Tasha Kon
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  • 10 Fairyfails

    10 Horrible Fairyfails Fairytales are wonderful, right? A charming prince, a damsel in distress, and a beautiful, far off place. Admit it: When you were little, you dreamed of being in a fairytale. (Maybe you even still do.) Well, sit back and prepare to have your childhood ruined as you learn about the exciting world of horrible fairyfails. 1.) Cinderella and the Evil Birds— This story has always troubled me. If the Prince is so hopelessly in love with Cindy, why doesn’t he remember her face? If the shoe fits so perfectly, why does it fall off? But there are more troubling questions than those in the original version of the story. In the original version, Cindy killers her firsts stepmother because she wants her father to marry the maid. But that’s not all; the Prince tries to stop Cindy escaping from the ball by laying hot tar as a trap for her. Fortunately, she makes it away healthy, minus a shoe. But it only gets worse as the story progresses. When Cindy’s evil step-sisters find the shoe, they each cut bits of their toes off in a desperate effort to get their feet to fit. And in a Tarantino-style gory ending, birds come to peck the sisters’ eyes out at Cindy’s wedding. 2.) Snow White belongs in a Jack Kerouac novel— If the murderously jealous Queen and general evilness of this story wasn’t enough for you before, you should read the original. In the original, Snow White is 7 years old, and the Queen is her birth mother. Oh, also, the Queen was planning to eat port Snow’s heart. Cannibalism was sort of a big thing back then, I guess. As punishment for her crimes, the Queen is forced to dance in red-hot metal shoes and dance until she died. I guess you could say that she *takes off sunglasses* danced with death. In other versions of the story, the Queen is told by a trout that Snow is more beautiful then her, and she convinces the King that she’s ill and the only thing that can save her is to eat the heart of their daughter. In another story, the Prince keeps Snow’s dead corpse locked in a room until his new wife finds her and spontaneously brings her back to life. Surprised by this, they have a threesome. Gee, I wonder why Disney left that part out? 3.) The Little Mermaid was almost a murderer — This story is just 50 shades of messed up. In the original, mermaids don’t have souls, and the transformation from mermaid to human is described as “being stabbed and walking on knives”. If she can’t get he Prince to fall in love with her, she will turn into sea foam and die the first dawn after his marriage (to someone else). This apparently sounds like a great idea to her, and she transforms into a land-lubber. She meets the Prince, who is all set up to marry a neighboring princess. He doesn’t have the hots for the mermaid, unfortunately, and subsequently marries the neighboring princess. But not all hope’s lost! The Mermaid can still live… if she kills the Prince with a special knife. Unable to perform the dirty deed, the Mermaid dissolves into sea foam, and no one lives happily ever-after. 4.) Sleeping Beauty and all the stuff Disney forgot— Warning: This should only be read by people who don’t need to sleep, because after you read this, you might just never sleep again. In the original text, Sleeping Beauty pricks her finger on a bit of flax (I know right) and then — as her name implies — goes to sleep… beautifully. But it only gets worse. She’s found by a hunting kind, who rapes her while she’s unconscious and then takes off. Nine-months later, she gives birth to twins. One of the babies accidentally sucks the flax out of her finger, and she wakes up. Yeah. That’s not all though. If you thought the gratuitous weirdness ended here, you were wrong. Turns out that the baby-daddy King is married, and his wife is kind of evil. The Queen tried to get the King to accidentally eat the twins and set Sleeping Beauty on fire. But the joke’s on her, because she and is set on fire. Ha. Ha. Ha. 5.) Little Red Riding Hood Turns Into Hannibal Lecter — If you like being disgusted, this is the story for you. We all know that this story is a little bit gross, but it’s hard to imagine that it could get any worse. Well, it does, by a lot. I’ll sum it up for you as easily as I can: Little Red accidentally eats her grandma and drinks her blood, then climbs into bed naked with a wolf, and then gets eat. But no fear, because the Brawny Paper Towel Guy is here to cut the wolf in half and help Little Red escape from inside the wolf’s belly. Some earlier versions like to worsen the sexuality of this story by having Little Red perform a strip tease for the Wolf and then running away while he’s “distracted”. Yeah. Someone actually wrote this. 6.) Rapunzel — I don’t even know what to say about this one. I’ll let the plot speak for itself, because literally nothing I can say capture the pure WTF factor of this story. In the Egyptian version, the Prince (there’s no easy way to say this) suckled a lady ogre’s boobs. The lady ogre is so enamored with this odd gesture of affection that she takes him to her house, where he finds Louilyya (Rapunzel). He convinces her to run away with him, and as they make their daring escape, they’re pursued by another ogre, who dies by exploding after drinking a lake. In the other versions of the story, Rapunzel’s mom has a craving during pregnancy for lettuce (called Rapunzel), and her husband steals some of this exotic vegetable from their neighbor’s garden. Surprise, surprise, their neighbor’s a witch, and demands Rapunzel as payment for their lettuce thieving-crimes. The parents agree to this weird trade (call Social Services), and the witch raises the girl as her own until a young prince comes along, knocks Rapunzel up, runs away, and blinds himself. Rapunzel — like many teens — is kicked out of the house when the witch finds out she’s knocked up. Then, she gives birth to twins and find her true love the Prince again. In the end, they live happily ever after (sorta). 7.) In the original versions of the The Frog Prince, the spell isn’t broken by a kiss. The spell’s broken when the Princess throws the frog against the wall. Well, now I know what to do own a first date. 8.) Hansel and Gretel are hated by their evil-stepmother, who convinces their father to kick them out because their poor. The two children wander through the woods and find a lady’s house, who offers to take them in. Plot twist: The lady’s husband is Satan (pronounced Sa-tin), and if he finds out the kids are there, he’ll eat them. The kids stay anyway (no. Just no) and Satan eventually smells them because they’re Christians. He forces Gretel to feed Hansel until he becomes fat. This involves some finger-chopping off and other disgusting things. Then, Satan tired to force Hansel onto a sawhorse, but the kid lies and says he doesn’t know how. Satan’s kind of a bad guy, so he forces his wife to get on the horse, and Hansel and Gretel made their daring escape back to their horrible home. 9.) Beauty and the Beast with Three Heads (and Two Backs) — In the Russian version of the classic fairytale, the Prince is a three-headed snake demon. A merchant is caught trespassing on the snake demon’s land while picking a flower (an understandably big crime). How is the merchant punished for this crime? Not at all. His daughter is punished, and sent to live with the snake demon. The snake demon is just as depressing as you would expect a snake demon to be, and he finally tells the girl that she can visit her family ON ONE CONDITION: if she doesn’t come back, he’ll kill himself. She actually comes back (a little late) and finds that the snake demon has jumped to his doom. But like all Fairytales, death is only permanent if no one loves you. She kisses the snake prince, and he comes back to life as a handsome Prince. 10.) Rumple—you know what I can’t spell his name but you know what I’m talking about—stiltskin: Rumple (as I affectionately call him) rips himself in half when he grabs his foot to hard. This is actually a common problem (if you’re made of paper). He should’ve done more yoga. I guess a magically evil midget doesn’t really have that much power. Not like he can spin straw into gold or anything like that.

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