian Austin Green, This Time Around, 2003
BAG is the high school BMOC-turned-loser to some chick’s nerd-turned-“record producer.” Hijinks ensue.
19. Jennifer Jason Leigh, The Love Letter,
Post-Single White Female, pre-marrying-Noah-Baumbach-so-he’d-write-roles-for-her.
20. Molly Shannon & Steven Weber, More Of Me, 2007
3 Molly Shannons in 1 Lifetime movie. Yikes.
21. Jennifer Beals, My Name Is Sarah, 2007
It just so happens that the only of these movies I’ve seen is also the only movie that doesn’t merit a promo poster.
22. Gérard Depardieu, La Femme Musketeer, 2004
Jacques D’Artagnan gets a daughter!
23. Anthony Michael Hall, Final Approach, 2007
AMH plays the terrorist hijacker to Dean Cain’s disgraced FBI negotiator.
24. Kimberly Williams-Paisley, Amish Grace,
Yes, that is the cute daughter from Father of the Bride who used to date Pete Sampras. She’s been in several TV movies, but I chose this one because I wanted to know the plot of Amish Grace. It is as follows: Amish schoolgirls are taken hostage and killed, most Amish people forgive the gunman, Kimberly cannot, Kimberly struggles, maybe sleeps with a non-Amish dude (it didn’t say, I’m just guessing), Kimberly re-finds faith and forgiveness and forgets about her dead kid.
25. Lindsay Lohan, Labor Pains, 2009
Lindsay fakes pregnancy in order to keep her job. BASED ON THE TRUE STORY.
26. Shannen Doherty, Christmas Caper, 2007
Shhh, don’t tell anyone I was in this movie.
27. Tori Spelling, A Carol Christmas, 2003
Tori Spelling plays Carol, a shallow tv-host who is visited by ghosts of various temporal modalities so that she can become a better person. It’s a least a clever title.
28. Jennifer Love Hewitt, The Client List, 2010
3.9 million people watched this show.
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