9 Rides That Should Definitely Be At Nintendo's New Theme Park

The world needs an IRL Zelda dungeon like Link needs heart pieces.

Nintendo announced this month they have minted a deal with Universal to feature Nintendo franchises at their theme parks. There is little information on what the rides will look like, but the very idea is fertile ground for a nerdy imagination.

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Every Nintendo franchise could conceivably have an entire theme park to itself. Imagine a Wii Sports Island full of real-life mini-games. Or a Hyrule Castle area with a Bombchu alley and comically oversize Cucco drumsticks. A Yoshi's Island park! A Kirby's Warp Star! The possibilities are endless.

Here are just a few of the rides that Nintendo should include in some form or another. Be careful you don't lose a life on some of the more dangerous rides!

1. The Mario Kart Rainbow Road-ercoaster

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One of the hardest tracks in Mario Kart, an IRL Rainbow Road Rollercoaster wouldn’t nearly be the hair-tearing experience that it is in the games. Mostly because unlike the games, riders can’t fall off the sides. Hopefully.

2. The Thwomp Drop

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This one is pretty self-explanatory. You ride a Thwomp enemy from the Mario series hiiiiiiigh into the sky, take one wistful look at Yoshi's Island, and then drop hard with an obligatory UUU-AH sound.

3. Minecart Madness from Donkey Kong Country

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Take a ride through murky mineshafts on this ride based off the infamous minecart levels from Donkey Kong Country. The original games are basically roller coasters, so this would be an easy transition. Unlike the games, there would be no sections where you jump over broken tracks because people would die.

4. Nintendo's Pokéxperience™ on Pokémon Safari Island

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The Pokémon series deserves more than a ride; it deserves a complete Pokémon EXPERIENCE. Attractions on Pokémon Safari Island would include a Pokécenter (for novelty Pokéballs and Vanilluxe ice cream), a gym where you could have interactive 3D Pokébattles, the Lapras Falls Log Ride, and the Pokémon Snap Pokéxperience™.

5. Samus's Super Metroid 3D Shoot-'n'-Slay

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Annihilate invasive Metroids from the Planet Zebes while riding in a miniature model of Samus Aran’s gunship. Riders don 3D glasses and stick their arms into Power Suit cannons to assist a wall-and-screw-jumping Samus Aran through a tour of the alien planet including locales like Crateria, Brinstar, and Norfair.

6. K.K. Slider's K.K. Rider

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When you and the younguns want to dip out from the hustle and bustle of Nintendo world, take a relaxing boat ride through Nintentown, an idyllic Animal Crossing town. K.K. Slider would play guitar and serenade riders with his lovely voice. Make sure to take in the sights and sounds of the bugs and fish at the Nintentown museum! It’s like "It’s a Small World," but for Animal Crossing!

7. Mushroom Mania in the Mushroom Kingdom

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The Mushroom Kingdom section of the park would be filled with tons of small, quick rides for the kids. Swirling mushroom tops, a Yoshi-Go-Round, and perhaps a Ghost House for the adults.

8. The Blue Falcon

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Face-meltingly fast rides. The wind tearing at your face. F-Zero is well-known for its blazing speed as well as its muscle bound, over-the-top main character, Captain Falcon. The hypersonic drop at the end of this slingshot of a ride will have you screaming "FALCON PAWNCH." If your nipples aren't hard by the end of the ride, you're probably dead.

9. The Temple of Fun

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A Nintendo theme park wouldn’t be complete without a Zelda dungeon but a traditional Zelda temple would probably raise a lot of safety issues. Can you imagine how illegal it would be for patrons to hookshot over molten lava? The best solution is to emulate a more low-key puzzle-based dungeon like the Tower of the Gods from Wind Waker. Riders would be guided by the ever-charming King of Red Lions and Navi, who would navigate throughout the tower and tell you, "HEY, LISTEN" at key moments where riders would disembark to collectively solve some puzzles. The set would have 3D interactive enemies, and riders would use a digital slingshot to shoot down Keese and prevent Octoroks from boarding the boat. It's closest analogue would be the Pirates of the Carribbean ride at Disneyland, but it would still be like nothing you’ve ever seen before. And that's everything your inner child would want from a Nintendo theme park.

Is there a ride that Nintendo absolutely needs to include? Share your genius idea in the comments below.