Even though we're only a few months into 2022, it's already been a lot to handle. On the bright side, there have been a ton of hysterical jokes on Twitter that have made coping with this year just a liiiiiittle bit🤏 more bearable. You just gotta take a look for yourself. There's no way you'll get through all of these jokes without busting up laughing.
And follow the accounts that made you laugh so that your Twitter feed is that much better!
1.
I’ve got to think of a way to get off this planet by tomorrow
2.
Just filled up my tank and I’ve actually decided to put my car in neutral, open the door and use my feet like the flinstones
3.
If this doesnt work I give up
4.
Just saw someone say they got the ick from the way their bfs body flailed around when they got in a car crash
5.
boyfriends take pictures of you like you did something awful to them
6.
i love a short man, like yessss take up less space on earth you feminist king
7.
😭
8.
My lawyer just said the DA was “mansplaining” to her im going to jail dawg
9.
Called my landlord bc I smelled gas and he came over and turned my stovetop burner off
10.
*youth pastor voice* hey, you know who else has a “praise kink”?
11.
Today my doctor said “you look extra pale, have you been feeling okay?” and I responded “this is just how I look in January” and she wrote that down.
13.
my homie told this girl at the bar he “travels for work” bro works at domino’s 😭
14.
well
15.
Maybe i did audibly moan that one time when the coochie waxing lady put the warm wax on my bootyhole cuz now she always says “Ok heres your favorite part”.
16.
Lady walked into the Jamaican spot and asked if they had beyond meat . If you had just heard how the woman behind the counter sucked her teeth lmaoooo
17.
me: I'm quitting, here's my badge and gun zookeeper: your what
18.
Duolingo watching me do the wordle every day
20.
he can’t be serious
21.
a sex tape wont humiliate me u gone have to find footage of me missing a bus
22.
I always love when people find out I’m not reserved & quiet at all but an actual nut case.
23.
When the Jehovah witness come knocking on my door
24.
Why do kids cough like that? Tongue out, mouth wide open with not a hand in sight 😭
25.
lgbt people can never say the song is good it’s always some shit like “she came into the studio with a gun and held the engineer hostage”
26.
im still tryna find out who her plug is
27.
me when i open the google doc and my editor is in there making changes
28.
Met an old guy with no bank account. When I asked him why he didn't have one he said "I just never got into that shit"
29.
The era where you dropped ya phone and ya battery flew out was just crazy.
30.
if u think u going to hell just know that one time i went to church, stood at the alter and lied to everyone saying i had a dream that i went to hell and seen most of them there
31.
We used to pay real money for ringtones and now if my phone makes a noise it ruins my day
32.
smelling weed in public for me is like smelling the lil baked pie on the windowsill in cartoons i can’t lie
33.
Well….was supposed to get my tiddies done tomorrow but my SURGEON WAS ARRESTED for MANSLAUGHTER so that’s fun
34.
My husband just called and the first thing he said was “YOU ARE ON SPEAKER.” 5 times 😭😭😭
35.
“She looks like Lisa Bonet” - my dad’s only comment after the batman
36.
If I was dating the tinder swindler and he texted me saying someone was after him I’d just get the ick
37.
ten years before i knew I had ADHD i took adderall at a music festival. my friends were all jacked up and dancing but I was like “it’s suddenly manageable for me to sit calmly under this tree and reply to some text messages”
38.
39.
SVU is like "this episode does not depict any actual person or event -- anyway here's tragic young pageant star Jondalay Ramby"
40.
at mcdonald's ordering the little fucking freak meal
41.
why ppl named “deborah” always go by “deb” and never “bruh”
43.
can’t grocery shop two days before going out of town - legally have to eat weird and bad meals
44.
lawyers be like "we will take the 40 years" BRO WHO IS WE???
45.
i check her phone everyday to make sure she not texting pete davidson
46.
my bank blocked my card because of a security threat. it was me, buying a mattress, at 2 am. i am my own biggest threat
47.
"your alarm is set for 2 hours and 43 minutes from now"
48.
This one of them things you take with you to the grave lmfaooooo this is outlandish
49.
have snoop and martha ever like… almost? like there was a tension in the air, both of them felt it, but neither of them knew if it was the right move so they just said… goodnight? but both fell asleep staring at the ceiling thinking… “woah”
50.
me: i saw a rat chuck e. cheese employee: are u serious where me: [terrified] it’s really fucking big man
51.
*throws up after drinking 10 mimosas* omg random I hope I’m not pregnant
52.
if i ask you to take pics of me and you start tilting the camera just hand me my phone back
53.
Just found out Jesus is a nepo baby
54.
my mom is always like “I’d still love you if you MURDERED someone” and it’s like ok is that a dare
55.
the word "ew" coming out of a pretty girl's mouth holds so much power... it could tear apart nations i think
56.
I love that hello kitty has branded products in literally anything. Like wtf do I have the option to have hello kitty pasta
57.
me watching the fork i put in the microwave
58.
if I’m still single next year I’m applying for love is blind
59.
