The Little Mermaid was my obsession when I was a kid. I forced my mother and sisters to watch it with me every single day of 1990. Eventually, I grew bored of it. Haven't thought about it for probably two decades...
But I recently rewatched "Kiss The Girl" and it's weird and I need to talk about it.
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It all starts with Sebastian. Even though he basically helped raise Ariel, he takes the role of wingman for possible sea pirate Prince Eric. It's uncomfortably sensual for a crab.
He leads a turtle massage parlor as "percussion" to set the mood. Oooooookay.
Also, Ariel is LITERALLY a girl. She's 16 years old and thinks she's found true love with a stranger.
But it's not true love. Eric is only attracted to Ariel because she temporarily has legs.
Ariel has all these lovely qualities — curiosity, independence, and spirit — but Eric doesn't know because HE'S NEVER LISTENED TO HER TALK.
This is not OK. Read this and tell me it's OK.
It's also terribly sad that the whole reason Ariel wants a kiss is because she wants to become permanently human, which means abandoning everything and everyone she's ever known.
Meanwhile, all the local animals (who are basically total strangers btw) rise to the surface to ogle this underage couple on their journey to the Bay of Bone-Gal.
Up in the tree we've got a bird with a smarmy middle-aged human hair part getting all titillated.
These slimeballs make kissy-faces and howl at the moon.
The turtle doesn’t seem to know so I will forgive him.
These horny-looking ducks... erm.... e...e...elongate?
Aaaand at the very end, Sebastian starts choking his "chicken."
Do yourself a favor. Wipe this song from your mind. The more you think about it, the worse it gets.
