We Tried To Figure Out Why These Weird Stock Photos Exist
Never search "sexy milk."
Searching through stock photos is always an enlightening experience. Like sometimes you search "bread" and find out there's somebody in the world who thought we needed this:
Here are some of the most useless stock photos we've found and some ideas on how to make them useable:
Photo title: "Old woman with pistol"
Michelle: "I'll give you one good reason not to fuck with grandma."
Ahmed: There's something metaphorical about this picture. Like, maybe the gun is her newly acquired lover and she's telling the rest of her family to fuck off cause they don't respect her. It's not very threatening.
Michelle: Her finger is more threatening than the gun.
Ahmed: EXACTLY. She could be holding literally anything else in her hands and I'd be equally as scared.
Michelle: "I'll give you one guess what happened to Grandpa."
"One Good Reason Not To Fuck With Grandma" with just the photo. Could go mega viral.
Photo title: "Lovely bunny couple"
Ahmed: THERE'S NOT A SINGLE THING RIGHT WITH THIS PHOTO. EVERYTHING IS WRONG.
Michelle: Like how did this even happen, why are they doing this?
Ahmed: It's like they were doing an Easter-themed porno and decided they could get some stock photos out of it.
A low-budget porno called "Here Comes Peter Cotton Tail." Emphasis on "comes."
Photo title: "Old hippie man boxer in black underwear"
Ahmed: I get drunk old guy in boxing gloves KIND OF. But why the grad hat?
Michelle: He is fighting for his right to graduate.
Ahmed: BUT THEN WHY IS HE NAKED?
Michelle: Boxers are usually shirtless.
Ahmed:That's true. But they don't box in their black whitey-tighties.
Michelle: Maybe that's his thing. He just likes to box in a speedo.
Probably best for a small-town news piece like, "Local Drunk Demands Degree, 2 Injured"
Photo title: "Young woman having spaghetti"
Ahmed: This is one of the horrible things about stock photos. Sometimes you literally need a photo of a person having spaghetti, and then you get this shit.
Michelle: She looks angry, frustrated at her spaghetti.
Ahmed: Maybe she is pissed because it's NOT al dente.
"Overcooking your Pasta? Here's One Simple Trick That Will Make Perfect Al Dente Every Time"
Photo title: "Beer and senior"
Michelle: I found this by searching for "retirement."
Ahmed: Space Beer Wizard is the first thing that comes to mind.
Michelle: I can't argue with that.
Ahmed: It's space, right?
Michelle: Definitely space.
Ahmed: How deep down on the "retirement" page was this?
Perfect for a wikihow tutorial on "How to Be a Space Beer Wizard In Just 5 Easy Steps"
Photo title: "Hip hop black man retro afro hair wearing white shirt and bling bling"
Ahmed: The caption makes this terrible photo even more terrible.
Michelle: I feel bad for this guy.
Ahmed: I just very much dislike that there's a market for this.
Michelle: I'm not even sure in what context someone could use this that wouldn't be offensive.
This is good for nothing. NOTHING.
Photo title: “Three attractive friends walking on the beach”
Ahmed: Wat? Is. That. Photo. Wearing. A. wig?
Michelle: No fucking idea. Maybe it's a panorama gone wrong? The woman on the left is a continuation of the woman on the right. But that doesn't explain the wig.
Ahmed: I don't know if there's anything usable about this at all, unless you crop it severely.
Can't do anything with it except put it in an article about shitty stock photos.
Photo title: "Attractive naked woman lying in coffee grains"
Ahmed: Ah yes, the classic. Ol' Coffee Crotch.
Michelle: She's just a coffee lover, like the rest of us.
Ahmed: This photo is like, let's fill a pit with coffee beans, throw a hot lady into it and desperately hope someone needs that.
Michelle: Maybe she's exfoliating.
Ahmed: But like, can't she wear clothes for that? Why does she have to be naked?
Michelle: She's exfoliating ~everywhere~. In all the nooks and crannies.
"23 Ways Coffee Steaming Is Actually Your Vagina's Best Friend"
Photo title: "Bad start to the morning"
Ahmed: I IDENTIFY WITH THIS ON A SPIRITUAL LEVEL.
Michelle: I'm thinking this would be perfect for a piece about shitty breakfast.
Ahmed: How do you write a piece about shitty breakfast, Michelle?
Michelle: This toast isn't that burnt, like it's still edible.
Ahmed: Dude, crack an egg in that thing. I'd eat that toast. Toad in a hole is delicious.
Michelle: Yeah it needs eggs. It's basically crust at this point and butter won't spread over it. But some asshole carved a frowny face into it.
Ahmed: I dunno I am very optimistic about this sad toast.
"You Won't Believe How Sad This Toast Is. By The Time He Left The Toaster, I Was In Tears."
Photo title: "Miniature man got caught by a giant"
Ahmed: Honey I Shrunk My Nerdy Dormmate Who Pretends To Sleep While I Have Sex in the Bunkbed We Share
Michelle: Are you feeling ok?
Ahmed: NO. Isn't that the body language they're sharing? I'm not saying this was my experience, by the way, cause it wasn't. I never had a bunkbed. Or a sex-having roommate.
Michelle: Sure, Ahmed.
Ahmed: Just end there?
Ahmed: Knocked that one out of the park.
Straight-to-VHS film titled "Honey I Shrunk My Nerdy Dormmate Who Pretends To Sleep While I Have Sex in the Bunkbed We Share"
Photo title: "Drinking milk"
Ahmed: I feel like this could be used for Cosmo sex tips, right?
Michelle: YES. I could totally see that.
Ahmed: "Next time you drink a glass of milk, let the cool, white liquid stream down your chin and onto your barely exposed clavicle. If he doesn't lick it off you, he's out of his mind!"
"The Best Milk Blow Job You've Never Heard Of"