1.
Oh r u still using handheld beans?
2.
Parmesan Sir? "Yes please" Say when. *Grates Parmesan* Sir? "..." *Grates fingers* SIR? "..." *Grates entire hand* Please...I have a family.
3.
A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.
4.
-The name's Bond. James Bond. -I've written Bond now. -Oh. Can you change it or is it too late? -When your coffee's ready they'll call Bond
5.
the fondue...? you mean, my drinking cheese?
6.
Mum forgot to do Garlic Bread with tea, more like chilli con cannot be arsed, Jane.
7.
Maw keeps buying dark chocolate biscuits knowin fine well am allergic tae it hinkin it’ll stop me tanning them 😂 hink again Alison hen get the epi-pen ready
8.
chewing gum geen me better advice than half ma pals
9.
Good morning. I've just finished serving a 12-hour Twitter suspension after a friend reported me for saying I don't like roast potatoes.
10.
imagine if toast was a4 size
11.
Dinny trust anyone who bites ice cream pure terminator teeth
12.
Why is it when yer maw makes homemade soup it's breakfast lunch and dinner for the next 8 weeks eh yer life
13.
1st mozzarella stick: omg yes 2nd-3rd: this is great 4-5th: no looking back now 6th: I regret everything
14.
Number one, why these shits so hard to open? Number two, they loud as hell. Whole fuckin country know you tryna get a piece of cake https://t.co/EBRgsUMzHW
15.
you: *goes ham in the club* me: *eats prosciutto at home*
16.
do u guys eat ur burgers with or without the peel?
17.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
18.
Fortune Cookie: YOU JUST BROKE MY HOUSE IN HALF AND NOW YOU'RE READING MY JOURNAL
19.
Avocado: not ripe Avocado: not ripe Avocado: not ripe Avocado: I'M RIPE NOW Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
20.
can you imagine being the first person to try caviar. just tear open a fish and eat whatever the fuck freaky beads fall out of it
21.
Jelly. Baby needs jelly.