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McCain Releases Not Dead Yet Certificate

Hoping to put rumors six-feet underground, 74-year old Arizona Senator John McCain released his official Not Dead Yet Certificate into the public record. 'Deathers' have brought McCain's claims that he is a living, breathing organism into question, supposing that he died in 2008, shortly after his presidential bid was laid to rest. McCain, who has had four malignant melanomas removed, cannot raise either arm above shoulder-height, leading many people to believe he is either a zombie or a reanimated corpse. This would finally explain his unsual comment from the 2008 campaign trail "I am older than dirt and have more scars than Frankenstein."

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