Foreplay is just bullying a horny person
60.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
61.
writers love saying things like "he had a toothy grin" what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. "he walked feetily into the kitchen" that's how you sound
62.
hateful ass fish
63.
always feel like everyone else at the grocery store is doing a better job at grocery shopping than me
64.
tomato’s ain’t hard enough.. BOOOO 🧱🧱🧱🧱🧱🧱🧱🧱🧱🧱🧱🧱🧱🧱🧱
66.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
67.
my red flag is that i do judge books by their covers and i won’t read one if it’s ugly
68.
you'd do well on 2014 tumblr (derogatory)
69.
i’d b a terrible therapist cause i’d want u to show me a pic of the guy u keep crying about
70.
sometimes i talk to myself and we both laugh
72.
I asked the produce guy if I could try a grape and he said he wouldn’t care if I lit the store on fire with him in it
73.
“euphoria day!!” there used to be a time were sundays were for GOD
75.
“can you explain this gap on ur resume” it was then that Jesus carried me
76.
i get so annoyed whenever ppl call kids evil but then i remember when i was 8 and had recently seen mean girls for the first time, and i got yelled at by my mother so i wrote “slut” on a scrap of paper then left it on her bed for her to find. so ig i’ll let y’all have it
77.
"What percent you on?" First of all this my charger
78.
Lord this job I prayed and begged you for, I’m bout to quit it.
79.
how do people live in LA? aren't you worried about running into james corden
80.
are u serious or are u being camp rn
81.
dick van dyke is a crazyyy name like
82.
Told a guy I had body dysmorphia and he said “I love sci fi”
83.
girls will be like, “i love a man with style” and it will be avoidant attachment style
84.
why do children drink like they’ve been fasting for 40 days and 40 nights?? gasping for air and everything
85.
Goddamn it
86.
had such a tough day at work today
87.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
88.
“I’m free February 14th” well duh you tweet about tv and films daily
89.
i’m never “coming out” to anyone ever again. if you can’t tell i’m a little gay then that’s on you
90.
at the end of the day, it’s night
91.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
92.
icarly was right when she said live life, breathe air, somehow we’re gonna get there
93.
Running towards the bus before it left was one of the most embarrassing things ever
94.
At least 4 of my pill bottles say “may cause dizziness” so before you’re mean to me online consider that I might be the dizziest bitch in the world ok
95.
Y’all be arguing on the same app I watch porn on
96.
kanye talks about pete davidson like he’s Dinkleberg
97.
Apartments will show you 44 pics of the lobby. Bitch I ain’t living in there.
98.
since y’all so free feb 14 go see a therapist
99.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your email. It is Saturday and you shouldn’t have sent it.
100.
This man looked at my “444” necklace and goes “Wendys. Nice” FUCK
101.
i don’t irish exit, i american withdraw (make a big show about leaving and then linger indefinitely)
102.
me when I’m 75: is he in our grade
103.
i remember i was broke af and a chick found $20 in my car it was so hard acting like i aint need dat shit
104.
Tracking number isn’t enough, I need to be on the delivery drivers private story.
105.
FaceTimed her and someone in the back said “ew that’s him?”
106.
Omg…what
107.
guys I cancelled my netflix subscription im so excited to finally own a house who knew it was this easy 🥰
108.
Caught omicron from my therapist. Never thought my first breakthrough would be Covid.
109.
don’t bite the hand that fingers u or however it goes
110.
the vibrator died while Brian and I were fucking and this mf said “and now it’s time for the acoustic set” 💀💀
111.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume me: yes that's when i didn't have a job
112.
“WyD oN vALenTiNeS dAy” going to work its a Monday lmaoo
113.
big news, my bodega guy promoted me from “boss” to “my brother”
114.
“who hurt you?” me bro i overthink.
115.
She let me hit cus I have an inherent sense of wonder
116.
[watching porn] I hope they stay together
117.
yall will be like “idk why i’ve been so unproductive recently” and then someone asks whats going on in ur life and u list four lifestopping crisies and then say “yeah but it should be fine! :)”
118.
College was so fun because everyone was so supportive of whatever lie you were telling about yourself
119.
Not having had covid yet is starting to feel like a new type of virginity
120.
dogs be walkin under ur feet Iike they’re tryin to collect workers comp
121.
Disney made turning 16 such a big deal I turned 16 and my life went to shit
122.
phone so dry i be checking tomorrow’s weather
123.
My cousin caught her dude cheating, she put her iPhone in his car and did “ find iPhone” on her sons iPad and found the girls address. My granny said “you doing all this detective work, imagine if you went to college and applied yourself ..” 😭😭😭😭
124.
Once a toddler learns “Why?” It’s all over
125.
Waitress said “wow” after I ordered
126.
oh ur in her dms?? 🤨🤨 well shes doing her british accent in front of me
127.
I told my 6 yo we were having sandwiches for dinner. He told me he did too much homework to be eating a sandwich for dinner. 💀💀💀🤣🤣😂
128.
Hinge will be like “we think you’re compatible with someone that is ugly”
129.
just once i’d like a pregnancy test commercial where the woman screams “FUCK” and smashes her apartment to bits
130.
dudes are like "hey i have a girlfriend now so i can't talk to you beyond fire reacting every one of your stories"
131.
I'm not downloading no new apps, if Twitter and tik tok dies that's it I'm fucking free