1. First of all, our introduction to Wonka is this foreboding industrial wasteland.
3. Then some guy WITH A CART FULL OF MACHETES warns Charlie to stay away, because “nobody ever comes out.”
HOW IS A CART FULL OF MACHETES NOT A RED FLAG, CHARLIE?
4. But he doesn’t listen and ends up almost getting mobbed when he finds his golden ticket.
Possible trampling hazard - how fun!
5. Then, on his way home, he’s jumped by Wonka’s creepy henchman.
This guy really needs to work on his people skills.
6. And let’s not even get started on Wonka himself. He’s like your eccentric neighbor who may or may not be hatching a kidnapping plot.
Stay away from strangers, kids.
7. Soon enough, it’s time for the factory itself, a hellscape with disembodied hands for coat hangers.
8. Wonka then decides to trap everyone in a tiny shrinking room, because why not?
At this point, it wouldn’t be surprising if the walls started closing in and crushed everyone to death.
9. Now we learn that Wonka exploits the slave labor of little people who he has dyed a horrendous shade of burnt orange.
What’s worse is that his excuse is that the Oompa Loompas were LITERALLY BEING EATEN in their home country.
11. Then Augustus Gloop is almost drowned in the river and crushed by this suction tube.
And all the while Wonka’s just like, “lol whatev” even though a young child might end up in the fudge boiler being boiled to death.
13. After, Wonka takes everyone on a boat ride as if nothing bad has happened, except by boat ride I mean terrifying acid trip.
14. Complete with humongous bugs crawling across your face and a chicken getting its head chopped off.
15. In the next room, Wonka blows Violet up until she is ON THE VERGE OF EXPLODING.
Stop killing children, Wonka!
16. Speaking of violent deaths, Wonka almost slices Charlie and Grandpa Joe into tiny pieces.
That fan is basically a set of giant rotating knives.
17. Cool, now Veruca falls down a gigantic garbage chute heading to THE FURNACE WHERE SHE WILL BURN.
18. And then her dad jumps in after her because apparently two humans sizzled to a crisp are better than one.
19. Moving on, we have these little flittering things that are actually A KID BEING ESSENTIALLY SHREDDED APART.
20. Him coming back in miniature form doesn’t excuse the fact that you just dismembered a child, Wonka.
22. We end with the intense tirade of a maniacal candy-maker who just sanctioned the imminent deaths of four other children.
“You lose…your life!” - original script.
23. But it’s OK because now Charlie gets the factory, right?
24. Wrong. Wonka still decides to take him into an elevator even though he doesn’t know where it goes and admits the glass shattering could kill them.
25. So now they’re just flying in an elevator that’s attached to nothing and could fall at any time.
27. The synopsis? “A crazed recluse invites five unsuspecting children into his funhouse lair and forces them to evade various torture devices if they hope to live and claim the ultimate prize.”
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