1. Ashton Kutcher (2000)
2. Jim Carrey (2002)
Jim and January hooked up until Jim discovered that January was also dating…
3. Brandon Davis
Yes, the sweaty oil heir Brandon Davis. Also known as the Grease Monkey. There is no amount of post-Ashton-Kutcher-breakup fragility that can justify this.
4. Seann William-Scott (2003)
They met on the set of American Weddings, as I’m sure you remember. SWS is actually one of her better picks.
5. Josh Groban (2005)
Those bangs are perhaps indicative of the life choices she was making in ‘05. To be fair, Groban was pretty good on Glee and in the “I’m Fucking Famous People From Boston” videos. Maybe it was about beauty on the inside.
6. Tommy Alastra (2008)
This guy is famous in that he hangs out with Brody Jenner.
7. Jeremy Piven (2010)
Quote from yesterday’s BuzzFeed meeting: “Who’s worse? Jeremy Piven or Ari Gold.” Answer: Jeremy Piven by a billion units of whatever you measure sleaziness in.
8. Adrian Brody (2010)
They went to a Memorial Day party together. He dressed like this.
9. Guy Who Couldn’t Be Bothered To Drive Her Home (2010)
I’m assuming it was the above scenario and not “Guy Who Doesn’t Own A Car.” That is probably not a safe assumption.
10. Bobby Flay (2010)
Maybe you missed the story about how January got in a literal hit-and-run and then called Bobby Flay for help? Bobby Flay claimed that he’d just met her and “had no idea” why she’d called, so they were clearly sleeping together.
11. Jason Sudeikis
Jason Sudeikis is funny on SNL, and it’s especially great when he dances. But it’s alarming that Jason Sudeikis is the first palatable guy that a girl who looks like January Jones has managed to land. It’s just indicative of a bigger problem, is all I’m saying. Otherwise, he’s great. We wish them happiness.
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