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25 Stages Of Getting "Randomly" Selected By Airport Security

Also known as "flying while brown."

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1. After a few similar experiences, you've come to accept that you're probably gonna face some extra questioning at the airport.

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2. If you're a brown dude, you seriously consider shaving your beard the night before the flight...

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3. ...and you go to the airport lookin' as America as possible.

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4. You walk in thinking, THIS WILL BE THE DAY EVERYTHING GOES SMOOTHLY.

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5. But when you go to the check-in kiosk and try to print your boarding pass...

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6. ...it says you must speak with an agent in order to board.

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7. You get really nervous for NO REASON when you hand over your ID.

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8. The agent starts typing a suspicious amount.

9. When you ask them what the holdup is, they say your name is on a list.

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10. You ask why or how you got on this list, but no explanation really makes that much sense.

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11. But you're clear! They give you your boarding pass!

12. As you wait in line, you wonder if you qualify for that TSA pre-check thingy or if you have to be, you know, white.

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13. You try to be as charming as you can to the security guards.

14. The first set of security guards write something totally illegible on your boarding pass, and try as you might, you cannot interpret that shit.

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15. You consider opting out of those weird body scanner things, but you know you'll get a death stare from the agents.

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16. So you walk through the body scanner and watch your civil liberties fly by.

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17. But then, yeah. You get selected for a "random" screening.

18. You grab your shoes and bags, making sure to move veeeeery slowly and deliberately.

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19. The TSA agents narrate the pat-down as it happens, but there's no natural way to slide two latex-gloved fingers in somebody's waistband.

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20. You try not to laugh at how awkward the whole thing is.

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21. They open your carry-on and test your very suspicious-looking sweatshirt and socks for radiation.

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22. If by some miracle you happen to avoid screening, a flying companion gets selected instead.

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23. When you finally make it through security, you feel a confusing sense of relief, even though you've done nothing wrong.

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24. But then you remember — you'll have to go through the same thing on your return flight.

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25. Thank god you were just flying domestic. Imagine if you had to go through customs.

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