I've always thought that if I had some cash stored up in my later years, I'd want to give a hefty portion to my kids when I passed (if I had either money OR children, that is).
That was until I read a post by u/Positive-Purple-487 on the "Am I The Asshole" subreddit, where a woman decided to give her entire late husband's estate to stranger instead of either of their kids. Here's the full story:
FYI, r/AmItheAsshole is an online channel in Reddit where people ask others to tell them whether or not they're being an asshole in a situation.
"I had been married to my husband for 20 years before he died. It was cancer."
"He had two kids from a past marriage who were in their early teens when he married me. I had a seven-year-old from an earlier relationship as well. We didn't have any more kids."
"I tried to treat my stepchildren as my own, but they never accepted me. They were very rude and insulted me whenever they could. They called me a gold digger who only married their dad for his money because I didn't work."
"The truth was my grandparents were quite wealthy and left me a lot of money when they died. I lived well below my means and chose to stay home and raise my daughter, since I could afford to do that. I did not need his money at all. But I didn't bother sharing this information with his kids, and I told him not to either. I didn't want them to pretend to like me just because they thought they might get money from me."
"My husband hated how they behaved with me. Their blatant disrespect meant he refused to pay for their college tuition. Their mom couldn't pay for it, either, so they had to take out loans. They didn't even talk to him after that."
"Even when he got cancer, they refused to come see him. For three years, we struggled with the treatment. My daughter came to visit from time to time, when she could."
"The only person who really helped both of us during all this was someone we weren't related to at all. This girl in her late 20s waitressed at a cafe we frequented. She was a single mom, taking classes at community college at night, working during day, and raising her two kids. She took a liking to us, and when she learned my husband was sick, she spent whatever time she could visiting him. She even stayed nights at the hospital when I needed a break — basically, she's been the daughter we wished for."
"When he died, she helped me arrange the funeral. His kids came on the day and all they wanted to know was about their inheritance. I felt sick."
"When I learned my husband had left his estate to me (it was around $25,000 after I settled his bills), I decided to give it to the girl who helped us both so much. She tried to refuse, but I insisted she take it. She needed it, and in my opinion, she deserved it more than the ungrateful children."
"My daughter understands why I didn't give the cash to his children, but is upset that I didn't give anything to her, either. I told her she already had money and a job. Not to mention she will get my inheritance. This was in no way her money."
"But his ex-wife and kids are causing havoc over this and are really upset with me. They are calling me an A-hole for giving away money they deserve. AITA?"
Unsurprisingly, commenters had opinions.
If you're not familiar with the lingo, people sometimes vote with the following abbreviations: YTA (you're the A-hole), NTA (not the A-hole), ESH (everyone sucks here), or NAH (no A-hole here).
Most people said that the original poster (OP) was not an A-hole.
"They don’t deserve the money. They want the money. There is a difference. I just went no-contact with my parents two to three days ago. I know the odds are that they'll cut me out of their will. I’m 100% okay with it. Being free of their toxicity is 100% worth giving up what money they may give me... His adult children made choices in life. But now that he’s gone. Now that all of it is said and done. Now that they are demanding money… I would look at them and say 'Aren’t you quite the gold diggers? You know, your dad never funded my lifestyle. I was wealthy on my own. That’s why I didn’t work. I didn’t need the money.'"
"NTA. First of all, an estate of $25,000 is very small. It’s not the size of an estate that people even normally ask about or fight over. It’s surprising to me that your child and your stepchildren were expecting some windfall when your husband's total net worth was $25,000. Were they under the impression that your husband had money?
If your husband wanted his kids or your kids to have his estate, he would have left it to them. But he wanted you to have it, and you were well within your rights to gift it to someone who made an influence in your life and for whom it may be a life-changing gift."
"NTA. $25,000 might make all the difference to a single mom working a waitressing job, but it's not going to change the life of already well-off kids, particularly split all those ways."
But some thought everybody sucked in this situation:
"I think you and your husband didn't do a great job of integrating your families and then blamed his kids for not accepting you. It sounds like they probably parroted what they heard elsewhere, and he and you did nothing to make that better. His relationship with them sounds very transactional — he refused to pay for college because he was angry, and they pulled back.
I'm not saying he should have ignored their behaviour, but your description of his kids as money-grabbing while not seeing your own daughter that way (despite her argument that she should have gotten his money) gives a negative picture of your attitude towards them.
So while you're NTA for giving money to the young woman who supported you both, I do think you and your husband are to blame for this family dynamic in the first place."
"They're not entitled to her financial situation, and making fun of her with the gold digger comments is uncalled for.
ESH."
And others straight-up said that the woman was the A-hole here:
"'I could have cleared up a reasonable if small-minded misconception my stepkids had about me as young teenagers but I refused, leading to the destruction of husband's relationship with his kids. As if that wasn’t enough, I got an even more petty revenge years later after he died. Aren’t I sweet?'
No.
YTA.
They were kids to young adults but you were the adult. You could have handled this better in a thousand ways, instead of being a tawdry dime store Cersei Lannister. Gross."
"They were teenagers. They easily could have been calling her a gold digger all on their own, but I do think there’s more to this story than OP says. This reads like a delusional parent who just can’t understand what they did wrong and why their children won’t speak to them."
I'm going to put my head above the parapet here — of course, this woman has the right to do whatever she likes with money that's bestowed to her, and I'm glad a struggling young person got some help. When it comes to splitting the money, nobody else involved had any right to it, so on that front, I think she's NTA. And given that the post was about the money, I agree with everyone else who say she's in the right there.
Still, I don't like that the dad cut them off from their college funds if he had them. It's not bad parenting to not be able to afford extortionate fees, of course. But if you already have the cash and choose to lock them out of it because of their teenage behaviour, you're forcing an adult into thousands and thousands of potentially high-interest debt for actions they took as children. It's not that I think the kids are lovely, perfect angels; I just don't think they're necessarily greedy A-holes for deciding to cut him out of their life, as it sounds like it was a complicated, strained relationship.
That said, if you don't go to your parent's terminal sickbed, you probably shouldn't expect to get your hands on their inheritance. That might be a pay-off (no pun intended) you have to take in exchange for a life free from them. In other words, ugghghhghhgggh — she's not an asshole for giving the inheritance away, but I don't think this is as clear-cut as she feels it is, and I think some earlier sympathy for his kids' perspectives might have made this little easier. Families, man. I'd say "not the A-hole — but I have notes."
Shout out to u/Positive-Purple-487 and the AITA subReddit for having this discussion.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.